by Gregg Rowe
It's a start to one of those days
A restless evening of night sweats
That makes it look like I pissed my bed
Soaked in a shower of sweat instead of warm phosphate water
Cascading cold beads force me to shiver with a chill
The home care night nurse has come in and changed the bedding
I avert my eyes and look at the wall
As she changes my pyjamas
Nauseous from the daily meds
Headaches from the sunlight reflecting off my egg shell walls
Or from the AZT shoved down my throat
Gagging on the after taste like
Coffee bitter sperm cells sliding down my throat
I have been lying awake with the impossibility of meeting the sandman
For over two hours now, feel the pain
In the calves of my legs, sharp razor jabs that cause spasms
The heating pad warms the muscles in my back
I feel the pain crawl towards my neck
Slides up like a snake preparing to attack
Prepare my body for an onslaught of electric jolts
That will be sent throughout my temple
I am tired of lying down, mentally prepare myself
To heave this tired body up for the day
The motions of living, the falsity of smiles
On my night table the daily meds have been counted out
They are just not my colour
I look at them with distaste and admiration
These little various size capsules
Of different colours that save my life
Yet prolong my death
Except for the daily muscle pains and excruciating headaches
I am pretty autonomous, I function and am able
To attend university classes and still have a social life
A home care night nurse was hired so that I may feel safe
She is departing for the day, to get some rest
Will return this evening, "Will I be alright?"
"Sure," I say, "I’m going into town for lunch"
And with a silent click of the door she is off for the day
It takes me forever to be mobilized
My home care night nurse does not give massages
I draw a warm bath, put on Leonard Cohen
And place my body in the depths of city water, my re baptism
My time is spent these days of just getting
From one moment to the next
Without feeling the pain of my temple
I scream in silence for if I shouted out loud
I would be committed to the Douglas Hospital
I take my time, I want to look good
It has been a few weeks since I have been to town
My last trip was a disaster
Someone had told me they thought I had died
Because I had not been seen for awhile
I like to take my time
Transformation of my body is a transformation of my soul
I check my skin for purple spots, the size of loonie coins
A sure sign of Kaposi's sarcoma
Track my breathing in my lungs, signs of PCP
Another clear day with those symptoms
I still can’t believe it has been almost twenty years
And wonder how many more I have left
My preparation in getting ready
Is a ritual of placing a mask on before a socialite event
I apply the creams and lotions
That will hide the dry skin from the drugs
The rashes from the side effects
And the wrinkles that I have now from ageism
And lastly I apply the fixated smile
He meets me at the restaurant we have chose
"Gawd you look so good!"
I look at him as if he just landed from Venus
His face changes to a puzzled look
"Gawd I look good!!" I repeat to him
And where were you all these years
As I laid in bed in wrenching pain
You see me now as I stand before you at two in the afternoon
After hours of dragging around to get ready for lunch
"Gawd I look good!!"
Enough for you to be seen in public with
But where have you been
When I needed someone to cuddle at night
So that I could awake once in awhile
Just knowing that I haven’t been forgotten
If only you knew of the pains
I went through so that I could look good
Enough for you to have lunch with
Then leave and when will I receive
Another phone call from you
"When Gawd I look good!" is convenient for you.
Author notes
Written October 4th, 2003
In a list
- HIV and AIDS • next in list
- Pathetic Love Poems • next in list
- Gregg's Golden Cups • next in list
- Gregg's Silver Cups • next in list
- The Honorables • next in list
A contest entry
- Pride over ethics by TimeLady42.
321 points, ended February 3, 2006, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 66 of 66
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poem
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nice poe
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That was a very touching poem that you've got there.
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Reenie: My dream goal right now is to get better so that I can have over 10,000 comments under my name like you do. That is the only thing I miss, is the reading...but everyday i am up and being creative in some way; most of it is spewing out demonic dreams and pent up frustration so that i can live autonomously and in peace. It has been a rough road and now the doctors have finally given me an end date for some of my meds , then we wait the six months after---another 39 weeks to go and then no more interferon and then six months later we will find out if all this was worth the experinece or not. What am I saying...any experience in life is an experience and as one poet said here awhile back...(paraphrased) if you are living and feel no pain, you're just a walking corpse!
