Ramblings.

I don't want to change who I am
Not that I'm being made to do so
I just don't want to become something I'm not
Just because something new happened
Something different
That's not who I am
That's not something I'd do

I am confused
I am split in two
I don't know how I feel
I want to scream and pull my hair
I wish that would fix it
I wish it would make me feel better
But I know it wouldn't
It would only hurt

I'd probably scream until I cry
And crying wouldn't help me either
I'd just be left with messy makeup

I feel hate
Probably unnecessary hate
And only hate because I'm frustrated
But that's not how I really feel
I don't hate him
The feeling isn't really hate, I just feel angry

I'm not going to
Nor have I cried because of him
I'm just angry that I am confused
Not because of something he did
It's something that he's not doing
It's too early for me to have expectations
So I feel stupid
So stupid and silly for being annoyed at him

I want to punch my keyboard
Wishing that if I did so how I feel will just appear into words
Perfect words
Written out the way I want it to be explained

I told him, I'd write him a poem
So this is it
This is how I feel about him
Confused and wordless
Messy
Jumbled
And rambling
Frustrated
Angry
Angry
Angry
At him for nothing
I'm angry at myself
For being angry
At him for nothing

I woke up hungover with thoughts from everything
And I chose this topic to think most about
To discuss with a friend who only made it worse
I want to crawl into a hole
and just ignore everything until I'm ready to crawl back out
I still want to scream
Scream and pull my hair until I cry
I know it wont help but thinking about the action makes it so appealing

I'm so angry
And I don't know why
So I want to blame him
Make him the cause
I guess so I can fuck everything up
Maybe because I don't think I deserve him
Or maybe these thoughts are valid
And I'm right but I'm angry because I'm right

I keep writing these words
Typing them up
And after every line whispering "fuck" because they're so truthful
Because I can't help the tears
And the faces I'm making to try and keep them from falling
And the smile I have to put on when someones comes to speak to me
I have to play pretend
Like everything's normal
But its not
Inside I'm screaming
So loud it hurts
Which is why I'm crying
I want my thoughts to shut up
For my mind to stop whispering ideas
For my heart to stop

I want to stop thinking
Just for a second
I keep forgetting to breathe
Because I'm concentrating on just trying to do one thing
Write
Write what I'm feeling so I'll at least feel a little bit better
My mind is telling me to end it
While my heart is calling me a coward
My fingers are telling me to write and they are
My eyes are speaking to me

I'm trying to block out sound
Or listen harder
Just so I can have something else to think about
Instead of him, he did nothing wrong

He told me to write him a poem
I can't show him
Though it's about him
I think I just needed someone to blame