I’ll brush my teeth all sideways.
I’ll wipe from back to front.
Refuse to flush the toilet.
Grab everything I want.
I’m gonna drink REAL coffee.
Not gonna take the pill.
I’ll dress in Tuesday’s panties
For my Monday's nooner thrill
I’ll show up late for breakfast.
Won’t pray before I start.
I’ll eat it with my fingers.
Then I’ll cut one noisy fart.
I’ll yell that I’m the feller
With BOTH elbows on the table.
I’m talking with my mouth full
And not reading warning labels.
I’m gonna stroll out belching
Coz I ate my dessert first
I’ll hog the biggest piece of pie -
And leave you liverwurst
Chorus:
I been a good girl way too long
It’s time this gal got bad.
Forget sweet please and thank yous
For I’ll hardly give a damn.
I’ll leave one door wide open
But that final door I’ll slam.
My radio is blasting
But, I’m turning off the news.
Hell, I’m even throwin' bleach in
While I wash my whites with blues
I’m gonna write a too long poem,
Spell wrong and not enjamb,
Add clichés to my horrid rhymes,
Incur the wrath of Nam.
I’m gonna buy the cheap gas
While I smoke dope at the pump.
Throwin' my recyclables
Directly in the dump.
Toss litter out the windows
Tailgating as I go.
Swerve into the other lane
Then drive too freakin’slow
I’ll cuss all stupid drivers.
I’ll even have the nerve
To give it just a bit of gas
As I take that final curve.
Chorus:
I been a good girl all my life -
It’s time that I got mad.
I’ll pass that blinkin’ school bus
On the right side, on the grass,
As I hurry to the school board
Who can finally kiss MY ass.
I’m gonna get to work real late
Cuss the kids who are plain stupid.
Tell all the brilliant kids they’re shit
Shout one final “F. U. too, kid!”
To hell with being ladylike!
I’m gonna grab some ass.
I’ll be watching raunchy porno
while I teach my ethics class.
My dog will shit on all your lawns
as I proudly skip away
to refuse to pay my taxes
and to screw your fiance’.
So, I’m putting off tomorrow
when I’ll use that final verb
to hang one final goddam sign -
Now closed – Please, don’t disturb.
Chorus:
But for this rottin' good girl,
Please, don’t feel blue or sad
Coz I’ve broken every golden rule
and, wheeeee, what fun I’ve had!
Author notes
Live with a whimper, die with a bang.
or maybe -
Live like a wimper, die with a bang.
Written June 4th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Came in Screaming, Gunna Leave the Same Way by chasedbythecows.
343 points, ended June 11, 2004, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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This is too too funny. I haven't had such a belly laugh like this in a long long time. Your wit and wisdom never cease to amaze me. Best of luck in the contest. Me thinks you have a winner.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
ps. I regret I have but one applause to give to M'Lady. This deserves a standing ovation. -
good poem
WHAT A GREAT POEM The first I have read of yours, as i am rather new here, very funny and rule were ment to be broken I was told! lol enjoyed the read. -
far to brilliant to be read without making a comment,I had a smile on my face all the while i was reading. strange it looked a long poem but seem to short once i had reached the end.I was left wanting more,Still thats what the say always leave them wanting .Wonderful
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LOL that was great. Great idea! And you're right, you get tired of being the good little girl and doing everything right, sometimes ya just gotta break out and do everything the other way, great write!
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What a way to go!!! This is hilarious. Will be checking you out some more. My kinda write.
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That was absolutely brilliant! It's definitely a keeper! I'm off to check out some more of your work.
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This was AWESOME. Funniest poem I've read in forever. This is how every one feels at some point in their life. I'm about to this point!!!!!!!
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Be careful, Faith. Soon you won't be able to take two steps without seeing another do or don't that just screams to be broken. I'm afraid I am now obsessed with seeing how many I can find ... I call it estate planning. Just don't want to be caught short at the end of this life.
Edited on Jun 05, 4:29 p.m. because ''. -
Hehe. You had me ROFL! It screams rebellion, I've felt this way a lot. You are a bad influence. All that stuff sounds like fun...
~Faith -
jess,
Thanks so much for your laughter. It makes it worth the tweaking and twisting. If you like this one, you might enjoy my other morbid humor piece - Funeral Depot
http://allpoetry.com/Poem/651502
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LMAO!!!!! That's the funniest freakin poem i've ever read! hahahahah....
...i had the BEST time reading this. PLZ, PLZ, PLZ write more like these!!hehe
BYZ
~jess~ -
Careful there, whims. You'll have me digging to pile of discards to make this an ever looooooooooonger piece.
