i built moire out of the remmants of menthol and the chemical the earth drops as it spins. and somehow along the way while we jumped head first into days, water, edges, and beakers; you dropped my hand before i could show you the bottom of the earth. once i asked you whether you were going let me take colored pencils and fill all your empty spaces in but you said no.
because "then who would i be, if i'm not five shades of grey and twelve shades of polaris i'd be something less than that, something colder than alaska, something in the shape of dying things, something that has memories like ephemeral dreams. i don't want that. "
and then you ran, your bones shrunk inside their coal mines, and your skin compacted as you eyes stopped seeing me, and i couldn't touch you anymore. you stood right there and you ran; you weren't ever coming back; you played hide and seek in your bloodstream where i couldn't go. i dove my hands into the creases filling your ribs, and i locked myself inside your hipbones so you'd know you wouldn't ever have to be alone. but the girl with sunflower highs and a candy corn smile; closed herself away that night.
you started naming mangled road kill after yourself; and promising me that you weren't running to five dollar rest stops because i wasn't enough; but to be warm.
you asked me to let go; after you reminded me i'd do anything for you. your eyes whispered, whispered, wanted me to know that 'maybe you were meant to be lost. '
i whispered, whispered, screamed "maybe, i was meant to find you. "
because when
the world ends
and you are
between my
hands and ribs
i promise you,
i will save you.
Author notes
w r i ti n g 0 f r e e do m
In a list
A contest entry
- Prose; lovely prose. by sepia stars.
500 points, ended November 19, 2009, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Yum, Auditions. by Not-The-Sun.
900 points, ended December 26, 2009, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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this is excellent.
I have only one critique.
your punctuation is not the best.
but the girl with sunflower highs and a candy corn smile; closed herself away that night.
neither of these two halves of the semicolon are complete. this killed me throughout the whole write. disrupted the flow, made me unsure where sentences actually ended and began.
anyway, yes to the auditions. I loved everything else about this piece. -
-
my punctuation isn't good. suggestions?
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and then you ran, your bones shrunk inside their coal mines, and your skin compacted as you eyes stopped seeing me, and i couldn't touch you anymore. you stood right there and you ran; you weren't ever coming back; you played hide and seek in your bloodstream where i couldn't go. i dove my hands into the creases filling your ribs, and i locked myself inside your hipbones so you'd know you wouldn't ever have to be alone. but the girl with sunflower highs and a candy corn smile; closed herself away that night.
yes to the yum auditions,
this was brilliant.
-
im going to say yes.
-
because when
the world ends
and you are
between my
hands and ribs
i promise you,
i will save you.
this is SO unbelievably gorgeous. i am speechless...your poetry is absolutely beautiful!
-
you're so effing brilliant.
whoa, seriously -
by the end of the poem you had my heart racing. not just any kind of racing but the kind where the room spins and your hands blur. that kind.
'then who would i be, if i'm not five shades of grey and twelve shades of polaris...'
'because when
the world ends
and you are
between my
hands and ribs
i promise you,
i will save you.'
- those are my favorite bits.
this is all so fan-tas-tic.
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