You're looking at me saying what's it going be
My heart and mind are divided
I'm undecided.
In my head, it's telling me to say no
I can't agree it's killing me
But in my heart it's a definite yes, this really is for the best
except it isn't.
I go with my head, even though it hurts
I see the pain flash through your eyes
We say our goodbyes.
I feel a moment of regret
How could you let him slip through your fingers when you could have held on?
And the road will be long
People will say I did this wrong, even I will
But then I have faith knowing I'm safe from temptation
And that makes me smile
But for a while I'll cringe with a tinge of sadness
when I think upon that day when love didn't get its way
and I had to look at you and say:
I gotta say no, Sorry for leading you on,
I was wrong when I went along,
thinking we could be something more,
I didn't remember what we were fighting for,
even more who we were fighting against
And I gotta say no,
I thought about it hard,
you must think I'm such a retard,
telling you that I liked you when you asked,
now I'm just saying I'll take it back.
It doesn't make sense but I gotta obey,
just know my feelings won't change,
but I'm out of range.. for you.
A contest entry
- Jury of Your Peers ~~ #34 by islekine.
700 points, ended November 17, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want depressing love poetry! by xxvampyregirlxx.
1000 points, ends December 12, 151 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - help me feel ANYTHING !!! by H.f.s.
525 points, ends December 19, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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<3
Lovely babe, i wouldn't change it
Love the structure, and the raw flow of thoughts, and the rhythm that makes it smooth.. very emotive .. last line was my fave, powerful ending
mwa xx
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Hey
This is alsome and marvelous write.. I loved it It reminds me of a song.. Beautiful song it reminds of. Great well writes and well written.
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hmmm..this poem? it reminds me of something
love it...
well written...the emotions within is so powerful and captivating
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Superlative! When Poem means Poem. -The Manatee
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Hmm?
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Wow, a very good poem. Yes it is hard to say "No" when tempted, so very hard, but for one's own sakes it must be so when tempted. Temptation comes in vrring degrees and strikes us in our weakest spot and when we are the weakest. When the temptation is in your hands, near enough to feel the breath, wanting so, it is so very hard to say "No". :-)
Thank you for sharing.
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Ah the slings and arrows of young awkaward love. You should look at it as training for a sucessful relationship. How do you get to carnigee hall? Pratice Pratice Pratice.
Good luck in the contest.
Bill
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This is beautiful! The rhythm and rhyme are inconsistent in a way that I see it as song lyrics that could be easily turned into an actual song. You should definitely expand on this--it has a lot of potential. I LOVE the last line. "I'm out of range.. for you." That is really quite powerful. I know the feeling as well - I think many people do. There are some people who just cannot have you no matter how hard they try, either because they've screwed up in the past or they're just not worth your time in the first place.
However, line 27 - the use of the word "retard" throws off the feeling of the poem a bit. I'm not condemning you for using it (because I use it too), but I don't think it quite fits here. Is there another less casual word you could use that would still fit with the rhyme scheme?
I really like the lines -
"I gotta say no, Sorry for leading you on,
I was wrong when I went along,
thinking we could be something more,
I didn't remember what we were fighting for"
Those are very powerful words that I think a lot of people can empathize with.
Great job overall!
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I have felt this before on a couple of occasions. You have captured the emotions and feelings perfectly! This is so good. The words flow so nicely and the rhythm works well. Can't believe you are only 14 and you are writing such great words that people older than you can relate to. Your words are strong and inspiring and I hope you do well in the contests- you deserve to! God Bless!
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I agree with the other comments. The rythm is great. The words flow together. It words the stuggle of heart and mind well. It made me remember that struggle at a young age and the struggles I have now. They seem to never end. Being strong enough so walk away from temptation is amazing. The words here are empowering. I wish it were the views of more teens. There would be much less heartbreak. Great penning.
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Hello Jenny
My goodness, I've just read your profile after you dropped by to say hello!
I didn't realise you were only 14!
That makes this poem all the more special, with great rhythm lyrics.
I see you like Flight of the Conchords. You'd make a great third conchord if they ever needed one
Good luck, and thank you for saying hi.
I will drop by your way more often
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rythmic
good write jenny!love the flow of it! I have problems saying no.
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This reflects well the heartbreak of young love!
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This has some deep emotions and the war we all hold inside of us against temptation. It is only natural to want to say yes, but in our mind we know better. It does become easier the more you do what you know you should. It makes one stronger. I think many teens today just say yes and regret it later. And even if you say yes once, doesn't mean you have to say yes again. I like how you have written about the struggles within.
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Love this write hon its just flowing in my head like a old musical box playing in my mind well done
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Sadness painted poignantly.
A very touching piece, makes the reader relate to the storyline. My most favored lines are -
'It doesn't make sense but I gotta obey,
just know my feelings won't change,
but I'm out of range.. for you.'
Bravo and all the best in whatever you do.
and God Bless
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This is really sad needing to say no to someone that you love but is not good for you. It can make you hold on even when things go very wrong. I like the flow of this good luck in the contest SH
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I agree with islekine
I think you'd make a great songwriter.
Great stuff, good luck in the competition!
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I like this, it reminds me of an ani difranco song I like. It is also very relateable at the moment... feeling very torn about a lot of very huge things... great write and good luck!
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Very well written, showing how that the heart and head can battle for the afection of another and that we sometimes must not listen to the heart. Nice poetic form.
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Great beat!
this would make great lyrics...
I enjoy your talent...it is great!
Thanks for sharing!
Best wishes in the contest and always!
Write on and on...
and
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This is really amazing. You're so talented.
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