No deposit, No returns -
On all their caskets, vaults and urns.
Delivered free within one day!
(Did they think we’d run away?)
These kindly folks are so well read.
They list the lists of all the dead
In all the papers in all the land
To keep the ink from off my hand.
(Or, perhaps they do not wish
Consumers to be wrapped like fish.)
They even offer packaged dealings.
(Kill your friends - for discount keelings)
And they don’t use no pesticides
(No good for hopeful suicides.)
They list the size of every box,
Even some that comes with locks.
(For once they find your perfect fit
There'll be no chance for you to split.)
So when you get your big toe tag
Forget about that hefty bag,
Cus walls of steel and saints preserve us.
(Call 1-800 for your service.)
To spend alot ain’t dig-nified
It's cheaper to be ignified.
I hear they give a grand rebate
If you select their ‘Big Scream 8’.
Please don’t stiff your dear departed.
(No need to pay – I'll Master Card it.)
To keep us all from overpaying
Eternally – they have a saying:
“Others may take you for granite..."
"No stone’s unterned when FD plans it".
I'll plan ahead so friends won’t wonder
Who I want to put me under,
So when it is my time to go,
Call these guys at F. Depot.
I've had their custom casket crafter
Build the crate for my hereafter.
And what I asked, he deftly did
Cus laughter plays to closing lid -
‘Rehearsing - wooden, music box'
Mine comes without those pesky locks -
Cus though I go, I’ll come again
To haunt you all – Tee hee - Amen.
Author notes
http://www.funeraldepot.com
What better thing to do on Memorial Day than go shopping at F'l's cool web pages - They ROCK! (to the tune of .........)
As unbelievable as this may sound, it's all true. (at least the parts about them are.)
Written May 30th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- The energy heals by cocolocoblondie.
319 points, ended June 2, 2004, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
-
Absolutely Grand!
Are you kidding me? We can only applaud a poem once!!! I hope I have not used them all up. This is awesome. How happy I am to have not read one bad poem today! This is complete brilliance. It has style, rythm, music, rhyme, meter, humor, even a very effective use of a 1 800 number. Who knew it was possible? This is a great piece. I loved it very, very much. -
Hehehehee...
Now that's my sense of humour!
A subject I don't dwell on but let's say am prepared for, and being the control freak that I am, have prepped concerned parties about details of my disposal should the enevitable happen unexpectedly, LOL! Being a goy in the holy land has it's problems you see, there are only two or three cemetaries in the whole of Israel prepared to house me in the hereafter, (thus ensuring I don't contaminate the soil). Hideous places I wouldn't bury my dog. Besides I'd want to go out "well done" (and save space for future apartment blocks), which is forbidden by the halacha I believe. So I'm thinking out of season bonfire night... hot dogs, marshmallows the works!
Good read this,
Kyla X -
Hey this is cool, the last of the Beatles to die not so long back paid only £200 that’s currently $400 US for his funeral. And why not, Funerals are a rip off on the emotions of the grieving. I want to be buried in the garden and my head sticking out the ground instead of a headstone that way people can see who I was (winks). You got me laughing here heartily with this one, it’s so so true.
-
hahaha....u were right. i did enjoy this. lol. nice way to make a serious matter a luaghing one.
Great Job!
Hope to see some more humor from you in the future.
~Jess~ -
unique
you are a bonafida,absodamlutely,with out a doubt genuis..aqnd thats a fact///freda -
*******
so maybe I can give you a trophy then. Don't pul it frmo the contest; I see where you are coming from. -
Dear cocolocoblondie,
I'm disheartened to hear my poem doesn't fit your contest. A "very, very open" contest which asks us to "look into our box of woes" to find some healing energies seemed just the place the perfect place for my poem. What bigger woe than death? What more important box than a casket? What better healer than laughter? And what of 'taking your secrets to your grave?'
But I thank you for sparking my creativity. -
THIS ROCKS!!
Lmao this is great, totally awesome....Very unique -
*********
Wow, this is hard. I really really really love this poem, but...it doesn'e really fit into the contest, so i can't give you a trophy. I will try to throw you some points, though. Sorry about that. -
Why ask others? Trust to your own Muse and leave "unterned"
unturned. Even kiwis can grasp this suttle tern of werd. -
And still you keep us rolling in the aisles...
Seems like whatever you turn your gaze upon doesn't stand a chance: you are truly unstoppable!
Doubly funny from this serious side of the Pond - where One wouldn't dream of promoting such "things"... Such Bad Taste...
