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Night Flight

Nymphs never knew of
Poisoned waters and bloodshed moons
Till butterflies died in jars
And tea was made from tears.

Still we fly,
fly on like goodbye stars
Where happily ever after
Wasn't so cliche.

Author notes

Alright, like always, i'm looking for constructive criticism to make it better, even AFTER the contest is closed. Thank you for being specific.

Night Flight - http://www.flickr.com/photos/mike_coxe/3488379863/sizes/o/in/set-72157617518824960/

Contructive criticism makes me brighter

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • shadow in a mask
    February 16
    Edit | Reply

    hey, it's me!

    hey, this is really good! it flows to me really well.


  • donnie2
    December 15, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    hey stormy, i liked this alot. i could visualize everything in vividly. its actually very thought provoking.

    you wanted constructive criticisim, well, i would suggest the second line in the second paragraph to read more like this,

    "we soar away on shooting stars"

    that way you aren't using "fly" back to back. but thats just me.


    • Stormy Sky
      December 15, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      normally I would really think about that, but I did write the fly back to back on purpose. =] Anything else you can think of, though?


  • elavina.riverwind
    December 10, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I actually think that it doesn't require much editing. The um word plays or imagery words are really well done and if you messed it up it might not come out so good. I'd leave it. .

1 - 5 of 5