Let me empty out the garage,
and reminisce.
Let me empty out the closet,
and make a list.
Let me empty out the house,
as promised...
Then let me wrap my mouth
around this cold barrel & paint.
Author notes
#3
Written May 9th, 2004
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 52 of 52
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fuck
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You must be a rocket scientist well on your way to Uranus.
Edited on Oct 24, 8:54 p.m. because ''. -
Um... interesting. Not exactly what i was looking for because i don't really get it. maybe its just me?
<3 Lindzii -
Very good.
Interesting little thing. Somewhat of a shocker, that last line. Very good. -
Wasn't able to applaude during the contest, but now it's done (thank the goddess), here it is!
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wow, this very unique and interesting, nice job!
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Short yet effective, you might as well have bloody shot me with the message of this one. Don't know how you did it but for something so short and simple, this is poetic genius.
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Then let me wrap my mouth
around this cold barrel & paint.
Uh...SHIVERS, much? lol This was bleeding brilliant, Mr. H...seriously. This reminded me one of Tori's pieces where she goes, "I know where the cupboards are. I know where the car is parked. I know...he isn't you." Just gets me right there in the guts, ya know? lol Anyhoo, truly, you did something utterly unique in my eyes...made ME feel that cold barrel...marvelous. -
Well that about says it as succinctly as anyone can say it, eh?
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"I naturally disagree, and since I'm a professional, and
you're a rank amateur, I win."
I think I love you. But the poem was good. Might have been better sans the author's comment (keep the bastards guessing), but since I am an amateur, and a bad one at that, I capitulate.
flamearrows -
You sure you wouldn't rather be dipping into someone elses pain can? Um... I mean paint can?
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This... Well... um... I don't know what to say. The last line seems to be humorous to me for some reason... Maybe it's because I imagined someone stretching their mouth over a paint can when I read it? I dunno. Anyways, this was awesome as a poem, I thinks. Best of luck to you in the contest.
Coconut
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i have a hard time forming a sentence, but i like critiquing poetry. an honest attempt at the versification of the horrific platitudinous horrification of assuming language and artistic overtones of linguistic reality. really.
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Cold. Honest. Real? All these things ring true here. This is short but you can feel more from the form and release then most poems that try to relay something for far too long. The language is assuming , Caught in the core ( or the barrel ) so to speak and it makes you see things in a horrifying , Yet honest attempt , At the idea of what comes from suicide. Most is cliche in its manners...This is not.
Oh yes...Enjoyed this and its black underbelly.
love to you ,
james
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wooooooooooooooo very good i like it well done this pome made me think i need a spring clean 2 get ride of all the crap in my head ill do that thanks for entring
much love
~SARA~
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Jealous
I naturally disagree, and since I'm a professional, and
you're a rank amateur, I win. Please feel free to check
my resume, and put it up next to your lap snorkle any day. -
poetry displays human emotion, and this doesn't. enough said. thanks but i don't need luck to know that.
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This is poetry, not show and tell, good luck.
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no. i'm sorry, but i needed more from you than that. like emotion, what's going through this person's mind, what led up to this moment. things like that. my uncle did that, he shot himself in the head, and i don't want to read some bitter little thing like this that mocks the feelings he had, what he felt in his life was so wrong that he had to take himself away from my aunt and my cousins. thanks for entering, but i needed more than this.
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This one really got to me. It was your final line that did it. "Then let me wrap my mouth around this cold barrel & paint." and I read that as painting the wall red. Sly imagery, you have to think, but not too hard. I liked how you set the reader up for the symbolism by using other forms of housework as metaphors. Probably the least obvious poem about suicide I've ever read. Well done. Good luck in the contest.
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Yeah, you're one of those lazy bums who think doing a few chores is worse than death itself, I know your type...
Oh...that isn't what you meant???
Um. Hmm. Quite the image. -
Hmmm, what was the poem like before you started editing it? I like it the way it is now.
Reading this is like watching a little lamb running across the field with oh what a beautiful world in the background and then WHAM! someone drops a 10 ton anvil on it's head. -
I like when my eyes pop out of my head
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it is a good thing you didn't "way" the meaning down with too many words??????????
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wow, the end completely smacks you in the face... i never thought of suicide as part of spring cleaning....
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I lvoe short poems and I love this! and Why are you a killer?? lol Thank you for entering Great write Good luck!
Sam -
obviously i'm just dumb.
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great job
this is good,it's very different,it's short but powerful!! that's what i go for,you have alot to say,and it is said well,without too many words to way the meaning down!! that's what i like about,plus i'm a very odd person who enjoys odd things,and this is oddly stimulating and creative!! i respect that,poetic janis -
you are so damn good at pushing a character in poetry .. i shiver at the blood and brains paint job .. -
Hmmm... wondering what the title use to be, bet that was interesting!- jk.
Nicely written, and I like short poems, like the long ones too, think a person needs both to keep things balanced. Anyways, I like the spring cleaning ideas, esspecially for the time of year. Actually cleaned house today and the other day, redoing closets and things, kind of fun, so long as you've got the time.
Tara -
great excellent poem!!!!
good work! what a wonderful short pome this is just wonderful i really love this short poem again great work!
keep up the great work
thank you for sharing this poem with me and all of us
thank you
charismangel98
again thank you
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Yes William. I think that was the point.
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yummy, this is actually kinda disturbing to me since my father did that same thing! But it was a great poem your point expressed very well.
Edited on May 10, 12:43 because ''. -
I rode one of those Dolly Madison Twinkie knock-offs, you know, the purplish red ones with the coconut, but it was on the end of a drill bit and quite dangerous, so i kinda felt like a rodeo star.
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Must appease the natives... Last week I rode a solar powered rainbird to work on high whirl.
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let me empty out my insides maybe..anyhow i did like it alot i useally hate short poems but this is great!!!
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I Don't think you need to make it TOOO obvious
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What no running station wagon?
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I think it should be spring cleaning with a six pack and a handgun strapped to a bottle of pills with the garage door closed....LOL.
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I changed the title to spring cleaning, lol.
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Yes! Yes! See! That's what happens when you've earned your official badge of poetry whoring LIKE ME!
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In this version, the meaning is so clear that a doped, bald assed mandrill could figure it out.
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i myself have used a similar phrase about painting the walls. the simplicity and repition makes it all the more surprising to find such an ending. i find it strange that, at first,you seem to be asking permission for all these things, then you take such swift and decisive action with your...artistry. such a contradiction that one frequently finds in life as well. this was a pleasure to read.
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Is this edit better, read it again?
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wow thats a good poem short and very deep its like sad omg i liked it keep up the good work
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How much for the hotwheel collection?
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Paint the walls with my blood and brains.
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Okay, first of all, I hope you don't get angry with me for commenting on this horus . . . but I liked this poem. I thought it was well done, and it makes perfect sense to me. It's short, yet those few lines are powerful and have a lot of depth to them.
~~~§hanna~~~
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The cold barrel = "gun" (suicide) for me. The whole last stanza makes more sense and sounds great, but the "paint" is confusing... I'm not getting the connection of paint to anything... The house?
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Read it now, is it clearer, I did an edit?
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The first part is nicely done. It makes me feel empty and sad like I'm moving again, leaving everywhere I know...Empty house are just generally depressing. That's just how I saw the first part.
The second part has me slightly confused... Or maybe the meaning is just as obvious as it should be, and i'm looking too far into it...
Well nice piece, horus8.
You have great style.
+Dil
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