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What the War Took From Me

You were eighteen

I was twenty-one

the war had just begun

but hadn't come to us,

it hadn't spilled blood

in our streets and alleys

or dumped bodies

on our doorsteps yet.

 

You danced along the cobblestones,

casting shadows on the rock walls

of our town as the sun shined bright

but not as bright as your eyes or mine -

I knew I loved you that day

as you pirouetted to your own ballet.

We were young and foolish

and believed nothing would come between us.

 

Then the guard marched on Town Square

and broke down every door.

They tore people from their homes

and left this place an empty graveyard.

Days stretched into years

I wrote letter after letter

and inquired everywhere,

then began to fear the worst

and mourned the lovely young lady

I had come to love so much.

 

Imagine my surprise the day 

you walked by my cafe

with a man on your arm.

A hundred thoughts and emotions 

exploded like fireworks

in my mind at once:

you were alive! what joy!

you were with him... what confusion

and enthusiasm faded to sadness,

which succumbed to numbness.

 

That was decades ago,

yet every time our paths cross

in the street or in my store,

you start to smile

and my heart begins to soar.

Hope blossoms like a flower

in a field of ashes,

then you say

"it's too lovely a day

for you to still be alone,

why have you found no one?"

 

"I have been waiting,

waiting all these years

for you, my love" I respond,

then you shake your head and say

"We are not children anymore,

we were lost in the war"

before you return to your husband.

 

As I watch you retreat

I see shadows

of our younger selves

dancing on the rock walls

and pirouetting on the cobblestones.

I ache for the chance to change history,

shed a tear and head home alone.

Author notes

Inspired in part by the picture, and in part by "Snow Falling On Cedars" and "Wild Swans".

I don't think this came out how I wanted it to... I got so lost in the story that I really couldn't focus on the poem itself. The story is what matters anyway.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • BellaD
    January 16

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed your story within the poem. I have read Wild Swans and I can see the inspiration--lost innocence, the devastation by war on love and relationships---Very well done. I like the imagery of the young couple dancing along the cobblestones together.


  • jinsays gold member
    December 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I liked your story. One of my favorite movies is "Flyboys", and not because of the war scenes, but the love story between that lovely French actress and the kid from Spiderman...what's his name? ugh...
    Anyway, I applaud you going your own way in this contest, I would have loved to hve read more about it, or seen more scenes between these two. Also, I love that you wrote it from HIS perspective, an especially nice touch there, darling.
    All in all, I would say you've written a lovely piece, but I dont think its finished. I think it should be prose, and the beginning a a love story the likes of which we've never experienced before. I really do. Thank you for taking the time to enter this contest, and I wish you all the best.
    love,
    jin


    • Auburn Sunrise silver member
      December 4, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      Dearest Lovely Jin

      I agree completely that it feels unfinished and needed more scenes. Thank you for the Honorable Mention and for your wonderful comment

      I may develop this into a story ... possibly a full-length novel ... but there are many along the same lines. My true inspiration for this was WWII (and to a lesser extent the years of war and civil unrest in China between the Boxer Rebellion and Mao's regime) - but I purposefully made details vague enough to fit any war in any country in any time (all though cobblestones hints at Europe, I believe).

      Perhaps it would be better with the details colored in?

      Thank you again


  • jinsays gold member
    December 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    okay, Im coming back to this one, stay right here, alright?
    thank you
    love,
    jin


  • MelKat gold member
    December 2, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    I'm speechless

    This is an amazing piece of work painting a picture of lost love, despair and hope.
    I love this small excerpt.

    You danced along the cobblestones,
    casting shadows on the rock walls
    of our town as the sun shined bright
    but not as bright as your eyes or mine


  • Pure Thought
    November 24, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Well, I for one love the tail you spun here... now get back to it and spin more.

1 - 6 of 6