This Evening...

By: Alex Leimbeck
11-2-2009


This depicts 11-1-2009 through 11-2-2009


I asked her
How she felt
How she was

She told me
About as good
As it could now

Saddening it is
To know how quickly
I made you happy before

To know now
I was losing you
And could really do nothing but wait

Feelings of defeat
Define my very essence

I try to look past it
To know I still have you
And continue to

But that ill-feeling remains
That what I cherish and hold dear
Could be gone at a moment's notice

Do I really deserve this?
Do I have to deal with this pain?

This pain; this agony
The excessive mind-numbing pains are murder

No.
I don't have to.
I can end it all...
Like others have said...

But that is what is wrong
It cannot end
Though the pain is great
Though I am the innocent bystander
I know my feelings are true
I know my Julianne is in there
Wanting me to cradle her...

"Alex, I honestly do not know."

'If you don't
Then take and heed the words
Of someone who does...

I know you're lost
But I know what you've enjoyed
Who you've loved...'

Seeing her constantly lost
It tears me up inside
It kills me.

I hate pointing fingers.
I don't want to point fingers.
I won't point fingers.

When I don't it seems
I am the victim
Of an invisible foe...

What do I do
How do I fight it
When will it go away?

She tells me what I do
Is only temporary relief
Am I really losing her?

One whom I've cared for so much
One whom I've done so much for
One whom I've loved so much

What do I do?

Her tears
Granted me the strength
To jog in her name this night...

- - -

So I finished it
My circle of reflection
My Octavarium for the night.

I jogged for a time
Weakening my mind and body
To the core...

For a longer time I walked
Reflecting on us
Coming to conclusions...

To first jog
And weaken myself to the point of tears
I chose my questions to ask myself...

'Does she really love me?'

'Do I really love her?'

'Are we really in love?'

'Has this all been but a waste?'

'Should it end?'

Throughout walking
I decided
And cried...

Though my legs screamed at me in pain
And the rest of me ached in agony
I jogged back home in conclusion...

To never weaken your body physically
Can be to reflect blindly
...to love blindly...

It was in these moments
When the rest of me ached
But inside me, I rose my fist to the sky

"JULIANNE!!!"

I wanted to yell out so terribly...

"I LOVE YOU!!!"

I wanted to scream...

Though she may still be confused
Though she may still sob
I'll hold her close
I'll wipe away those tears of sadness
And replace them with tears of pure joy...

My life's Octavarium is over...

This is where I belong...

I love you, Julianne.

            -Alex Leimbeck