LOL
Penetrating, nevertheless.
Best,
p
-
This was so funny but told in such seriousness. Keep up the good work for this is a great write. very creative. Good luck in your contest. God bless you
Rose
-
"unterned" - I like playing with words and sounds and double meanings. I had hoped this would bring to mind unturned, but also the idea of interred. I guess I sometimes get greedy and want readers to pause long enough to take away all my thoughts. So, should I change it to "unturned" (which is what the reader expects) or "interred"?
-
This is soooo funny especially the end. The rhyme scheme is so well chosen for the humor , coz rhyming couplets are funny.I loved it.
-
This is absolutely fantastic, and well worth the numerous applauses (please remind me to add another later). "No stone’s unterned , needs spell checking, but other than that, this is perfect. Great poem.
-
WOW .... This was such a clever and witty write .... The rhymes were perfectly planned .... And the rhyme scheme was flawless .... You really made me chuckle .... And you made me admire you poetic skills .... This was a very masterfully written piece of work .... I' really impressed
God Bless, The Poet Sunshine -
this was great! I loved it and the rhyming was great. great write!
--cole xoxo -
This was awesome very interesting and unque... Good luck in the contest. I really enjoyed reading it. From imagine27
-
Incredible...
~Liadan
-
That was hysterically sensational!! Never seen a poem about that before, very original. Was this inspired by the web site? Impressive. You have an amazing skill for putting together an excellent poem about anything. I am so jealous! lol
-
cool, really cool!
David -
really liked this excellent job...but i was confused a bit...well not cuz the poem jsut in general...nice job though!
KM SIGLIN -
OK SERIOUS.....WOWOWOWOWOW....i'm soo impressed i've been reading some amazing poems today..and this one jsut follow the trend of perfection on this perfect poet sunday. well anywas this was maybe the most descriptive piece i just could have this great mental image and i totally grasped it all with my mind...it was perfect it was beautiful this was just fabulous, you ahve a style unlike a lot of people on this site...always write what's in your mind and heart...this was amazing....clammy.
-
Sparkling Wit! Bravo! :f
Dear Jane: I'm so glad you introduced yourself. You have a grand and witty style. Your rhymes are so original -- my personal favorite was "Master-Card-It" and "departed."
The proof of wit though is in undertaking serious issues with satiric intent -- you do this brilliantly with the funeral industry -- the commercialized (and often exploitive) practices of which must strike the more civilized societies (cannibals for instance) as barbaric.
Peace,
Passionvine -
A dark poem indeed but humorous none the less. I really enjoy your brand of wit Jane. I always say no one can click them off the top of her head better than Jane...Good luck my friend. Nice job! Love, Irene
-
wow, this is amazing, well written, the rhyming was fuckin ace!!! The imigary was great and yeah, it just flowed really well. I'm sure you'll do great in the contest!!!
Amberle xoox -
brilliant, witty
Dear Jane,
What an adorably morbid utterance.
For once, I think this mentally moribund kiwi comprehends the entire message and for good measure, here's your free epitaph:
HERE LIES A POET THEY ONCE CALLED JANE
IN LIFE SHE SUFFERRED AMPLE PAIN
IF EVER ONCE WAS TO HER FRIENDS
IT'S TOO LATE NOW TO MAKE AMENDS
R I P.
(I spell-checked this because, once done,
you can't retrace or yet erase
letters chiselled into stone.)
A great write - grave humour and contained wit.
Good luck in the contest. Applause.
Love and hugs and, always, fond memories. XXX Hugh.
Edited on May 31, 11:45 because 'Forgot to close the lid!'. -
My views on all this, upset people. What a waste to put all that money in a hole. Cardboard box I tell ya, put me in a cardboard box. Better yet a plastic bag. And forget the flowers, if they can't bring them around when I can see them, then I don't want them after I'm dead. I'm sorry, was I babbling, very nice write.
-
Very creative!
Good luck in the contest, although you might not need it. Good poem! -
brilliant! I love this irreverent poke at funeral parlors and casket sales. it's always risky to satirize subjects that are so serious and somber, but I love the spirit in which you've done it. this is top notch humor. I wish you the best in the contest. this is certainly a worthy contender.
~travis
-
splendid
I realy liked this one, you captured the growing commercialization of everything that we have now days from the time of our birth to the day we die, we are bombarded with advertisements for everything. You also spoke on a deep subject with humor. Wonderfull work
Adding your comment:
1 - 31 of 31
12 old applause
