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Out of the Fog

Missing image

Across the bay can be seen, the remains of a ship.
Lost in the stormy night, in a dreadful ocean pit.
Its broken skeleton silhouetted in the full moonlight.  
Like shattered ribs sticking up, a foggy fearful sight.

In the slimy recesses of the never-ending fog,
lies the pool of timelessness that which is the bog.
Five minutes from the stroke of midnight,the clock suddenly stops.
Windows shatter in glass shards, up and down the block.

Then of a sudden, a bell rings out at the stroke of midnight.
A town now sleeping peacefully, unmindful of its plight.
The wind is softly creeping across the pier tonight.
Waves slowly beating in deep rhythmic blight.

Hearts are slowed in sleep as the bell sounds midnight.
Now the phones start ringing, all the phones all night.
The wind begins to howl, a deep mournful sound.
To anyone out at night, a sound that will surround.

Glass is heard shattering, bottles rattle...break.
A creaking is heard chattering, out across the breaks.
Lights are lost in deep gloom, as the fog rolls in.
Strange forms move in the bog, and toward the town...they begin.

No life is about at this hour,except a late wine'in man.
Who's familiar has departed, and left him without a friend.
His life is lost in the gloom, to a formless demon.
A creature whom without a heart, who carves like a seaman

With wispy movements the fog advances across the windy wastes.
Its movement seems guided, as towards the town it makes.
All life in its clutches vanishes, snuffed out with great haste.
Bloody animal carcasses, a touch of fog is all it takes.

Now the sleep drains from sleepy clouded minds
and the fog advances claiming all mankind

Carving and slicing its weaving wispy way

it advances ignoring the quickly approaching day

 

"Now listen children to the sounds from the fog!

There are screams from things dying, and its a prologue!"

Of whats coming in the dark to your sleepy home

trailing wet footsteps wherever it roams.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Fujin1337
    November 16, 2009

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    Very good,
    but obviously you had it featured for a reason,
    and my guess is you want it construvtively critiqued...so these are just my opinions, I'm not forcing you to do anything, just ideas, with my artistic influence.

    critical suggestions:
    line 3: remove the "and" "full"; then you have 13 syllables in every line, and it's more concise, while not losing any meaning.
    line 4: I liked the idea of a foggy fearful site, because a certain fearful sight just implies that the sight is scary, and you can make it out. It seems like you were over a syllable, and so just took away the ly off the end of certain. also alliteration with foggy + fearful.
    line 5: fog? slimy? not in my opinion. try something more like "dense, dark"
    I got this simply by googling fog, so you know how for other poems.
    Or, if in your mind, fog is slimy, keep it like that.
    line 6: wrong syllabes, great idea. consider rephrasing to something like...
    "lies the pool enduring of timelessness; the bog."
    line 7: syllables again. I like the expression "hard by" instead of just five minutes to. it expresses a vague, yet concisely clear idea. consider:
    "hard by the stroke of midnight, the clock suddenly stops."
    got this by going to www.thesaurus.com and typing in .... think it was close to...
    the rhyme is a little forced...
    line 8: I'm not sure how to correct this, but the correct preposition is not in, it is into, unless they windows are inside glass shards as they shatter.
    line 9: I LOVE the idea of this line. I almost always give people the criticism of something along the lines of..."onomatopoeia mixed with vivid imagery and short cacophonous words/flow , in my opinion, really engage the reader.

    I'm sorry, but I don't have much more time for constructive criticism.
    However, I loved the images that flowed through my mind as I was reading this poem. the idea of a fog-monster that killed everything it came into contact with is very scary, you've done very well, and I can see you doing even more with this fantatsic idea.
    keep it up, and great work.


  • Creed Trees
    November 16, 2009

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    Great poem. A lot of imagery was used. I loved it a lot. Nice picture as well. I can clearly see you're either a gold member or silver.

  • youngatheart1972
    November 16, 2009
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    FANTASTIC! I really enjoyed this. Such a wonderful imagination you have.


  • i love him2012
    November 16, 2009
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    wow this is really good LOTS of detail i can use all 5 senses with this....good write

  • msjuicytech
    November 16, 2009
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    What vivid imagery.. Very creative.

1 - 5 of 5