The hollow black eye-pupil
Round, exact and glowing
Must be lulled by drifting
With each breath, rising, falling
Some will see faces, but then
The rhythm is lost in quavers
Of emotion, so a dot is All.
This here is impersonal, cold
And calm. When the frame sets
The finger twitches softly, and the
Foreign limb exclaims and flinches
In my shoulder-cradle as if woken.
The automatic cyclical arm action begins
And in this black and white regularity
I catch glimpses of myself
Dancing between iron sights.
Author notes
Very rough, I really really appreciate any feedback!
Written May 6th, 2004
A contest entry
- Still no trophy?? by J Rhys Davies.
300 points, ended May 11, 2004, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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great pomne ben well done keep it up
love sara -
Verry good poem, it relates how when you are sniping people you must also remember that they are sniping you too, which in non-war terms is a verry good thing to remember. Great poem!
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Just as good!
I'm here again to see if you changed anything. I really don't know much about free verse, but this seems quite effective to me. I reiterate!
I'm quite burned by those point-absconders. I lost 40 points on my last feature, 1 comment in 6 clicks! Does no one read - "Thanks for clicking! You get an extra 3 points if you critique this piece, plus the author would appreciate it!" -
Excellent.
Peak of Emotions...very vivid written on such an abstract subject...this is very hard...I'll have to say excellent...beautiful poem. It also shows how deep of an observer you are...At first, I didn't even notice the title of the poem, and thought it was a poem about, you know when sometimes you stare at a thing, but your mind is totally somewhere else and your in a deep trance of emotional thinking. But the title marksmanship still works even if you think of the peom that way too. LoL, read the poem without knowing the title...you might know what I am talking about.
---elm
Edited on Jun 13, 10:05 p.m. because ''. -
Well done
I'm sorry that you think this is rough! I found great images and description which not once mention the tools or goals of the subject. The emotion is calm and exact, describing the oneness of sport. -
"round exact and glowing"
there was something beautiful about that line, I wanted to put it in my mouth, like a lychee.. I like it when you pay attention to bodyparts, I think it could truly be something you could flourish at. especially with your bizarre fascination with shooting, I would love to have you tell me stories of death with beautiful curves of bones and sinewy redness. Go on honey. xxxx -
The was very interesting. I really enjoyed it. You are very talented. I love reading your poems. Keep up the good work.
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This is probably one of the most interesting poems I have read in a very long time. Your use of imagery was quite good in this piece. I would have to relate this to kind of a roller coaster of reading.
Thanks for entering!
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great stuff
cool stuff here.. reads well... the flow is strangely drawing, and just seems to have a feel of a fish been pulled in by the fisherman... well done -
Must be lulled by drifting
With each breath, rising, falling
Some will see faces, but then
The rhythm is lost in quavers
Of emotion, so a dot is All.
THIS WAS MY FAAAAAAV PART!!!!!!!1 I really LUV this!!!!!!!!!1 this rocks my socks!!!!!!!!! LOL I REALLY LUV IT!!!!!!!11 its VERY good!!!!!!!! hope u win the contest!!!!!!! smile smile smile!!!!!1
KATIE QUINN -
very well done, very intense. so you called it rough? i think it should stay that way- the whole this is amazing. your ending is very powerful too, probably my favorite bit. of course, the whole thing is so well penned that it all seems to flow and be a whole and single poem. which it should be and is. congrats on a great write!
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Interesting piece. This reads like the Zen of Russian Roulette -- where one puts oneself in the iron chamber of exactitude and finality, letting the true zen of the moment breathe in all-encompassing breath.
Very well done.
Edited on May 06, 10:01 p.m. because 'typo'. -
impersonal, cold
And calm
And in this black and white regularity
I catch glimpses of myself
Dancing between iron sights
You always have strong endings (not that the rest isnt strong..
I really enjoyed this one and felt it was well written. I was excited to see you had written on this subject! You say it's rough but if this is what you consider a rough draft then I cant wait to see a "complete" one. Wonderful imagery and metaphors in this. I felt like I was about to take aim while reading. Nice one!
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