So perfect in her cynicism
The lonely child cried
She marched along the empty streets
Aware of what she inspired
She spared a thought for wandering clowns
Enthralled in their made up grim grin
Aspired to be just another face in the crowd
Could not immerse herself in consequential din
When asked by the waitress
From where had she come
She secretly smirked
Shook her head, drank more rum
So cloaked in anonymity
The girl became a stray
Enticed by peer acceptance
She lost the mapped out way
Farfetched in her obscurity
She fell to her knees and pleaded
Swore blind she’d choose the unknown paths
Made impossible claims, as we did
‘Til time became frayed and images blurred
Ambitions swayed and promises slurred
Sentiments greyed and all was absurd
No more alight on this foreword
Author notes
Some things on my mind, not entirely sure how this relates.
Written May 23rd, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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"‘Til time became frayed and images blurred
Ambitions swayed and promises slurred
Sentiments greyed and all was absurd
No more alight on this foreword"
I don't think I've read anything as good as those lines for a while.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this... I do understand what it is about, although perhaps not exactly what it means to you. It struck me as a very sad, desperate poem. Hmm.
Beautiful (=
xXx -
Can we drink ourself drunk in the problems of today? Do we dare walk with nothing to help with our pain? Ones own path has to be walked alone, when we try to take others with us we don't see the path any longer. No reason to take them down with us, so we sit alone. very nice write. well done.
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This is not poetry for the blurry eyed and mind. But I really liked this. I especially loved the words you used, and the phrasing. Usually emotion and tone is what stand out in a poem. But in this it is your excellent writing style that stands above all else- giving the whole poem the image of the very best crystal- thats the the quality of your writing if it were an object that could be sold. nice.
Edited on Jun 13, 12:17 because 'typos'. -
I really enjoyed reading this and it really made me think. This was unusual but very very very good. You did a perfect job with the imagery and the choice of words. All of the metaphors and other figurative language is incredible. Great job
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WOW..i liked this...i can imagine this perfectly...props...
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Very thoughtprovoking...now whom do we blame/ Ourselves for teaching her early that a manipulative smile will get doors opened and we fall into her trap...or ourselves again for not being there to pick her up when she finally fell....yes , we are to blame
Reenie
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This is a very vivid scene you have penned. You keep it obscure enough as to make the reader really think and work through the images...but clear enough to make it all very recognizable. I enjoyed how you transitioned...i think you did this very smoothly! This is very nicely done! I am glad i clicked on this one in the featured section.
UB
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i liked it a i think that u did a good job on the whole thing. especially the ending. i loved the rhyming too.
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Hey, great poem, I really liked it. I especially liked the combination of "grim grin", that made me chuckle. You have an excellent way with words and a huge vocab - although I thought in some places that wording chosen made the poem slow a little bit. Other than that the flow was fine, I really got into it. As for the picture, a nice choice because it instantly set the scene and the feeling, then that combined with the great imagry used. Yeah, I really liked this poem it's a fantastic write, keep up the good work,
- Crowfoot. -
The picture you inserted really got me thinking. I enjoyed this piece a lot, and can relate to it immensely. I loved the lines:
Farfetched in her obscurity
She fell to her knees and pleaded
Is this about you personally, or a women's role in society, generally? -
Well – it seems about the same in the day time…
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A strangely transient scene, from the manipulating child to the unstable adult… I think it may happen by very rarely, more often they seem to end up bruised and abused. The meter seemed a little erratic in places which I usually don’t like, but it seems to fit this piece very well – I must come back and have another look when it’s light or and I’m awake. Very interesting piece.
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