you may watch in silence in the violence of the city
deep inside that bleak abyss, one fatal kiss of pity
may leave you clasping; psyche open wide
fingernails grasping; enjoy the final ride
knowingly gasping; shivering inside
that screaming in the dreaming, far into eternity
buried inside nightmare, taking the dare and running free
shivering inside; fingernails rasping
enjoy the final ride; knowingly grasping
psyche open wide; may leave you gasping
no shining knife to steal your life, in satisfying nought
no hidden deal shall yet reveal, the certainty you sought
knowingly grasping; psyche open wide
may leave you gasping; shivering inside
fingernails clasping; enjoy the final ride
in rejection of reflection, so wanting what is true
now seeing as its done, the other one was always you
enjoy the final ride; may leave you gasping
psyche open wide; knowingly clasping
shivering inside; fingernails grasping
misunderstanding all, denials fall on empty ears
so lost that game, accepting blame, in cauterising fears
fingernails rasping; shivering inside
knowingly grasping; psyche open wide
leaving you gasping; enjoy your final ride
alone you watch in silence, the violence of the city
within that bleak abyss, you'll need the kiss of pity
.
Author notes
Longte Song was Creature by Atreyu
Sometimes what we find is not what we looked for
A contest entry
- Change my perspective- choose a number. ENTER IF YOU DARE by Catacomb.
770 points, ended December 3, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Critical feedback definitely wanted
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like how you repeated phrases in different orders, providing repetition with variation (structurally) and different shapes of meaning through the different combinations. I found the resulting read intriguing.
I am not up to providing critical feedback in any kind of detail right now. I can say, however, that the piece flowed well for me, has a consistent tone, and feels cohesive.
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It would serve well as a song, especially with the repetition and the rhyme with a mirrored quality. It has a desperate tone. I like the two opening lines especially and how you've repeated them at the end.
I cant help but hear Eddie Vedder singing this. Very good!
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The internal rhyme and repetition work very well in this type of poem. I think the only thing that might improve it is a consistency in the syllable length and meter of the first two lines of each stanza. The first stanza grabs the reader with it 14 beat rhythm. The placement of the internal rhyme was perfect too. I would like to see that carried out throughout the poem. Perhaps the second stanza could be tweaked as:
our ears hear screaming in the dreaming, throbbing endlessly
though buried in a nightmare, take the dare and wander free
Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz
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Thankyou
Yes I can see what you mean
Will be at airports and planes for a while so may be able to tweak it so that it rolls off the tongue a bit better
Thankyou for your valuable input
peter
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1. Creature
Go
Run away
In Distress
Try To Hide
From What's Creeping And Crawling And Stabbing Within
Try To Deny
The Turmoil Inside
If You Fight Yourself Hard Enough You'll Never Win
Any Ounce Of Serenity
Or A Calm Hope At Best
(Or A Calm Hope At Best)
Can leave you heaving on the floor
Gasping for breath (Are You Gasping For Breath?)
To Be Left On The Floor Gasping For Breath!
[Chorus:]
You're either the person you are
Or The Person Your Trying, Trying, Trying, Trying To Be
Don't let the outside sway too far
From where you want to be
And at any cruel moments Of This
You Can ruin The Best
Where's Your Body is Brutally Pressed
Against The Confines Of Your tense Flesh
And If You Close Your Eyes Tight Enough
Then None Of The Bad Can Get In [x2]
And If You Close Your Eyes Tight Enough
Then None Of The Light Can Get In (Then None Of The Light Can Get In)
Boom
You scream as the light hits you
It radiates though out your whole soul
Boom
The pain is clarity
It cleanses, and if it still fucking hurts than you still fucking know
That You Are Still Alive
That You Are Still In Control
If you would only take hold
Boom
The day with both hands
A death grip
And a good chance to outlive your past
You are living free
Where You Will Be Free [x2]
[Chorus x2]
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