I softly hummed an ancient Sheppey tune to myself (SEE NOTE X BELOW)
As I drove over the Swale Bridge to the misty isle,
Bound for Britain's most neglected seaside resort,
Gorgeous Leysdown-on-Sea, what a fucking slum it is.
A seaside town without a hotel, not even one?
No restaurants at all, only greasy burger bars?
A place where no one with a touch of taste
Could ever dream of visiting for lusty holiday nookie?
O lovely Leysdown, mecca for tasteless tourism,
Where even the homeless might decline a freebie,
Where smoking 50 cigs a day is toujours de rigeur
And where the amusement arcades clatter night and day!
O wondrous haven of the grossly overweight
Where the obese underclass take off their shirts
To expose their hirsute man-boobs to the pale English sun
And where pornographic tattoos abound below each waist!
O paradise where dimple-buttocked peroxide blondes
Burst enchantingly out of their skimpy shorts
To tempt drunken lager louts to a night of love
Followed by a safety check for social disease
At the nearby understaffed Sheerness pox-clinic!
But there is more to this paradise on English earth
Than meets the unsuspecting boulevardier's eye.
Just up the road, en route to the Nature Reserve.
Along an unpaved, muddy, rutty, unmade road
Fit only for a tractor or perhaps a rental car,
Lies a mecca for the ugly and the masochistic:
Yes, Oh sweet merciful Jesus, it's the Naturist Beach
Where untold sensual horrors are on offer for all.
See! Lurking amidst the windstrewn sand dunes
Are gay old men with shrivelled sunburnt todgers,
Waiting hopefully for some ghastly mutual frotting session.
Look! Gross shaven-pubed women with metal labial inserts,
Glintingly beckon the visitor with the promise of a Hellish congress!
And just think: an added frisson is the fact there is no public toilet
Within two miles, so the dainty dunes are strewn with rancid piles
Of decaying human turds topped by telltale toilet tissue.
And it was here that my voyeuristic mother-in-law Agnetha
Met a terrible fate when she slipped on a pile of used johnnies
And drowned in an inadequately fenced-off disused cesspit.
Adding your comment:
Oh, and don't listen to that woman who is trying to show you her cleavage - it's the perfect length hun 
(I'm talking about the poem before you reply!)
