hospital corridors are grey dark from the dimly
lit neon lights at the nurse's station
I have been given a Demerol, help me sleep
it's been three nights since I last hit
my winnie-the-pooh pillow
snuggled into a fetus
just slipped away to
slumber land
where fairies run
through mildew sparkling grass and
fireflies light the green awning forests
after a week I am finally ready
sat away an afternoon in front of the window
watching big ships on the horizon
of the St. Laurent River
the speck of the spread-winged angel
standing over Mont Royal
protecting
second trip to the same ward 1102
except different bed
been moved to D level instead of A
PJ is not here this week to shave me
can't decide which I like better
AIDS bed or Dis-ease bed
a female nurse arrives with a smile on her face
asks me if I have shaved
disappointment sets in
the sun is crisply purple
pink floats upon the waves
of the river
street lights switch on
look like
speckled bird eggs below
the night is close
darkness will surround us
i float in my room
not think of tomorrow
just gaze at the blank white walls
try to count the cobwebs
in the corners
think of dream catchers
The AIDS Bed Part 1my mind drifts to last week
where I was in the AIDS bed
a stoic doctor approaches
my bedside
residences on either side of him
I look for the TV camera crew
from ER
You're very lucky Mr. Rowe
to have the top cardiologist
and top surgeon
to perform this operation on you,
usually we don't pick people off the street!
I sink in my bed
want to join hospital dust bunnies
be swept away to nothingness
or go to Dust Bunny Heaven
for unwanted dust
nothing escaped from my mouth
i couldn't speak the words
of being a poet, a play writer, an artist,
an honor student, a community leader,
my tongue tied like a tangled fishing line
the knot kneaded to the abyss of my stomach
The Dis-ease Bed Part 1i jolt from the memory
thank the angels
i am back again
Coumadin free
now that someone informed me
that I should stop taking it
so i wouldn't bleed out
under the procedure
bleed
bleed
bleed
my life revolves around
bleeding
blood
the Demerol sinks in
float to the next level
in a few seconds
darkness will envelope me
the night nurse in a burgundy uniform
slips into the room and flashes the light
against the white wall
sees my open eyes
slowly backs out
The AIDS Bed Part 2my cardiologist had visited
the AIDS bed last week
my eyes were fixated on the wall
watching her shadow dance before me
like my mother when I was a child
I could see her body sway
gently against whiteness
the stoic doctor
had just left me
with the news they were
postponing the procedure
until next month
Dale
I cringed with my eyes
that form crows feet
i had to scream but
nothing seemed to escape
down these grey corridors
No one but my Mom calls me Dale
I lay between the hospital sheets
stare at the egg shell wall
so what happened now?
accusation pitch
against the wall
hits my ears
silence
the two English ladies sharing my room are
silent
you could at least talk to me
I am talking to you
not with your face to the wall
I watch the shadow dance upon the wall
turn over and face her
she is soft, and i really
look at her: a mother,
a woman, a caregiver
my Coumadine is three times what it is to be
whose fault is that? I told you to stop, I phoned you!
i haven't talked to you since November with my friend.
okay so I told F--- to call you...
Don't blame your secretary
if only she would admit
that she erred
i would respect her more than
i respect her now
but i
never received it
never received my father's blessing
never received my holy communion
The Dis-ease Bed Part 2it's a week later, towards the end of May
the sky is now grey and sleet slides
on the pane of the windows
the horizon has the mask of a ghost
and my eyelids close
i drown in the blackness
taking me further
into the corridors of my mind
i reach into space and grasp
the cold air hoping to touch
something, anything, someone
she dances
open arms with swaying fingers gently
kissing the invisible air
her movements of a swan
gliding gracefully across a pond
i float down
swim towards her aura
her arms outstretched
to catch her son
i glide across to her
come into her eyes
her warmth comforted
my chilled body
stay with me awhile
dance dance dance
for we are free
i did not cry
because i was not in fear
her gown covered my body
warming my soul
healing my inner self
and my heart beat
and beat and beat
i awake
i was at peace
fasting since midnight
i'm loaded onto a hospital gurney
dressed in a gown
shaved as can be
nothing underneath
popped a relaxing pill
and another to detect the iodine
off I go to see what the matter
is with my ticker
at one o'clock
the relaxant wasn't working
i could feel every prick
so they pumped me up
with the good old morphine
which did the trick
this guy has really nice veins
i was hearing all week
while they probed, punctured, and pricked
all my life i heard that phrase
a still walked away with
brusies the size of round dollars
yeah, I'm envious of the druggie world with these
so the decision was to shoot
me up by the groin
well, will be laid up for a
different reason this time
three hours later
we know we won't need
to perform bypass after all
the hole will be fixed
something will be done
to get the left side
working again
i have to attend sessions
to learn and
they'll phone me about that
wheeled back to my room
three hours later
stoned as can be
forgot i phoned Gail
(but apparently i did)
six hours later
i lie awake
on Bed Dis-ease
get up now, because I was good
laid stiff as a board
not moved a leg
stared at the ceiling
counted the tiles
wishing they had pink clouds
and blue elephants to play with
glanced at my Winnie
on the nightstand
reached into my briefcase
pulled out the letter the
nurse had delivered
dated two days ago
from one of my doctor's
in my HIV clinic
last line read
Until Mr. Rowe has been back
on his treatment plan
for HIV for at least
three to six months from now,
we believe that Mr. Rowe
should not have
this surgery performed.
my heart beat
and beat and beat
and I read and beat
and beat and read
basically, he was saying what
I had been telling
them all the time, but no one
was listening.
miscommunication
misconception
major fuck-up
my cardiologist
came and sat on the
Dis-ease bed
she had the
same letter in her hand
a letter that was in respond
to a request dated November 18th, 2003
a letter that was outlining a plan of action
fell through the system
because one went on a sabbatical
and left no notes
and the other was new
and eager to please
and i kept getting lost
Gregg
i looked up with a surprise
she called my by my name
i saw my mother
her eyes were dancing
water flowing in a stream
and i knew i was safe
she was no longer my doctor
she now understood
her face was angelic soft
and her eyes enveloped me
i told her about the stoic doctor
and that even though we had
disagreements and her
bedside manner
i respected her with my heart
she will reprimand the doctor
who is twice her age
she responded she
loved my toughness
the fight to continue
that I am her oldest patient
and she enjoyed the challenge
What do you do in life?
I'm sitting at my sister's wedding
across from my Mom
gazing into her misty hazy eyes
dimmed by the burnt candlewax
of her life
What do you do in life, Mr Lucusta always asks and
I don,t know what to tell him?
I told her of univeristy
bachelor of arts, community leader,
poet, writer, playwriter
and a human
she made me promises
that I know she will keep
we saw each other's soul
through an ethical mistake
and I know that I equally
have her respect
MOMi saw you in my dream
dancing upon the clouds
warming me in your gown
drowning me in your eyes
enveloping my heart
making me safe
you sat in my bed
gave me confidence
that we continue the journey
side by side
we spoke today
so you wouldn't
worry in June
and your voice cut in
like an angel in my heart
when you were the
first
to say to me
I love you
I love you too, Mom
Adding your comment:
But I do believe chapters are a good idea. I have done 25 chapters of "The Queen's Diary" now, and have enjoyed getting the results from each one. I also find I am the only poet out of ten who loves to read longish writes. I find a poem like a good book...can't seem to put it down till I've reached the end
3 old applause
