Pretty is the girl near that fallen tree
her skirt hem rises over the shadowy roots;
Gripping tightly to the juniper shoots
soul of bourgeoisie hopeless and still free.
How I delight in her beauty,
under this pale moon light,
my soul seeps from these strings that bleed,
essence of all that which I do dream;
She gave me this rendez-vous,
music is her life and for me she weeps;
Eyes staring up into the stars of night
beautiful and oh so rare.
Author notes
a w a n n a b e p o e t -
Words that came to mind as I was listening to the Spanish Guitar track.
http://www.icompositions.com/music/song.php?sid=127666
Please tell me what you think offer some advice on how to make it just that much better
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Romantic
and mysterious! I tried to hear the music that inspired this but couldn't & I'm wondering if this is the same music that I was inspired by.
This certainly conjures an image of a Rendezvous! Well done. 
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It is a spanish guitar track I put together from loops, on Icomp.
Thank you so very much for reading and commenting on this.
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Just lovely! The first stanza's descriptiveness is just gorgeous!
I love how music inspires you!
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Awe Jackie, thank you so much for that. You are just fabulous!
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absolutely gorgeous write! My muse wouldn't come up with something so beautiful xx DD
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DD, never doubt your muse, never doubt yourself for you have many gifts some of them perhaps you are not aware of yet.
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Oh my... speechless thanks for sharing.. man its so lovely.
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Hello krystal,
Thank you so very much for your fabulous comment, I really appreciate it.
Will try to return the favor soon.
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wowww : ) I love this : )
I see your Author name all over this website but I don't spend the proper amount of time looking at your poems. I think I should though
Pretty is the girl near that fallen tree
her skirt hem rises over the shadowy roots;
I loved this. I like that you related the hem of her skirt to the nature around her, not in relation to anything else, like her own body or her other clothes. this piece is purely beautiful and touching.
I also really like the ending, how she weeps for you. I love french words, so even though it's a spanish song, I can't help but attach myself to the words "rendez-vous"
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Thank you so very much for your awesome words, you know sometimes I try too hard sometimes I just let it all hang out so to speak. I try to do what I can to comment on others works too, its all good in the end.
I am debating on this piece if I should move away from the rhyme in the first stanza, it just came out that way.
I will try to return the favor as soon as possible
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this stands
strong without the use of music..well i had my 'own' version rockin to this 'beat'
i loved it!
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Hi Swan,
Would love to hear it sometime, I know you got it in you my friend.
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stunning piece hun would love to hear the music you hear,, I know the song is stunning .. this is a beautful poem Hugs always ♥
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Hello Angel, you are such a sweetheart. I need to tweak this a little because it is true I started off using a rhyme scheme and then dropped it. Need to get back into that mood and then take it from there.
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good start...its a really good imagery and comparing in the poem, just you started it out with rhyming the 1st and 4th lines and the 2nd and 3rd lines so you should stick with that rhyme scheme if at all possible. The subject is a little wonky, it goes everywhere. Soul of bourgeoisie hopeless and still free-its akward. Maybe change it to the "soul of a bourgeoisie, it is hopeless, yet it is still free" and change the rhythm to fit with that? Then "under the pale moon light" might be better as "that i see so clearly under the pale moon light" or something. It gives setting and detail about the girl's beauty in two random lines which aren't seeming to be connected...does that make sense? why is she weeping for you, why make that line about her soul being music and then you skip to something about how she weeps for you, that is too skipped around...and maybe you should put the last two lines with the first two lines in the second stanza to make it fit better? like agreeing subjects?
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Hello Lovealotbear,
Those are excellent suggestions...
To me she is the guitar, hence music is her life, her being, her soul ....
The problem I was having is that I am trying to write this before the feeling escapes as I am grinding on programing code as well so it is a strange mix.
I will look at your comments and see about adapting or fitting in the suggestions to make this a better piece.
I really appreciate your input, it is very well stated and positive in outlook.
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ok that makes sense, but maybe you should include that in the poem, something about her being the guitar, so the poem makes more sense. Thank you for saying that my input was good! maybe you could look at my poems? And ik the feeling, the i have to write this before it gets away? thats a feeling I get a lot-and hahahaha i just got it again! lol thanks for replying and telling me that it was about a guitar, that makes it make more sense for sure.
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You did listen to the piece of music that this was for right?
Sometimes making it too obvious takes away from the poem but still I will take all this into consideration and tweak it a little.
I will certainly read some of your poems as well, have you joined our Today's Poem Group? -
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oh how do you enter Today's Poem Group? I will look into that, thanks for taking the time to read my poetry, dont forget to tell me what you think! and no I haven't heard the piece of music this is for, no. What is the piece of music? I will look it up, thanks! and yeah that makes sense, thanks for explaining that...
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