warmth and protection
hidden behind cold steel eyes
seer of justice
Author notes
Oh geeze i had to get out of bed when this inspiration came to me. This is my FIRST Senryu, people!(Go me!!). Yes, my very first structured poem of any kind. I am so happy!! I have no idea if the content of this is right for a Haiku, but I know I got the syllable structure right(atleast I think- not sure if it is supposed to be in unstressed stressed ect.) All I know is I am proud of my attempt. I feel like a sixteen year old who just got their license. FREEDOM!!!Structure ironically brings freedom! Anyway, please don't be gentle. Tell me what you think. Read my quote. I respect honest people more than any other kind!!
Written June 8th, 2004
In a list
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Comments
1 - 77 of 77
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i dontb know this form but you rocked thispoem
i love it
your few words were all that were needed
great
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no it has a 5-7-5 structure if it's traditional. In the last line seer is meant to be pronounced as se'er, not seer- this is not a poem about a seer, lol. But se'er is the absolute perfect word for what I was trying to say. se'er is not a word you use or see very often. Anyway, it created a HUGE HUGE debate in my comment section- so you should go back to it sometime, and spend a half hour reading it.
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i didnt think a haiku had a 5-7-4 syallable structure...maybe you can clarify?
i think its ok...(you wanted honest)...but i dont really like structure very much...most of the time -
excellent senryu
a great write. i am still learning about senyru and tanka.
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Excellent Traditional Senryu
I think you did a perfect Senryu! So far I have all gold worthy entries with a bit of a problem.... Only one gold trophy. I will have to do a random drawing thus and so and this entry of yours is gold worthy as well. Thanks for entering...
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Im not sure what this is but it sure seems creepy. Good job even though I am not one on Haiku's I liked this one. way to go
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Great structured poem. I don't know a whole lot about senryu to make a big, constructive review but I will say what I can. I think it's great. Screw counting syllables. Very nice, very profound piece in just three lines. Well done. Keep it up!
~CT -
Perhaps I do not know enough about hakius to actually give insight or the right apperciation towards it. However, my thoughts about this piece is.. kind of left on a hook.. the beat and rhythm sounds good, but it lacks something for me.. It's real good for the most part, but for me... a bit too short.. To me it is profound, considering in such a little piece you can really make it anything you want, but still hanging.. kinda like "and....." get me? But for the most part good job, for this being you first, you can only get better, and that's an honest statement... And if I'm wrong about meaning and what not, please school me I would really apperciate that... And I hope this makes sense lol
Good Luck!!
nat~ -
i think this a great ru Duana and who cares about counting syllables i went through that with my incubus poem it is funny how counting syllable is thought to be rigid in a form that originates from a non syllabic language
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This was a great structured poem. It's so hard to write poems with structure and make them sound good and not stressed also to give off idea with form poetry, personally form poetry is the field I have the most trouble in which is why i respect everyone who can write it a great deal.
You did a good job with this piece, espescially for your first form piece. I remember the first one I tried was pretty much a dead end failure.
I loved this espescially the line
hidden behind cold steel eyes.
You summed up a lot in a little -
Holy Cow! I think you need the "seer of justice" There were a lot of comments about purist interpetation, Modern interpetation, Ok are you ready for my Veiw? I think writing is how it makes you feel and a personal interpetation. enough said(stepping off the soapbox) I got from this a feeling of security and protection from Evil. I see lady justice with a Flaming sword and her scales. Thanks Duana for an interesting evening reading all the comments! Grins..........Red
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I got a nice picture of security you feel near a loved one.
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whats a senryu?
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I must say for your first~
Bravo
Powerful message and had to applaud this piece~
Look forward to more~
Keep them a coming
and much love~Desire
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huh, this is pretty cool. i'm no good at short poems like this so i admire what it takes to be able to write one. and a first attempt too, nice.
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Yeah, i guess i should take that out, hehe. It was before I learned about haikus. Thanks so much. Your feedback was awsome!
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Oh, I know- but you said: "I have no idea if the content of this is right for a Haiku" and if you were writting a traditional haiku, then no, it isn't. But if you're going for modern- then power to you.
-Chelsea -
Thanks for the brutally honest feedback. And not talking about this one, but remember, modern haikus are NOT about nature, but can be any subject! Just so you know in case you didn't!
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well, the content isn't really appropriate for a haiku, but I'm sure someone above has told you that already, so I wont go into it.
The poem is great, short and simple, yes... but somehow... powerfull.
I wont tell your it's a piece of poetic genious, though- because it is so short... and haikus are rarely "good" in my mind...
but this is "good"
I do suggest putting a real title on it, and explaining that it is your first senryu in the description box.
