And so she looked up to the yellow sky watching as things unknown passed over head. They fly, weaving and dodging the clouds in their way. Silver scales moving with graceful precision cutting air into little pieces. Then they fall going down, far down, back to the abyss of day.
Author notes
Exactly 50 words and done in school :0)
Written April 28th, 2004
A contest entry
- ~*~Fifty Word Fiction~*~ by Meridian.
350 points, ended May 7, 2004, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Like an exerpt from a story it made me want to keep reading but there was nothng left. The Judger of this contest must have wanted to tease all of us who read this
lol It definately was very good, though. Well I'll just stop here and say, fatalbert took the words right out of my head and described how he felt about this much better than I. So for a better critique than this that perfectly describes how I feel refer back 3 comments
Crystal -
Wow this is really cool and sweet.'Silver scales moving with graceful precision cutting air into little pieces.' nice use of imagery. I like this! It's not the ususual kind of sad depressing 'i want to kill myself' thing u read on here which is nice for a change. And its so pretty! lol well done keep it up! x Hollie x
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Thank you so much for this comment it is one of the best i have gotten. And i'me going to re read if only he knew :0)
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excellent
this is a very beautiful poetic story (that's what i want to call it due to the excellent poetic wording). the last sentence is an excellent way to end a story of this type. i like it due to its contrast between abyss and day. i have never seen those words so close togethor...seeing them like this is amazing. it takes much skill to write something like this with the restraints of this contest. good job and thank you for critiquing If Only He Knew (revised). -
very visual..Colorful and descriptive.. A little awkward feel with the air cut in little pieces cause I thought it hindered the flow, and then the "they" that comes after, I am not entirely sure, if it is referring to the silver scaled unknowns or to the air pieces...Only complaint...otherwise...thumbs up
peace
Chris -
Very good!
WOW, you've used some wonderful imagery in this. Well done X X
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the abyss of day!!!
awww.
this is really good.
It's simple and short, but the develpoment is still there, so overall it's a nice little story. Of course, I think it'd be better if it were longer- but the contest is to make a short story.
And so I like it, and salute you. kudos.
I can't write stories anyway-
great job.
(fin)
-chelsea
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1 - 7 of 7
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