pessimist

I spend my days wondering if I’m a pessimist or a realist
Mentally I’m numb but when I press play I feel it
I get high off this music, but not high enough change moods
And this song isn’t over, two more to sit through
I could drown inside every tear that you cry,
When we talk about ups and downs, I get high,
When passions decline solace in melancholy’s all I find
You cast a cracked word on the casket of mine
Casper and the skeletons congregate in my mind
Your last word facts have eyes for captions and rhyme
I’m trying to find the culprit for these emotions
Mixing all these notions,  fitting them onto one page
Paper is my canvas, I paint whatever I want on its face
So how come I always choose the darkest colors?
Is it because I really am actually depressed
Or is that just the emotion I paint in words the best?