~by Gregg Rowe~
Have you ever been close to death?
I reply
With every beat of my heart.
Author notes
Two and a half years ago, during a routine check up, I was diagnosed with a hole in my heart at the back that grows one centimetre every year, the left side has completely shut down and the right side is swollen, but somehow -- like in my life -- it has compensated and fixed itself to keep me going on in living.
For two and a half years, I have been fighting with the hospital administration to perform the heart surgery needed to go on living and in December that option ran out when they finally cancelled it again because of my HIV+ status. The reasons cited were: my age, no support system outside the hospital, no one to look after me when discharged, plus a few minor ones.
The next week I took my caregiver friend and who holds a high position in another hospital to meet with her I fought back with a threat of a lawsuit for discrimination to be served to the cardiologist the following morning by the Ombudswoman of the hospital. My caregiver assured the cardiologist that I did have a support system outside of the hospitals, that the CLSC is going to be coming over to the house for six months after the operation, and that I was one of the biggest frontrunners in the AIDS community for twenty years and had more support outside than he does inside. She looked at me and asked ' So are you ready for an operation ?' (I came home and wrote this poem.) After two more postponements the day is coming -- the middle of June, date forthcoming in two weeks, the surgeon has left the hospital to recuperate and come back fresh. (Just got that news today, reason for this post.)
The countdown begins, again, which makes it to the date of the operation exactly three years since I was first diagnosed with this condition adding complications to my already soap opera life of staying alive.
And as for the scar that will run down my chest while I suntan, I will wear it proudly for as she says, ' It's just another scar in your fight to staying alive!
Sorry for the rant! Just got the news today so I am a little elated!
Written May 10th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- The Seven Deaths by Aerestheth.
333 points, ended September 4, 2004, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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The same can be said of us all, can it not? Poignant piece.
peace
doug
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whoa thats crazy man... dont really know what to say except good to hear you be good, you know what they say right, what dosent kill you only makes your stronger... and im pretty damn sure you mus be hella strong by now then, so dun worry kid, lol, its all good
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Sad! I also have a heart condition as well as some other illnesses. Without the backround, I don't know if this would've touch me as much. But it did. Loved it!
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You've gone through so much in life, and you're still here telling the tale. You should be very proud of yourself. You are a brave man, and I mean that. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you will be well. Good luck, and much love. We need more men and women with your strength in the world.
Jessica -
You know, you remind me of this incredible woman that I know. She was told at the wondourous age of 5 hours that she would die. (Or rather her parents were told) But, she is still here, and someohw never complains. Even tho, there is constant pain... Every time she's told her time is almost up she just sais, 'watch me.' This hit me pretty hard because I once asked her that question and she replied with the same answer. I swear, it is people like her, and you, that teach me about bravery and love.
Sky -
clap! clap! clap! well done greg . keep up your good fight . you are a light in the midst of our darkness . you show that life and death are only that . you are not what you have . instead of seeing your hiv status they should see the strength that is you... God bless and stay strong
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I have had my surgery Kathy on June 30, 2004 and am back home recuperating. Just glad to be sitting here and masssaging my muse. Gregg
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Angelicfraud:
Okay, I have marinated on that for awhile, and now sit at my computer after massaging my scar with oxygenated skin cream. I have said to my friends over the past few days that I have a beautiful scar and have come to love it like the rest that cover the exterior and interior of my soul. 
Edited on Aug 11, 4:55 p.m. because ''. -
What a profound and moving presentation. The background, the image and your words have a deep impact, but your voice, your strength and determination are immeasurable. I wish you the very best with your surgery, your life. My prayers are with you
~Kathy -
someone once said that our scars are our roadmaps for life...hmmm, just marinate on that for a while...off to read more
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Oh wow, this is such a deeply touching write, along with your author comment. The background and heart moving gif is excellent. The last line "With every beat of my heart" was so sad. You are really determined and have a strong will. I respect that deeply. Take care, and thankyou for posting this incredible piece. Kate
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Awesome!
OMG you are a fighter aren't you. Keep it up lordoftherings because you have a voice that deserves to be heard, no one should be treated or made to feel that they don't matter. We are all part of this world, we all count.
I sure hope you're doing OK, this is one hell of a poem. -
Aww, it's really sad to hear that you have health problems
This was a really good poem- short but effective and quite universal in that life is close to death. A great write, thanks for commenting on my poem
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gregg,
give yourself alot of credit for everything you've gone through,You have a fighting spirit & a talent,,I can understand some of it,,having been a nurse myself till injured,,and having gone through at least 17 major surgeries,,most were life threatening,,yet I survived,I've been on dearths doorsteps more than I care to think of but God's not ready to pull me through that door yet to the other side,I like to think I still have work on this earth to accomplish as you apparently have also! best luck to you fellow scar bearer. I like to call them "Life's footprints",,take care,,hugsssssss,,,Peggy -
Colouredby nature: yes I have had it and back home and making up for lost ime in writing i think I wrtote seven tonight already, boy am I deprived artistically Thanks for the comment Gregg
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And you have had this operation now, yes? I think so from the comments I see on author pages. Have a good recovery. I'd leave a grape or two but I ate them.
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This as a very short but VERY Strong piece, Gregg. So much said in so few words .... the poem, not the comment...lol.. that's a lot said in a lot of words!!
