Bells and whistles have I none
Yet still I’m here proclaiming fun
And merriment for boys and girls
Packed tight in pills with rainbow swirls
Vials of poison simmered down
Sold in shops all over town
To lead the children all astray
And make the girls an easy lay
Till they sell themselves for thirty quid
Just to feed their baby bastard kid
Who’ll in turn grow up just like his dad
Drunk, and snatching all he never had
And we wonder why?
Author notes
This is actually a kinda poem, unlike the rest of my work. Please tell me how to improve it; the last stanza and the final line are far from finished. Any comments are greatly appreciated!
Written May 29th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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very good
Other than: And we wonder why?
This poem was really smooth. A pleasure to read. Trouble with the situation is that the children often are led astray by the pushers themselves. To go off the deep end on your own is one thing but to be pushed in is another.
A very good read.
John -
neato. i like!!!
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Till they sell themselves for thirty quid
just to feed their bastard kid
Who'll in turn grow up like dad
Drunk, and snatching all he never had? I don't know. Like it the other way too. Just have to change the rhythm in your mind. I'm a sucker for a good rhyme and this one does flow naturally so yea I like it. A little harsh, like that too.
Desiree
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Your rhyming was near perfect. Obviously no one person is perfect, so I can’t say it was.
I liked the thought provoking message at the end more than anything.
In the second line of the first stanza, you may consider omitting out “Yet” to help with the flow of the line, keeps them both in a 7-syllable count.
In the first line of the second stanza, I would recommend leaving out “And” to help the flow out a little more. Plus, I really don’t think you want to start a new stanza with “and.” You know what I mean?
In the third stanza, you may want to consider adding the word “little” in front of “bastard kid,” in the second line. I think it will help lengthen it to bring the integrity up to par.
But honestly, that last line has me kind of stumped like you wouldn’t believe. Would you possibly consider, “Drunk, whining about all he never had” as an alternative?
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Rhyme was spot on, though the rhythm kind of faltered a bit. Sorry, that's just my thought.
But couldn't we have more reflection from the writer here on these matters, a bit more supplementary involvement with the subject matter.
I would name this poem “All in Wonder” because the Bells and whistles and at the end of poem that states “And we wonder why?” lead me to this. -
*keels over from the good-ness of the poem* this is an amazing poem, a ray of light peircing the darkness shrouding the world of drugs, throwing back the veil and looking it flat in the face and saying "i know you. you are a lie. i know your true purpose and i will not be taken in by your lies."
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Right.
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I don't think i would change the last line, i like how it sounds the way it is. Its a never ending cycle. Once they get on they don't know how to get off. Great write you have here. Queen
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I like this poem, and I'm sure with just a little bit of editing it will no longer be a "kinda" poem. I have a suggestion for the last stanza...just a suggestion...maybe it'll give you some ideas.
They’ll sell themselves for thirty quid
Just to feed their bastard kid
Who will grow up just like his dad
Snatching drunk, at all he never had
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I like it, but I would add on to the last line. Not after it, before it. Keep me posted..
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To be honest I like every bit of it. Although I felt like you first stanza seemed a bit stronger than the rest, but not overly so.
I'm horrible at suggestions, think it's an insecurity thing. lol
Overall I think its okay as is, but you know, could always be improved upon...think the end just kind of drops off a bit. Left me feeling like there was more you wanted to say.
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why change a great bit of poetry ?... it flows wonderfully and is a joy to read, I never change any of my poem`s unless someone points out a spelling mistake ?... lol. every poem you write is a work of art and it should remain unchanged ?... that is my view !!!.. tell me what ya think ?.
thankz for sharing and happy scribbling.
Edited on May 29, 3:22 p.m. because ''. -
Heck - I wouldn't even change the title. This is a fun little rhyme. Okay, maybe the last couplet needs a little work...
Scott -
I like this, it gets across a magnificent message. I think that a title to be considered is "And We Wonder Why"... I think it makes one curious as to what they are wondering why about.
I think this is really good and a wake up call.
~All 28~ -
i really like it..i dont think you should change it...but i do agree the last LINE needs to have more...like more to it...maybe make it a full stanza...but i really like the last stanza i dont think you should change it...and are you looking for a title? cuz if you are it could be "bells and whistles", "all the wonders of the world" or "we wonder why" those are some of my ideas..you have to use them...actually i dont even know if you are looking for a title or not...really nice job though...i love it...although where in the world did you come up with an idea for writing about this or even like this? just wondering...well anyways really nice job..thanks for sharing on all poetry!!
~me
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