I Fear The Un-Asked-For Future

You ask me what I fear? There is not enough time to tell you all, but I will try to tell you my worst fear of all...

The Future
I didn't want this present day to be loveless and empty like it is, without the love that I once knew. I don't like who I am because I lost it. Not having him today means I probably won't have him in the future and I'm afraid of that feeling.
We loved so well for the short time we had before I let other things influence me, I never cheated if that's what you're thinking. I love him, I could never cheat. Even now I hold myself in purity for the sake of that love. But I let others talk me into a stage of guilt that led me to leave him.I don't know if I can explain it, for it will seem silly and stupid to most. I will try to do that without boring you all to tears.

I was raised in a very religious home. Our brlief was you only could marry once and that was for life. Divorce was an abomination to the Lord and would surely descend your soul to hell. I divorced. I met the man I had always dreamed of and we married. Bliss! Thats the only word to describe it. I knew the kind of love my parents had known and I was ecstatic. I wasn't a teenager, I was 48 years old. I knew what I had been missing all those years and why I had always felt empty, except for the love of my children. I love him with each molecule that makes up my being.

I didn't want to leave him, but my brother convinced me that I was living in sin and could never rejoin my parents and other brother that had all gone on to be with God. THAT scared me. I finally became so over-wrought that I left and returned to my first husband. They had me brainwashed into believing that was the only way I would ever see Heaven.

Now, after almost four years, he has remarried and is no longer open to me. He thinks very little of me he says. I don't believe that, I know he loves me but is protecting himself from being hurt by me again. I am married to a good man, but I don't love him. He is the father of my children and the only one that I can be wed to if I want to see my loved ones again. Or so I'm told on a regular basis.

But living a lie is a sin, isn't it? A loveless marriage is hell on Earth and also lying will send one to hell. Every time he tells me "I love you" I lie when I say "I love you, too."
Isn't that a sin? I feel cheap when I say it. We don't have an intimate relationship, for I can't bear his hands on me when I have memories of what true love making is really like.

I fear never seeing my soul mate again.The future is bleak because he isn't in it. I fearnever being able to tell him one more time how much I love him. I fear the future because it will not hold an US. I fear dying and going to hell anyway, for living a lie every day of my life. I fear never seeing his beautiful blue eyes fill with tears of emotion when he vowed his love for me like on our wedding day.

I fear the unasked for future of days, weeks, months and years without him. I fear I can't go on. I have thought of ending my life and facing the consequences now instead of putting off the inevitable. I fear being alone. For though I'm in this position, I love him more than even I knew until it was too late.


So, this may not seem like a real fear to you as you read it, to me it is the greatest fear I've ever known. I don't like flying, I don't like strange dogs, I don't like being in the water...there are a lot of things I fear to a small degree, but none like this one. I fear never again feeling like I did when I sat beside him and felt his arm around me as we watched TV. I fear never loving again.