Invisible shifts, and currents from earth to void
I've toyed around with no better co-dependent.
Than you, and the way you hug your egg
Keeping your waters blue, deep and saltier still.
Tornadoes between cloud and sharp prairie dog
bark; In this wide open expanse, all will blow away.
Direction-less-everywhere, keeper of the spectrum
Keeping the espy of stars from burning us to dust.
Gardens of green cells dividing, seeding, dying
in exchanges of energy too simple to see by eye.
Two way mirror, semi permeable womb, osmosis, I've -
- taken you for granted, because I've become used to you.
All around me, inside of me, modestly carrying me
along breath by breath, storm by storm, yawn by sigh.
Author notes
Written April 30th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Elements (enter now!!!) by Salig Flicka.
300 points, ended May 1, 2006, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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I like that you chose wind since it's the least tangible. It's visibly absent ("invisible shift") while omnipresent ("keeper of the spectrum... all around [you]") and you really hit on that! I especially like the interplay between you and it, the "osmosis." What a refreshing way to describe it. I'm gonna give it a third read!
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No, you are DQed for being a guff mouth breather.
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You are DQed for breaking the rules.
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Oh, this is another wonderful write by you. I love the egg metaphor....and the sacred places it takes me too.
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A fantastic description of a great element. The one closest to human life as it is needed to sustain us. You did well on this. Congrats on your silver.
Blessed be
~~Serenity~~
Billie Jean -
The first poem I've read in along time that avoids any sort of cliche. Very refreshing ideas. The whole thing seems to gravitate around the question of 'the meaning of life', i.e do we have a purpose on this earth, or are we simply a scientific occurance. I fell in love with these lines;
'Direction-less-everywhere, keeper of the spectrum
Keeping the espy of stars from burning us to dust.
Gardens of green cells dividing, seeding, dying
in exchanges of energy too simple to see by eye'
I feel the line 'I've taken you for granted, because I've become used to you' may work on many levels. Either it is about one person in-particular, or it is a comment about the unquestioned constructions of the human society (which I think is most likely considering the nature of the whole poem).
One thing though, is there supposed to be a full-stop (sorry, English wording!) at the end of the first stanza, coz it seems to flow better without one.
Sorry for such a long comment, just so nice to have found something so completely worth commenting about!
Great write, you are going on my favourites list. -
ooo, i like it a lot. great entry. thanks for sharing.
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I hate to admit it, but it's beautiful
The best I've read from you (even if that isn't much...). Beautiful imagery, addressing something that is too often taken for granted. I especially like the last line, how you relate it to many things, to humanity and nature and left the line with many emotive connotations. Well written.
Lynn xXx
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this is really really good. forget labradors. hope you are well. getting ready to open the antique shop .. busy weekend moving stuff around .. (i like the one word titles, lots)
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I think "I've toyed around with no better co-dependent." is very insightful. I like this a lot. It's deep in a beautiful, I'm-afraid-of-its-possible-hidden-currents kind of way.
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I haven't been here long enough to say I have worked through all the metaphors in this piece...it is nicely stocked with such and quite an interesting (and very well written) poem.
I am with Nurse C on the ova theory...particularly followed by reference to waters in the next line - soul waters perhaps, deep and mysterious and indigestible.
And the second to last couplet...love the word use and theme presented - the reasons why things get taken for granted. Sets up for a strong finish. -
Jeremi.. this is fabulous.. you're writing at the moment is blowing me away.. pardon the pun.. Ar referrence an all..
but.. I love the line.. the way you hold your egg.. I don't know why but I thought of a ripe woman, bearing fruit??? well ova referrence.. egg... lolololol I might be wrong.. anyways.. great piece...
~GILL~xxxx -
Osmosis indeed. Watch out -- you'll be writing Robotica next.
GRIN
Nice write. Best of luck in the contest. -
lyrical even.
why the one word titles lately?
though not that im complaining, it doesn't affect the quality of the work.
it feels more spiritualistic to me, than anything else.
have you found God? or are you still a non-believer?
From one nonbeliever to another.
N... -
i like your response above horus, and my imagination feels that air is symbolic for mother nature, cradling us, scattering seeds and sending storms in our best interest. i love the feel of this poem, very spiritual. best of luck in the contest!
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That would defeat the purpose of the poem. If the title is "Air" I'm sure it's pretty self explanatory, as for the metaphor, it could mean something different to each individual. God, life, the invisible world of gasses and the chemical creation of life on this planet, use your imagination.
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nice job but i need you to put in your authors comments what the sybolism is and explain the meaning of this poem is but again very good write
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emotions and metaphores/symbolism are so apparent in this write it is amazing. Great job, keep up the great job, thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest.
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biology was never my strongest subject and i never understaood permeable membranes - but your imagery and metaphor works well here
only comment :- should 'use' be 'used' in last but one cuplet? -
Very good peom, I love the last line
'along breath by breath, storm by storm, sigh by sigh.'
It's very interesting and strong with it's repetition, it's a good way to end the poem -
Wordy...
Wow... you give words a new meaning. and you find ways of expressing them in ways I would have never imagine (and read before)... that's interesting. You're an intersting fella. I've read some of your other work too. Quirky you are. And you write/speak with excellence - all in your own way. I dig that
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Cool
Interesting!!! I've never been much of a science person, but I like your descriptions here. Very well written, good word choice too. -
this piece is miraculous. it is just...overflowing ..with emotion. i love the metaphors and wording and the depth and i love the poem. your did justice to yourself with this write and made a great first impression to me. i look foward to reading more of your works in the future
Jay
Edited on Apr 30, 2:52 p.m. because 'i am a dumbutt'.
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