This gateless gate, lonely fallen trees only
an ocean in which I swim;
Those four churning hooves, tinnitus of mind
surely belong to the bull that I seek
Burnt sutras and charred grey buddhas;
elucidating readings of each and every
of those lie-licking flames fade, the crackling
echo leaves me yearning for something
less
With a blinded eye I regard
The great effort of the jazzy blue sky above
Ever present behind clouds
and pierced now
By Joshu's single finger held high
and a stray thunderclap
(unrelated haiku; Emambulance)
All over the world
Crushed dry petal-solars
Fading with the leaves
Author notes
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Written June 5th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I enjoyed this haiku a lot. ^.^ I can't wait to read more of your other writings.
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Although I think this poem is quite well written I will offer what critique I can along with my humble opinion.
The first stanza;
I was caught, while reading this aloud with the similar sounds in ‘lonely’ and ‘only’.
The second stanza;
The repeated use of ‘of’ also made me stumble. I had to re-read this section many times before I could understand.
I did like this stanza the best. I liked ‘lie-licking flames’ and ‘echo leaves me yearning for something/less’. I think the break in the last two lines works tremendously well.
The third stanza;
I believe that ‘by’ should not be capitalized.
The ending was great, filled with magnificent imagery.
I am offering this critique because I saw your post in the ‘people who want REAL critiques’ forum.
I hope that my opinions and insights have offered a little aid.
This was a lovely read and I look forward to reading more.
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wow, that was as really good poem. i enjoyed reading it very much. i think the description is wonderful and the message in this piece is very powerful. i think this poem is very different from most topics and other poems. its very unique and i enjoy that in poems. my favorite lines were "Burnt sutras and charred grey buddhas;
elucidating readings of each and every
of those lie-licking flames fade but the crackling
echo leaves me yearning for something
less"
i think they really they tell about wanting little and getting even less. that is the lesson of life, and one of the hardest lessons to learn. -
beautiful just beautiful,nice imagery and descripitive...very good,never seen anything as well written as this well iahve but this is just good!
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i appreciate off the beaten track writing
makes life so much more interesting than the normal yadayada
going to have to read some more
rephrasing...going to want to read some more
~liz -
So far from what I have read, you seem to be one that loves to come up with off the wall, creative touch types of work. Not the stereotypical poetry that I have read so often in the past. I must admit, at first I really didn’t know how to take it, but I am truly beginning to appreciate your differences. I can’t say that I understand this one, but one of these days I just might even amaze myself and become enlightened to your work.
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where are you specail person?!
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I really liked the haiku. The poem was not something I would go out of my way to read, but I enjoyed the imagery and language. It did leave me taking a moment to consider the implications of the images you used and that is meritorious, as they seemed to connect to each other.
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I am the zen master, fight club
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Colorful
very imaginary.greatly done.vivid and colorful.keep this up.this is excellent.hope to hear more from you soon.keep up the good work.great write.
-snortpixiemeth
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Wonderful imagery, excellent word choice, and interesting structure. A really nice poem, you should be very proud of this. Excellent job.
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This was full of really great imagery! Fun to read! A lot of emotions come across in this one which showsthat it is very well-written. Thanks for sharing!
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I love your haiku! I tried writing one(and a senryu) after falling in love with the form. I thought it was just about making a point in the fewest words possible. Of course I discover after my writes that there is much more to it than that. So I guess you can't really call what I did in both instances a Haiku and Senryu- but I am still proud of what I wrote:-)) Anyway, sorry for getting off your poem there. I just love Haikus when I come across them!
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Thought provoking
The first stanza hearkens to the zen teaching stories which do not actually teach, hence the frustration. The second stanza makes everything clear, at least for you.
Provocative to read; nothing is as it seems at first.
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beautiful and unique and great, I enjoyed this read so very much. thanks for featuring it so we can all have a chance to read it.
best wishes,
O -
..nice! dice! rice! mice!
you are a weird writer too, geez.... -
Quite good.
The imagery is great as Pink said.
I do like the word Jazzy
I don't see a problem with punctuation though?
It seems set in form to me
I'm getting tired/sleepy so maybe Im missing something?
But I think its a terrific write
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Great write you have here..excellent imagery..I like the "gatelass gate, lonely fallen trees" part..very nicely done..thank you for sharing this and also for the lovely comment you left on my written thoughts..it is much appreciated...
~~Kristy -
Zen could do wiht a little more punctuation I htink, but otherwise great.
Haiku is excellent. -
i like it, it has great imagry. keep oh writing. I have liked all the ones i read so far so keep it up..
-Lizard
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