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red drops in the snow

 



             it

             broke into seven
        and a half pieces
  still warm with colour

colour similar to an empty
glass of merlot

but she knew
if she left
                it
to suffer the sympathies
of people in love

it would grow cold


like the first week in
december

                     and                       

 

 

          she couldn’t bear that

 

 

 

 (or the red drops in the snow)

Author notes

"burning prelude of winter"

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • perfectsunset gold member
    November 16
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Wow; so heavily metaphorical
    and filled with mystique.
    I love the soft inflection
    throughout, and the
    strong conclusion.

    Truly amazing.
    I am very impressed.

    Thanks for entering & best of luck


  • Princess Luna
    November 15
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    Exquisite!

    Purely exquisite! Captivates the reader from beginning to end effortlessly! At first I was a bit skeptic about the quality of the piece by the strength of the title compared to the size of the poem, but I was completely mistaken. This is a wonderful write!


  • sassykitty
    November 15
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    I really do like the opening of this! The only criticism (and it's a slight one) is that I don't think you actually need that final line 'or the red drops in the snow' as I think it works/flows better leaving the whoe thing open ended for the reader to decide for him/herself. Mind you that's probably as I'm a bit abstract myself and like to make my reader do some work. I always know what I mean but people can interpret it anyway they like. Effective imagery contained here, wine drinkers really get it! Also like the use of enjambement and lack of punctuation to communicate the somewhat disjointed thought processes as they are totally appropriate to both theme and structure. Excellent write, thanks for sharing and good luck with all your writings :


  • Justice Morton
    November 15
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    Well Done

    Living in the Northeast I know winter. I also know the power that this season can convey onto people. This was a great write, your imagery well enjoyed. Thank you for writing.

    Justice

  • Topnotchsy
    November 15
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    With a poem recently I tried to utilize the spacing to help convey the idea, but I failed miserably. Somehow every indentation and skipped line in your poems seems to add something.


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    November 12
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    This is lovely. I like the typography and the way you have structured this piece. My only critiques are that you have a double usage of colour and that you have used "bare" where I think you may have intended "bear".

    Otherwise, nicely done! Good luck in the contest.

    - Bean Sidhe


    • silverscent gold member
      November 12
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. "Bare" was meant to be a play on words...but I've changed it because clearly it doesn't work. The double "colour" is intentional repetition though, so I'll leave that if it's all the same. Thanks for taking the time to think of critiques. Few do anymore.

  • perfectsunset gold member
    November 8
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    for you m' dear, we have.....


    *reaches into bag*


    .......


    ~burning prelude of winter~

    hope you like!
    let me know, if you want
    a different one I will give you one

1 - 8 of 8