As sun burns into skin, you
stream past screens
of tightknit cells and
distrust. You blue through
silence, stealing gracefully
around my sound arguments,
and all the words
I shored up between us.
The denial flooding my veins
subsides before your onslaught.
Tread gently, conqueror. And
know this: that I dissolve,
that I fall in soul-tremors,
disrupted and unsure,
as dust churning, broken by light:
your spoken siege
splinters me.
Author notes
Trying to express in new and unique ways, the feeling of someone, unstoppable, breaking into your life and into your heart.
This sounds rushed to me; some of the line breaks could use work. Critical comments especially welcome!
What would you change?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hood-Wink!
Emotionally and visually stunning;
I love the structure of this as it flows easily
down the page engaging me within my mind
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HOODWINKED!
What an emotional poem, and I think the way you have used line breaks have been done very well. It is fun to experiment in new ways, I enjoyed your poem very much.
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Hoodwinked
Sorry for being late... Its been a pleasure going through this read of yours. I love the way you brought out the apprehensions one feel upon embarking on a new relationship. It can indeed be a tricky situation letting someone seep into your heart and being for the fear of losing and getting hurt always lurks deep.
"The denial flooding my veins
subsides before your onslaught." These are my favourite lines. I love the way you end it too. Glad to have read this.
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Hood Wink
Nice poem again with lots of imagery and nice flow, good metaphors too. It's very pretty and I enjoyed reading it. Very romantic. Good luck with all your writing. Keep on doing so. I especially liked this part:
In sailing surface dance, we prey
on gazes, chasing optic wake,
and trailing, shear off, shy.
Great job. Have a nice day and congrats on being Hood Winked by the Bandits.
Sam I Am
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You have been HOOD WINKED by The Poetic Bandits. This is your day in the spotlight - enjoy. Like the images these words bring to mind - irresistible indeed. Emotions feelt when reading this - lovely ending to the poem. You took the prompt and ran with it.
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Hoodwinked
Much use of the metaphor in the clever imagery of this poem leaves it open
to many interpretations however it is well written and thought provoking
and would benefit from an explanatory footnote. Good Luck and Best Wishes ......Keep Writing......George....
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Great work putting this together here!
I love where you went with the prompt.
Thanks for entering and good luck to you!
Jeremy0826 -
Loved it! The upheavel of respondsiblity at the climax is endearing. Write on!
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