OOOOh! and come up with a -really- awesome title... sometimes, with such a short poem, the title really is what brings it all together.
-Chelsae -
Fabulous!
This is a great Senryu, and a good statement on where "warmth and protection" can aome from. They say it's OK to be less than 17 syllables, but not more. But anyway, your 3rd line is 5 syllables, "seer" is pronouned in 2 syllables, like "see er", you are right, and it's cute that this answer is confimed at the bottom of the page Nam left you.
My only suggestion would be to use the "Title" space for a real title (I don't want to influence you with any ideas), put the "first senryu" thing in parentheses if you want , or just put (Senryu) after the title. Usually Haiku/Senryu don't have titles, but there is a space here for one, so ya might as well use it with something that will add to, summarize, define, describe, name, or explain what follows in your poem. This is excellent, especially for your first one. 
You might like "Haiku You Too (Senryu)" and the links: allpoetry.com/Poem/276100
Please keep writing and always go back to it, you'll just get better and better! Thanx so much for your sweet comments.
USpace
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Thanks I like that last line...that's a great way to put it!
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Beautiful senryu.
Purists in poetry will always find some room for improvement in any work - but I myself rarely count syllables. Mostly I write what is in my heart, exactly like the words present themselves to be written. Sometimes it corresponds with structure, sometimes not. Either way, the message (content) is of major importance. To marry content and structure, is something that may happen spontaneously in the end. Almost like talking whilst walking, or wishing whilst kissing
Keep well, Poetess.
Myra -
I've been told, 5/7/5 has no importance in english haikus.. but it shouldn't exceed 17 syllables, it still meets the criteria... recently I've written a Senryu, but I never knew that it's got to be stressed and unstressed syllables... there is more to haiku and senryu than we think... they are not easy to write... and this one is very nicely done... thanx for sharing... mina
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no matter what they say it was good , YOU go girl ! , its not what you write or who likes it is just how the muse made it be for you in your soul, and thats good enough , great work , you got my applause aswell ,MARY
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Actually, this is 5-7-5 because seer is two syllables when pronounced correctly, but they don't necessarily have to be that form. I have written haikus out of syllable count before. It doesn't really matter. Anyway, this is really great for a first try. Thanks for sharing. keep it up. I hope to read more from you soon.
~Miranda
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Duana, Nam's reference to the Dictionary link, actually contradicts his assertion!
Amazing how few know how to read dictionary pronunciation and syllable symbols. You and I were quite right, of course, 'seer' IS two different words, with different syllable counts...check the link!
~ Gennelle
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Yes, but, the syllable is still the same. If you click on the link I provide and scroll down a few of the definitions it'll show it just saying:
seer
and not see·r.
It's 1 syllable either way.
Edited on Jun 21, 4:15 p.m. because ''. -
It's also pronounced see-r is it not? That is the meaning what I wanted to get across.
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your syllable count is 5-7-4 I believe it's supposed to be 5-7-5. The last line being 4 is 'seer' as 1 syllable 'of' as 1 syllable and 'justice' as 2 syllables.
The seer reference you can see here dictionary.reference.com/search?q=seer
Maybe put 'a seer of justice' I don't know. But, like the word 'world' it's only 1 syllable.
Other than that, a lovely piece that you have written here.
Tho, Billbard is correct, it doesn't have to adhere to the syllable count of 5-7-5 from your comment on my author's page I felt that's what you were tending to make.
I feel, that one should start out writing it to the ideal form of syllable and lines and then break the rules afterwards.
Just an opinion.
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I suppose if the eyes showed the warmth then they wouldnt be able to protect as easily. Must have some form of defence. well written.
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Wow! Beautiful, short, and deep. I like. Thanks for your comments on my poems too!
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This is a beautiful senryu.. I am not as familiar with the Asain poetry forms as I am with the French and English. I'll send you a link that might be helpful to you in your search for forms to try out.
Well done. I love the imagery.
Absinthe
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Congrats to you! nice poem
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Duana.You should be proud of this first Senryu ever.Well done.As some of the other commenters have said it is not necessary to adhere to the 5,7,5 seventeen syllable concept of the traditional Haiku/Senryu.Keep the ink flowing.
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great job man! yea i would be terrible at writing a senryu. Keep up the great work!
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Trully amazing. If I had half of your talent I could probally win a trophy. hehheh!!!!Saddie23
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you should be excited. writing your first structured poem is a big deal! i do not claim to be an expert on poetry (especially of senryu) but i do know what appeals to me, and this one did.
will be looking for more of these from you,
~liz -
An interesting and good way of looking at it.