Oh what the hell! Just remember you asked for it -
I’ll leap in poison ivy.
Ain’t looking, left OR right
Now I want those bad bed bugs
To give me - final bites.
Now you can see why I threw it out. Ha ha
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As I read through these I grinned.. then wondered if you had forgotten any rules.. still thinking on that lol.. but! Well done and a very fun read!
~~whims -
Naughty, naughty, girl. This was a lot of fun to read. And now people are lookind at you as a role model...you are dangerous. Love the poem.
-David -
Uh-oh! There's more of that encouragement again. Thought I warned you about that, girl.
but I am touched... deeply.
(grins and turkey struts away)
Jane -
i luuuuuurrrrrrvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee this and am gonna use you as my role model for today - plus add you to my faves so i dont miss any more of your work!! way to go girl!!
have a super day and live by these rules!
elaine
xxx -
2 Thumbs, a toe, and an ear hair up!
My songs are always crappy so I commend you for doing a good job. Keep on keepin' on! Have a groovy one! Power and blessings to you. Blessed be! 
~BettY~
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lol! that made me laugh...hahahahaha keep writing!!
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Lol, now THAT'S a pretty funny poem. Great write!!
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i read some funny stuff but this is the funniest.. i laughed soo hard reading this.. i loved every part of it..
hahahhahahahhahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
-naive -
This made me laugh and I imagined Weird Al singing this all the time. I like that. Anyway this explained what I'm going to do when I get old. If I get there first. Thanks for the laugh.
By and By
Evy -
If you could have thrown something in about running over people on cell phones this would be me ha ha ha ha ha I lovedddd it !!! OMG too funny , stomach hurts from laughing oh oh good one shew wiping drool off lips here ... good girl gone bad it will be stuck in my head for a month but hey it was way worth it , keep it up loca , and keep em coming back for more , be safe , Catressa
My dog will shit on all your lawns
As I proudly skip away
To refuse to pay my taxes
As I screw your fiance’.
rotf gid em killer (doing bubba voice ) -
exquisite
Hell, I’ll even throwing bleach in
While I wash my whites with blues....... suggestions for this line might be throw thick bleach in or thin or any other one syllable word as "throwing " isn't grammatically correct here.
Otherwise this has to be the most humourous, witty, enjoyable, downright entertaining poem I have read in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed the romp through the excellent wording of your would-be bad habits, as I delighted in the rythm, rhyme and form of a truly great piece of art. The visuals were stunning to say the least........
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well..where is Nam's comment? I laughed my ass off and I want to go the same day you do ,cause this good girl wants to go bad one more time..I had more fun from this piece than a cowboy at a rattlesnake roundup..my favorite stanz.."My radio is blasting.But, I’m turning off the news.Hell, I’ll even bethrowing bleach in While I wash my whites with blue" terrific///freda
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Pretty pretty
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he hehahah that was pure entertainment. I really loved this piece, it showed your humor thoroughly, and it didn't sound forced at all. Must say that you are an extrme poet, awesome job, keep up the great work.
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Thanks, guys. I think I might be able to get into this new type of life now that I've had some time to think about it. hee hee
Jane -
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
slow, best, long way to die...and seems really fun
~colleen~ -
Like a falling star! Brilliant!
Dear Jane,
Please let me know the date for your last day so I can mark my calendar. Wouldn't it be good if it was the same day that I go 'coz we could party together and go out with a double bang!!
I hope it's a long way of for both of us 'coz I've got a lot of things still to get done before I shuffle off and who's gonna feed Beaugus when you've gone? Same with my Boobus.
Meanwhile, Good Luck in the competition. Applause!!!
Love and hugs, XXX Hugh.
Edited on Jun 04, 3:12 p.m. because 'Lost the carrot off my spoon, laughing!'. -
Great Satirical Verse
Great set of bluesy lyrics. One of my favourite singers is Iris Dement. Your poem reminds me of her song "Trouble" from the album "The WaY I Should" Here's the last verse/chorus.
Sooner or later, darling, everybody's gotta go
Let's you and me leave early, get a seat on the first row
Trouble, trouble again
Trouble's where we're going
Trouble's the only place we've ever been -
Smacks of sweet desperation... But the humour is there, blasting out as ever - peaking with:
"To hell with being ladylike
I’m gonna grab some ass.
I’ll be watching raunchy porno
While I teach my ethics class.
My dog will shit on all your lawns
As I proudly skip away
To refuse to pay my taxes
As I screw your fiance’."
Excellent write - good luck in the comp!
Best,
p
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