Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Zach

Zach
laughing
eyes wrinkle
including all
sigh
~*~
calm
nothing
can bother
me anymore
hope?
~*~
joy
fills me
excluding
all fear, when eyes
meet


Author notes

dedicated to a friend

what do you think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Kastor
    November 9

    Edit | Reply
    This is just fine the way it is. If someone sent me something this well thought and thought out, I'd probably cry like a happy little girl.

    Somewhere you found the awesome in you, and it's nice you let it out.


  • Arkbear gold member
    November 8

    Edit | Reply

    Lovely little Lanturne String.....I suggest you place Form Instructions into your AN's, as it may help others know what they are looking at

     

    Perfect Syll Count....nice job there

     

    Your Aesthetics are almost perfect.....except 3rd Lanturne could use 3rd L ( L = line ) editing.........correct choice of words in Form Poetry is the challenge, as you need to keep Aesthetics aligned at all costs -

     

    You may not know me, but I am a stickler for Aesthetics.....especially when it is Art, as well as message -

     

    Thank you for trying something new!

     

    God bless,

     

    Bear -

    • black-phenoqu
      November 9
      Edit | Reply

      what part exactly needs revision?

      i want it perfect before i give it to him


      • Arkbear gold member
        November 9
        Edit | Reply
        4th L....1st Lanturne

        3rd & 4th L's....3rd lanturne

        Aesthetics & Presentation are key when wriitng in Formed Poetry -

        The Lanturne String should resemble a Chineese Lanturne Swirling...



        Bear -

1 - 5 of 5