new-shed horse feathers,
opal-chip iridescent,
collect in drifts at the cliff-tops,
drawing eyes away from deeper strata, from
shadows spinning mysteries
in dark and secret hollows.
no one knows what they've hidden
safe and sound, far away
swaddled with sure security,
an oblivion transcending mere obscurity... yet:
echoing up the mine-tunnels and magma tubes
grave-chill lightly nipping the ear
skull-rattle songs of infant wraith-winds
cutting their cthonic canines on rotted stone,
wisps of mist and knowing silence
spiral newborn from the mouths of long-forgotten corpses
to chase each other ever-upwards,
gyring sinister to the light.
Author notes
Prompt: Song title 'Whisper in the Dark'. (By Skillet.) Never heard of the song or the band... inspired purely by the words of the title.
A contest entry
- Wonderful Song Title Prompts Contest by MJ Forgives.
1260 points, ended December 4, 2009, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - versatility by littlegirlapril.
1250 points, ended November 21, 2009, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write Madness by Bean Sidhe.
700 points, ended December 10, 2009, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Silver dollars and empty lungs (prewrites) by Writing0Freedom.
600 points, ended January 24, 209 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
"skull-rattle songs of infant wraith-winds"
fantastic phrase
oh and "gyring" worthy word
-
wow for not being inspired by the lyrics, but the title alone, shows how vivid your imagination is. weirdly, your images matched what came to my mind when i read the prompt too
i enjoyed what you had to say here : )
-
This is quite an interesting piece. Your vocabulary is lovely and your choices create such wonderful imagery. There are a few words that I am admittedly unfamiliar with, such as gryring and cthonic. So obviously their meanings escape me. My favorite part by a landslide is:
"grave-chill lightly nipping the ear
skull-rattle songs of infant wraith-winds
cutting their cthonic canines on rotted stone,
wisps of mist and knowing silence"
Beautiful. The only criticism that I could offer you is that the actual message of the poem seems unclear so it's difficult to pick out an exact subject and determine whether the them is of lasting significance. I'm also wondering about the title & how it plays into the rest of the piece. I nearly think that the piece is a story of life, from youth to death and back again.
Artistically speaking, the poem is simply done. Personally, I get the impression that this is deliberately so. It's a ballsy move and one that indicates to me that you are aware that this is a strong contender that does not need the bells and whistles of fancy fonts and background pictures.
In any case, I thank you for your entry. I very much enjoyed reading your work and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
- Bean Sidhe
-
The words are profound
But are you aware that this is a contest about technique, and not content? You are talented and creative in your writing, but I fear that you have not yet enirely learnt how to phrase your stanza's and verses to get the maximum effect, but you are well on the way. Also, try experimenting with suggestion: not the kind where you allow the reader to come to a similar conclusion to the one you directed him to, but a suggestion where you force the reader to draw the imagery in his head. If this does not make sense, read any of my poems. -
-
Actually, I was hoping for critique. I'm not worried about improving my content.
Thank you.
-
-
wow. i like this quite a bit. i don't even know what to say. good luck and thank you for entering.
<3littlegirl -
This is a really great poem. I enjoyed reading this. This is my faverite part: "no one knows what they've hidden
safe and sound, far away
swaddled with sure security,
an oblivion transcending mere obscurity... yet:". I hope you do well in my contest and thanks for entering. Love and Peace!
-Jess
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
