Survey

What is your name?
Stuart Edwin Fischer

What is your age?
20

What do you do for a living?
I sell vacuums.

Why do you do what you do?
It's fun and I get paid for it.

Do you like your occupation?
It's alright. Work sucks but it could be worse.

Do you like to reveal the things about you that make you human?
I'm not opposed to it.

What makes you human?
DNA.

Where do you wish you were right now?
Heaven.

Are you happy?
I guess so.

Why?
Nothing bad is happening to me, and I do have some good things going, like friends and pizza.

Do you think much?
All the time.

Do you look away when people catch you looking at them?
Depends on who they are and why I was looking at them. Most of the time I look away.

Do you have any fears?
Spiders, people being close to me (emotionally, not physically)

What makes you have these fears?
I had a weird dream about spiders when I was little; it's been downhill ever since. People who are close to you are more capable of hurting you, and more likely to do it. I also have a problem with people knowing me really well. It's kind of strange, and probably a little messed up, but I think of being well-known to someone as a tactical disadvantage.

What is your worst memory?
In spite of all the terrifying things I've had to deal with, I'd say pretty much everything that happened that involved my ex combines to make my worst memory. It was the standard cheat, lie, break up situation, only she managed to drag it out over the course of a year and a half. She refused to accept blame, or apologize for anything, while at the same time admitting everything she did. It was infuriating, among other things.

Is there pain inside you?
Yes.

Are you insecure?
A little. I worry that I'm not in particularly good shape, and I worry about how other people see me as a person, but I'm not worried enough to do anything about either of those things so I'll just deal with it haha.

Who do you hate or who have you hated?
My ex.

Why?
I thought she deserved it at the time, but I don't really do the whole 'hate' thing anymore.

Are you forgiving?
Probably to a fault, but it's intentional so I'm good with it.

When was a time when you felt unforgiven?
Never. I've never really done anything that I needed to be forgiven for. At least, not that anyone ever knew about.

When was a time you regretted something?
I knew ahead of time that I shouldn't have dated that girl, but I did it anyway. I also procrastinate a lot and tend to regret it upon turning in my assignments.

What is it about yourself that caused you to do something you regret?
I was bored. I was lonely. I was curious. I wanted the experience. I'm afraid of work.

What is a general description of your personality that makes you different?
I don't know. I suppose I have a tendency to see connections between things that others don't, though they're probably just in my head. Then again, where else would they be...

Do you ever lie awake at night?
Yes.

Why can't you sleep?
Sometimes I'm not tired. Sometimes I'm just thinking. Sometimes I'm worrying. Sometimes I'm just terrified because weird shit happens to me, particularly at night.

Is there anything you don't want me to know?
Yeah, most of it is somewhere above or below this line.

Are there any secrets that you are afraid to reveal?
Yes.

What are they?
I really am afraid of work. I'm very concerned about what other people think of me (in the sense that I constantly wonder what they think, I don't presume to know). I'm afraid I'll end up alone because I don't see how someone like me could manage to stay in the company of others for any extended period. I'm afraid of being committed to someone because I don't see how I could handle it. I'm also a little paranoid and the slightest mishap makes me think my friends secretly don't like me.

Why are you afraid to reveal them?
Maybe I'm embarrassed. Maybe I'm afraid someone will confirm my fears.

What is your most hidden secret?
I never tell people what I really think, or how I really feel. Basically I keep what goes on inside my head entirely to myself at all times. It isn't really a thing I can just reveal, or else I'd put it here. Even if I found the words, I have doubts about whether or not I'd be able to speak them.

What do you do that you are particularly not proud of?
Procrastination again, and I usually do not put forth my best effort. I avoid things that are worth doing just because I'm lazy and don't feel like getting up.

What do you do that you hate, but feel you can improve on?
I could stop procrastinating and get stuff done if I really wanted to. I just don't think I want to.

Who is the last person you want to see right now?
Carson Palmer.

Do you wonder what people are thinking?
All the time.

Do you wish to have a different life?
No. It could be worse. Or it could be just as good but different, which isn't a reason to change. So if my life were different, there's a 67% chance it would be different in a neutral or negative way. Not worth it, considering my life is acceptable to me as is.

Do you want to fall in love?
No. Love is bullshit, and it makes you do stupid shit you know you shouldn't do, and nine times out of ten you end up screwing yourself in more ways than one. No amount of serotonin is worth all that crap. That's why weed grows up out of the ground.

Do you believe you can give yourself completely to another?
I can. I won't.

Why is it hard to trust other people?
Because I know they'll let me down eventually. Knowing that ahead of time, it isn't worth it to invest myself in someone else and willingly let them hurt me.

What is a time when you trusted someone who failed you?
My ex. Trusted her to be trustworthy basically. She failed miserably. And if you're tired of her being the answer to your questions, imagine how I feel haha.

Is there anyone you love?
Of course, friends and family, and everyone else. Universal compassion is the name of the game. That love is not just some survival-oriented chemical reaction though, it's not a delusion, it's not an illusion. It's just a genuine, rational sentiment. I wish everyone was happy, because then I would be too. And so would they. You get the idea.

Is there anyone you trust?
No. There are people I trust more than others. I'd tell my parents about a problem, and I can depend on friends and family to not ruin my life for the most part. But no one gets inside my head, no one gets trusted with the me that they can't see.

What makes you truly happy?
Not having work to do. Pizza Hut. Swimming. Hanging out with friends or family...or both. Sparkling cider. Ecto-cooler was nice while it lasted. Oh, and the popcorn that came in different colors (pop-secret was the brand I think).

Why do you run from happiness?
I don't. I hate running.

What do you think of this survey?
It's interesting.

Do you think this survey was the least bit exposing?
Yes.