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Coffee

She stood seductively;
beautiful body bound by my own.
Her presence spread like the aroma of
coffee in the morning,
only far less bitter.

She was clothed for the occasion,
covered in moonlight and liquor.
Bangs falling in her face rhythmically,
and being brushed aside softly.
The room condensed around her lush form,
air becoming scarce.
She clawed for another breath,
blending within my figure.

Wind from exhausted lungs hails;
without aim, without control,
passionately.
Body writhing in contraction;
sporadically,
without care, without soul.
Transcending passion;
spread yet collected in one moment
of pure indivisibility.

Collapsing together yet moving apart,
lovers without care or passion.
Indivisibility vanquished by ulterior motives:
selfishness with the utmost concern for each other.
Thinning, slowly into my nostrils,
like the aroma of coffee in the morning,
only far less bitter.

Author notes

Needs revision *badly*! This one is set to change indefinitely until I'm perfectly happy with it.

Well...?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • R S Adams Jr silver member
    November 17
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    Edit | Reply

    Great feeling

    I think it is a simile more than a metaphor, but that is technical jargon...the main thing to is the capture of emotion and I can feel it. Maybe I am incorrect.

    I wonder about coffee having a 'passionate contraction' though. This is the stanza where you lose a bit of the 'metaphor,' although the substance is vivid and well worth having. Perhaps this is why you are uncomfortable with it.

    I can see the ulteroir motives if you are speaking of lust and that is a selfish need, but I cannot see the 'invisibilty,' unless you mean a hidden lust and not a real loving share. Interesting and food for thought.

    Is 'bangs' a modern term? I do not know it.

    Love the last line.

    Great stuff, mate.

    • coolstorybro
      November 17
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Haha, you're actually right about the simile thing because I used 'like.' Getting even more technical, it's not coffee but the aroma of it, LOL. All joking aside, you're right, it was not a metaphor but just a simile I repeated in the poem.

      I meant indivisibility in the 3rd stanza as kind of a reference to the climax of sex and how even though emotionally and maybe even mentally the two are distant, physically they are incredibly close. In the 4th stanza, you are correct... ulterior motives like a craving for sex and physical pleasure over actual caring and love.

      Bangs is a modern term and maybe even an American term, I can't be entirely sure. It refers to the strands of hair that come over the forehead and (if the hair is long enough and worn as such) over the face. However, I'm not so sure it fits now that you mention it.

      Thanks for the review.


  • ViciousIntegrity
    November 16
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    Actually...

    I really liked it. The metaphor to coffee was an amazing one and it gave me a new way to think about such a topic. As far as the structure goes, I think stanzas are a bit choppy at times, especially through stanza two. But overall it was extremely well written. Let's start here. Why arn't you happy with it?

    • coolstorybro
      November 17
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      There's two main reasons I'm not that happy with it... 1). the metaphor could have been deepened and 2). the stanzas are pretty choppy even though this is not supposed to rhyme. Maybe one day I'll go back and revise it when I'm in the mood. Thanks for your comment though.