The senryu is a strange form, (especially for us westerners) once deemed to be anything which isn't a haiku. As said already, it should be a solid image and the syllible count isn't needed, as long as it has the 5-7-5 or less. One of the best ways to mesure this kind of form is in breaths, a haiku/senryu you should be able to resite in a singe breath.
For a first senryu, this is good, it gives plenty to consider. Keep up the good work.
Andrew -
Bravo!
Great job! -
Good job
I'm a big fan of structured poetry like this, so I try to watch out for stuff written in this kind of style. I think I like it because it's so hard to do properly without exposing the science.
I think you managed nicely here, especially if this is your first attempt. Nice work! I especially like the "cold steel eyes" bit. That was very impressive. -
Steel eyes? Senryu ought to be extremely concrete in images so as to create an abstract effect. A really great idea though..
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The steady hand, the chilling eyes, but the protection and warmth of good all protrayed, beautiful essence and dipiction, i enjoyed!
-rik -
I had tried to leave a comment yesterday , but it did not go through
I believe this to be a good job and if it is a form that you enjoy , the more you practice it , the easier it will get . The syllable rules do NOT need to apply , I could take up an entire page explaining why...but I am sure you will learn up on it yourself
Reenie
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This is very good. These can become addictive to write, I love being able to put such a strong message in such a few lines.
~whisper
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super-duper
Very Powerful Read,wonderfully done for your first time in structured writting...Chant -
Duana, this piece was different from your other styles. It was very short, yet mistique. You are on a roll. Keep up the great woek.
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Yes,there are many variations to the general interpretation. The one I essence for me when I wrote this is an astute person who sees very clearly. His eyes of steel are a neccesary boundary or because he his sense of justice is based on correct observations. He sees both with his head and heart. And I love the above comment-dealing with different groups of people. Many ways of looking at it. The genius of poetry, huh?!
Edited on Jun 08, 7:45 p.m. because ''. -
Great
i liked this senryu-- n from my counts the syllables are right on. i interpreted this as a judge-- whose eyes may appear like steel to the accused but behind them is the warmth and protection for the people he represents.... great piece!!! ~penumbrapoet -
Jobob is correct on the "seer" pronounciation and definitons there This was a wonderful little powerhouse of a piece, the imagery outstanding. A great first in my opinion. Bravo!!!
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Let me state this very clearly. The original version DID NOT have KEEN in it. I just got confused by a comenter(read the comments- you'll see). Thank you so much!!!! I am changing it back- because that is how I liked it in the first place. I did not want to convey the sense of a prophet in any religious sense, but rather a person that sees clearly!! Although poetry is as much about the reader as the writer- so it should be left open to interpretation. The idea of a person who sees clearly is the basis of a phrophet, and any number of people in positions of 'counsel' or wisdom, or just the ordinary persom. Many different images will be invoked in the reader! Thank you!!!
Edited on Jun 08, 7:42 p.m. because 'Just to add to it'. -
Thank you. I am changing it back!! Thanks so much for your feedback. It means a great deal to me!!!
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I enjoyed your Senryu. I believe it is that rather than haiku, based solely on subject matter, as has already been said. If you wished to adhere strictly to the 5/7/5 structure you could leave out "keen", but I don't really think it matters in this instance. It's very effective either way. Good first effort in this form.
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No, your husband was right: in the sense you mean it here, it's pronounced see-er, similar to a person who reads the future. There's also a verb - to seer - which is one syllable, that means to burn or scorch. That works well here too, and really brings in a second meaning to the poem.
This is an excellent senryu: concise and with a lovely double meaning (I'm getting both a person and a prison cell). The last line has six syllables, but I don't think that's as important as some make out: the important thing is that it's a very short non-rhyming poem. The problem with counting syllables is that it can be heavily dependent on the accent one reads it with!
Really well done with this, it's a very effective senryu.
Edited on Jun 08, 2:59 p.m. because ''. -
Great write - esp. 4 your 1st haiku!
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hmm.
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That was great I like what you are saying. I too tend to try and stay away from form poetry but sometimes come back. Yes freedom isnt it a blessing. Also i think haiku is 5/7/5 syllabules and i think you only have 4 in the last line but i might be wrong. Great though.
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This is a great haiku for your first time!its got so much stregnth in the words!I'm bookmarking this one!it gives me inspirration!keep on writing!
