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Who am I?

Am I here? Am I me? Who am I?

 

Somehow lost is who I am.

Outside so happy and free.

In a world of hurt and judgement.

 

Time flows so slowly.

Every tick of a clock so loud.

Screaming in my ears.

 

Dark circles under my eyes.

these eyes which perceive 

clear colored hazel skies.

 

Drawn is the line.

From which now I cross.

Everyday, every hour.

 

I love, I hate, I cry.

Though I know

someday I'll die.

 

Life isn't fair.

Never was never will be.

I've stopped wishing

 

Someone will see me.

Not me to the world around.

But me deep down.

 

In this night I hope to say.

Love cannot last.

And I am me anyway.

 

what do you feel?

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Comments


  • ParadoxFry
    December 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you very much for your entry.

    I’m not really a fan of this piece.

    Most of the images are extremely clichéd. Time as a ticking clock, being seen ‘deep down’, a drawn line crossed, life isn’t fair, momento mori, etc.

    I appreciate the feeling that you’re trying to convey, but it’s really lacking in original thought and expression.

    I’m also having a bit of trouble with the flow. It’s very wordy, and a bit disjointed, but not in a way that adds to the piece. The occasional, but inconsistent rhyme also seems a bit out of place.

    The progression of the idea is good, how you go from confusion into a self realization kind of statement. It has potential, but I think you need to make it more YOU. In your own words, no words that you’ve read before, or common expressions that lots of people use. I think that maybe you have some good insights into momento mori, but I can’t get get at them, because you just said ‘I’m going to die anyway’ without taking me to why you’ve said that, or how it’s relevant, or what it means to you.


  • meic
    November 29, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    You've taken us elegantly through confusion and despair to eventual self-affirmation and hope. Excellent progression.
    Mike