As I read this tonight, you're alreay theough the heart operation and ont he road to recovery, though still in the hospital.
Please know that I wish you well every step of the way.
Dee -
My husband had a colostomy last year (and a revision and a reversal) and it left three scars (one from above his bellybutton to just above his business and another across his abdomen the third is pretty small) added to the ones from his gallbladder removal his stomach looks kind of like a tic-tac-toe board. I tell him to tell people they are knife wounds. LOL The truth is they are badges of honor; signs of survival. Life is precious, every moment of it. We know this; and you have described the feeling well. This poem is perfect and makes the reader contemplate what some people go through with every heartbeat. Well done. I will say a prayer for you. Patti
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Keep your faith strong
I'm so sorry about what you have to go through, but you seem like a very strong and determined man. May God be with you through your ordeal. Your poem is very profound because you're actually living it. It was an excellent write. Good luck to you and God Bless. Avril
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wow.. this can poem can be taken to be metaphorical in so many ways, it's almost scary that it's so real..
I have a friend who's got this same condition, he had to drop out of football because of it, and he gave up on his dream of going pro..
I'm sorry.. i'm not helping am I?
This is great.. be strong, rock on! -
as i read this, you are apparently home from the hospital, as i saw your poem for lady wiccae. i hope all went well, and that your support system does come through for you!
heal quickly gregg!
~liz -
my second cousin whom I love very much was born with a hole in his heart... as far as I know, he is still alive and healthy. I shall pray for you hun, you shall survive.
Everyone loves ya, and I'm one of them.
~*Trilliana*~ -
Wish you the best of luck hun... much love
~CrystalClrBlood~ -
Gregg,
you're gonna have a battle scar. Best wishes, hope you're well. Take care, talk to you soon!
Kati -
Gregg,
God moves in mysterious ways. How come I never found you before but was guided to you by the urging of another friend - and only last night??
I am sorry to learn about your present circumstances and will pray that you come through to say (as Repomen used to) that
"ALL IS GOOD". Best wishes, regards and love. Hugh. -
I know that you must have mixed feelings about the surgery being cancelled this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have had damage to the lower left myocardium since i was a baby due to viral myocarditis. New meds I have been on for the past 3 years, have reduced the my heart back to normal size and I can now walk 3 miles every day...when before I was barely able to walk across a room without a nap..
I pray your surgery goes well when you are able to have it..and that you will grow stronger and that blood will thicken...so that you are ready when the time comes for repair.. Stay strong...
Maddie
Edited on May 20 because ''. -
Scars on the outside shows that we are survivors, it's the inside scars that no one can see that cause us the greater torment. You will come through this surgery and recover to tell us your experiences. I know this and stand by it. Angels will stand at your side, and God will guide the hand and mind of the Surgeon. I am glad you are finally getting the surgery you know best you need. Be blessed my friend and hold on to the strength and faith that you so easily show to us all.
It is so true that with every beat of the heart we are all closer to death, for I could go befor you, even with your complications. No one knows for sure when they will cross over.
your poem speaks to the heart of us all.
Much Love,
Renee
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you are a survivor
Gregg, I wish you all the love I can give to get you through this operation, but you already know that, unconditionally my friend. You will survive it to come back here to us. You ARE a fighter and I will be there in spirit making sure they do their job properly.Love to you~Joan
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You betcha, I am in a contest, the first allpoetry Idol cotest, so that is my goal...use that as my recovery procedure. It's only three days next week, then a day in june but six weeks homecare and then the slow recovery of six months. But hey, I have many more poems to pen before I meet my Zen!
Edited on May 15, 10:50 because ''. -
's you as tight as she can
I wish you all the luck in the world - not that you'll need it, you're a fighter! I'll be thinking of you so take care of yourself.
We'll see you back on here very soon I am sure
Hayles
~xxx~ -
You are definately someone I look up to... among other things, it's your courage and the wanting to fight.... Things that I lack..... I am truly happy for you.
love
jenn -
I am continually frustrated with this nation's medical industry..all about money, selfishness, red tape, and stupidity...instead of life.
nice job and best wishes,
Lea -
Good job on this. It says a lot in just three lines. Good luck with your surgery!
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Excellent
My dear friend my prayers will be with you at all times
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Reminds me of a comercial on tv of a yong man who had a cronic illness and he decided to tell the world about himself. qVery well written I must say. Small and sweet... to the point.
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A most powerful statement Greg.
I hope that your forthcoming op. goes well. you will be in my thoughts. and i wish you a full and speedy recovery.
Ann -
This was very powerful, even though it was short. Just keep your head up, and you will get through it fine. Thank you for explaining your story in the author comments also. My uncle Dana died when he was less than a year old because of a whole in his heart. Of course I wasn't alive then, but I know all about it. Back then babies born with wholes in their heart had a pretty low survival rate. My mom also worked as a Director of Nursing for a long-term AIDS patient facility. It is such a terrible illness...I've seen many people go from it but I'm glad to know you are still HIV+ and not full blown AIDS. Just take good care of yourself for you and your loved ones!!
Great write, Keep it up!
Stacy -
May 11 is twenty days from June.
The injustice, the incompetence,
the inhumanity, the callousness
can be forgotten as good fortune
smiles, and breathes in cadence
with strong new beat to redress
the wrongs you knew. God bless! --Dee
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