Will the grazed knee
Ever heal?
Or will it linger,
Like a memory
Of a charming past
Where the odd knock
Meant nothing
But blood.
Author notes
Criticise harshly, as this is in need of improvement. Oh, and by the by, pineapples and bananas dominate.
Written May 26th, 2004
A contest entry
- Within by bethany may.
500 points, ended June 2, 2004, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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OK, your authors comments left me a bit confused but this is a good write
I liked this because I think it's metaphorical of the 'grazes' in life although it could be just about a grazed knee, which is an unusual and unique thing to write about I'd change it by maybe changing the last three lines but I don't know what to, they just don't sound as good as the first five. This is a great write, keep writing because this was excellent
All the best,
Pozo
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The style you used is one that I sometimes like and sometimes dislike, usually depending on the subject matter. I can't tell if your focus is on the knee or the memory connected with the knee. Usually it would be about the memory but you use a simile instead of a metaphor when you say "like a memory" so it is just comparison. Other than that it is a pretty good piece, and my negative viewpoints may be due to a lack of experience on my part.
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ouch...the comparison is interesting. if you were to not take care of that grazed knee it would become infected and possibly deadly. memories that are charming can most often become the most devestating in a very short 3 seconds. i am understanding from the last line that you were in a relationship going well and all of a sudden it took a turn for mayhem and turmoil. i understand the pain of this piece through my interpretations. i'm hoping i'm not far off
~Theo -
It’s amazing how someone can evoke so much out of so few words written. This piece reminds me times of a broken heart that I thought would never heal. Each time it would, I would graze it again. It’s a vicious never-ending circle, but one I keep subjecting myself to. Excellent write.
~ John
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This is a good poem, I like it because it reminds me of how I always fell over as a little kid and now it seems a long time ago and the pain doesn't seem as immense as it was then. This is well described because it brings back the pain and I feel the last line was the best, until then the wording was a little vague and ordinary but the last line was the best. Thanks for your comment on my poem
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THis is good work. Keep it up I truly thing it is good. No bullshit, I like it. Anyway, I am running out of time and until next time, I will read more and more of your work. Keep them posting on the board for us to read and in the meantime, God bless you and your work
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Good start. Too bad big people's boo-boos involve so much more than a little blood. I think you've done a fine job of capturing that here. As for improvements, I'm not sure what to say. It's a little short, but that (in itself) is not a real issue. Maybe if you describe how the knee was grazed and possibly introduce an "adult" injury for comparison? I don't know. I like it as is, though.
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i agree with dolce to the letter
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What do I get from this poem? That it was so much easier to fall when we were younger, when we were kids, because all we had to do was just scrape off our knee and keep going. We'd fall almost everyday. But as we get older, a fall means so much more, like the scars from our childhood, the blood lingers, in metaphorical falling. It is less about the fall itself, and more about what state it puts us in, a state of shock, everything is affected/effected by that fall, things that are completely unrelated, and I imagine after a great fall looking at your knee and remembering by looking at your scars the many falls you had as a kid, and how they meant 'nothing but blood'. I love this poem, it is so well written, every word serves it's meaning so well, there is a complexity and a simplicity here at the same time. It really made me think. Well Done!
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I agree with them, you leave it open to our own thoughts. It can go so many directions. nice write.
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Nice
IT's short and to the point, yet it is charged with emotion...Goodluck in the contest!
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Hmmm...succinct, but it feels like it'd work better in a slightly larger piece of work. Mais c'est moi. Best wishes in the contest!
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=o) very well done.
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Scars are a permanent record of the life we have lived - some we wear on our knees and some we carry inside. Don't change a thing here. Nice job.
Scott
Edited on May 28, 2:16 p.m. because 'typo'. -
baby, darling. this was peacefully right. such a particular thought. such a.. well you know what I think of you. I can only sell well done. plus images of blood, eh? makes me drool. (don't make me ache?)
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I really like this. Sweet and short and simple and straight to the point. Life was so much simpler when I was younger, now, well, let's not get into that
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I dont think you need to change a thing. This left me with a quiet feeling...but impacted me. wow. Your work leaves me pondering well after I read. I love that.
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