I watch boats leave
the harbour
one by one
my children packing
for university
Andrew Hide
05~05~2004
Author notes
Written May 4th, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
This is a beautiful write. Very nice.
-
This came once as yourpost in the tanka club (which sadly enough, ended).
The image is solid with the perfect poetic sense. Enjoyed
-
i have been catching up and find in many of your pieces you have 'i watch' in them ...or seeking
... universal i think ..
in this one, i fiddled trying to take the words out, but i like the poet in the frame ...
one by one
I watch the boats leave
the safe harbour
how can I protect
my children now they're grown
this one has a lovely sentiment - as said before me, a universal theme ...
the last line is a little long ? and i wonder if you could show children gone rather than tell us ? ...
i also think mebbe 'the' is not required in line three of the first stanza ... although having said all that i have no idea how that will work as a pivot whereas right now it is implied quite well ...
-
-
Thankyou Gina,
This is one I've been planing on reworking for a while, I've always liked the idea but as a tanka I felt it lacked finesse. I've fiddled with t and think it now reads better being less like a statement.
Andrew
-
-
Simply Beautiful!
If I wasn't all out of applauses for the day, I would definitely have applauded this. The message passed on to the reader in this tanka is very special{Every parent from all over the world would want to applaud this tanka}. Each line in it has an idea/image. The upper part of the tanka{the Kaminshu} reads very well as a haiku all by itself. I like the spacing between L3 and L4. It really makes the lower part of the tanka{Shimonoku} stand out on its own. In this tanka, the "boats" seem to have a double meaning..one, ofcourse, the 'boats' as and what they are and 2. your 'children' who are very dear to you. The "harbour", likewise, has a double meaning as well. First, the 'harbour' what it is for a layman and second, your 'wonderful home' wherein your children were under your love and care. The tanka seems to be conveying the emotion of a worried father who is saying that he loves his children alot and worries for their safety outside his home. This is something every father must feel in his heart{I know, mine does! And a little too much
} I love him just as much and I'm sure, your daughters would be very proud to have a father like yourself. 
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece.
Warm regards,
-Charishma -
oh this is so beautiful. i absolutely love it. i keep wanting to write tanka but can't seem to express what i want...and i don't want it to come out half-hearted so i just stop. but this is just brilliant. the begining sets the image perfectly...and then the emotion of the last two lines is just lovely. (are you not supposed to use punctuation in japanese poetry? i dont think i have ever seen it. but if so, there should probably be a question mark at the end...but i dont know enough about this form to really be sure!) this was truly an amazing poem. so touching. excellent job.
-
Thank you for writing this. It is lovely and you express my exact thoughts of worry and anxiety... My wife tells me we just have to pray harder now that my daughter is married and living in England. They’ve been married for nearly 3 years now and we still leave the porch light on at night so she can come home safely. At dinner I still catch myself wondering what’s keeping her. Her cats still want to sleep on her bed as if she’s still there. They cry at the door if we’ve closed it. My son-in-law and daughter come home on holiday and my wife visits them but it’s not the same. At night, lying in bed I think, did I help her chart her way or is she on her own explorations? I wonder, did I do enough to make her sea worthy? I love your poem. Brilliant simply brilliant. Blessings, ~richard
-
excellent
Bing an-a bang an-a boom. You nailed this one. Half the time you can't even protect them before their grown. Our only hope is to prepare them best we can.
Excellent poem. Excellent message.
John -
you give words to the worries of parents all over the worls Andrew
-
Wonderful
Hi Andrew:
I loved the way you tucked the last two lines in with the safe harbour. A wonderful Tanka. I am sure you would find a way. As I say, they may move away, but they don't go away. Thanks for a beautiful and emotional write. -
Just wonderful. I like the simplicity, the syllabic phrasing, and the message most of all.
Aesthetics a PLUS! I know the heart. I sure do. Thank you for sharing this golden apple.
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