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Great
I really like this, you really get the point across -
excellent
You appear to have a genius for this type of form. This piece excelled. If you continue like this you will be outstripping all competition. The form and content, flow, sentiment and thought provokikng qualities in this piece are exquisite. -
excellent
This has obviously been an un-tapped talent for you then Duana, for you excel at it. This is one of the best I have ever read, and there are a few people on here who have a genius for it. I find that culling the impulse to ramble, into a form like this that says so much in so few words, can hone a good skill into a great one, as it seems to have done in your case.
Edited on Jun 08, 1:54 p.m. because ''. -
Definitely be proud drumroll Haiku and Senryu can be abit confusing...i have read so many different explanations on them ( even took a short course ) Syllable count does not really have to be5/7/5 and it is said that Haiku is about nature and Senryu about self.......so keep writing....I liked this
Macandrew ( John ) led me to your page ,
Reenie
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this is lovely
- i have joined a tanka class so i can learn more about structure - i am a free writer and NEED structure in my life!
elaine -
good one.... well done hon and yep be proud because no matter what anyone else says you did it hon!
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very beatiful
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its a very nice haiku and I though you did very well. I tried it a few days ago but did'nt conform to correct 5/7/5 form.
Oh well theres always a next time!, I intend to try again soon. -
That was great but I kinda got lost on the last line. Can you explain it to me? Otherwise I thought it was good.
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Haiku, a world of thought wrapped into so few of words, yet void of emotions. I seem to be to emotional to wrtie them, doesn't stop me from trying. This seems to be a good one. Keep up the good work. Hope to see more from you very soon.nice write, well done.
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Very good for a first one! You don't have to worry about counting syllables, as long you do not exceed the maximun of 17 syllables or 5 on the 1st and 3rd line and 7 on the second. A senryu suppose to have some humour in it. Traditional haiku is about an image of nature and the contemporary ones give you more freedom of subject's choice....A good link for you to read good things about haiku is allpoetry.com/poet/haikumonk he is really THE haiku monk of this site
Wishing you lots of haiky fun,
Mari
Edited on Jun 08, 4:11 because ''. -
Yes you are right this definetly contains irony. The article I read focused on irony in terms of it's use for humor. So that is why...well you can probably figure out what i am trying to say. Thanks for the theinfo. This has been a grand learning experience! And I will most definitely check out that column.
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Well, it is true that Senryu are usually "satirical or ironic", but that is not set in stone. Just like the syllable count is not set in stone either (less is more). There has been much debate about what makes a senryu different. What was concluded, basically, was that anything that couldn't be classified as a 'haiku'...was a senryu. I think yours has subtle irony anyway, so what's the problem? (I've been told Americans don't 'get' irony, is that true? )
Oh, and when you want to answer a comment on your poem, don't forget to click the 'reply' link on the person's comment..then they get the system message.
Check out Haikumonk's column on haiku too.
~ G
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Hi again Maatkara. I feel a little defeated. I just read that a senryu is satirical or ironic, which this of course is not. Oh well I tried. It just shows I better know what I am doing first before I make a fool of myself. But just in case, is information right?
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Crazy Maatkara...I knew second line was 7 syllables. On paper i had actually changed behind to 'by those cold steel eyes'. I had put in those because of where the inspiration came from. But anyway, which do you like better?
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I don't know about any set structure. But I do know how a poem makes me feel. And in so very few words you unleashed such a powerful message. Congratulations on your very first haiku and hope many more are to come.Excellent.
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Thank you so much Maatkara for being such an inspiration, and settoing me straight. Shows how much I actually studied this form before I attempted(holds head down in embarrassment). I will definitely make the changes. And the spelling- now that is simply embarrassing. I was too excited to get this out, and it's very late here. Yeah, right, there's a spelling thingy on here, but if I use it it freezes my computer and I lose my work...so I try to be careful usually! Thanks again. You are a wonderful inspiration.
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Impressive!
Hi Duana For a first attempt, you did exceptionally well! Very impressive. I would suggest cutting out the word "those" in the second line (it is superfluous, and increases the syllables). You need to fix the typo in 'steel'. Other than that, it is truly superb, give yourself a pat on the back!
Actually, I suppose to be really technical, you have written your first Senryu. That's a haiku that has no reference to nature, or a 'season word'. Fabulous first effort, it has impact and subtle suggestiveness.
~ Ma'atkara
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As for me, it’s a brilliant Haiku… but if you want to know more about haikus then I suggest you ask Don-haikumonk for his appraisal… thanx for sharing
mina
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I'm sorry, I don't know or understand any forms. But I can't leave without saying something (how rude, huh) . I think you said a lot in very little here, but I'm so tired that I can't figure it out. Oh dear. Have a great evening (morning?)!
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