Gregg
Edited on Jan 30, 3:26 p.m. because ''. -
Oh Gregg , this is too real
. Yet you need to say it , you need to describe it...a day in your life , living with this dreadful disease , and the pain from it , and the pain from the friend of convenience I really do not know what to say , for there is nothing that will make it easier for you. I won't even tell you to keep fighting (for you alone know how much fight you have left in you). I just want you to know that every word you wrote has touched me...it has educated me more, and I respect you for being so up front and honest...and I wish you whatever it is that you wish for yourself...
xoxoxoxo
reenie
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: )
Sad but I love it! -
emotion and truth-you met the standers-every poem in here is good!!!! good luck.
-theartzgrk~*~
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Thank you Freda, for both your comments on this poem, my apologies to have overshadowed you in this one yet I am glad that you tookthe time to read this difficult penned poem. Gregg
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hey, Gregg I told you this was a winner...congratulations.....Lf freda
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wow.
First time I read this, the title really threw me. This is the third time I've read this, but the first time (I think) that I've commented on this, only because I don't think I've really been able to express myself as to how wonderful this poem really is.
I like the image of the rebaptism in the bathtub, like you're cleansing yourself of "sins." I'm also quite fond, as some of the other readers have said before, of that last line. The poem is sad throughout, yes, yet filled with a great deal of triumph, and both aspects are met together in that last line. There is tragedy there, sorrow because this man is going to abandon you again, waiting for that time when seeing you is "right," but also great victory as realization is there. He didn't cast you away, but you showed a growth, a coming of wisdom that you ~do~ look good, but some people will still only appreciate it for that moment.
I don't know...I can't express it quite that well...but I'll tell you this.
Shastadaisey is right. -
this is perfection penned for all to read a sure winner, if possible, it is better than your trip with Judy....
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this is a good write and i really did enjoy raeding this piece, but i dont know why but i feel a bit confused. who is the man in the picture? anyway this is a great write and i wish you all the best for your future writes
Gawd You Look Good
the man in the pic is myself
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..... speechless is the only thing i can think of . i read so much poetry on suicide and self death that i felt numb but reading this breakes me . none of us will ever understand your life or the way you feel we couldnt .but i feel this emotion build up of why ? why does this happen . how many of us will it take saying why me before they find a cure ? your depths go way further than the average mortal and through your words you will in time become imortal . thankyou for opening my eyes to your life and this struggle i just there are people there for you to the end because in the end thats all that matters..
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This is a very touching and emotional piece, and what makes it even more touching is that it is straight from you and your experiences. Though it is long, I think every line in it was necessary for they all added to the full extent of emotion in the piece. The first part made me think of the time I had to spend in the hospital last fall for a few days and after the 4th and 5th day I thought I was just about to go insane, I couldn't sleep anymore at all those last days, but to endure that and so much more, something so much worse for as long as you have is beyond what my words can describe; you have so much will and determination, and it shows through brilliantly in this poem. You are truly talented, and this piece alone can show that. Also, congratulations on the contest, this was quite deserving of it, if not more.
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This is so touching, so emotional. I really want to cry. You wrote this beautifully, and I can really see this is from the heart. Not just from the heart actually, but crying from your soul. I am sure I could not completely feel your pain, but you definitely brought me close to it. Excellent piece!
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Once again, you have deeply touched me, so much so that I don't know how to even begin to comment on this poem... wow. You mentioned a mask, I am so glad that you are protecting yourself, your body but I dearly hope that it's not for other people's sake for surely they aren't still that ignorant? You amaze me, you really do. ~Melissa
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Amazing write
This was one amazing write, so much truth, so much life yet so much suffering. I'm so afraid for your just reading this poem. It's amazing that you've lived for over twenty-years with this illness. I hope the best for you. Avril
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The honest, real wording here, the progession of your day, is heart wrenching. Beautifully written, it is poignant, yet makes one stop and think. Human nature, real human nature to shy away sometimes, when we don't know what to say, how to help. When we are afraid, perhaps, that life is all too real, when we are powerless to stop time. Amazing, Gregg..and I realize the depth and the rejuvenating and reassuring power of a hug..a cuddle thru a long sleepless night can be. Thank you for sharing this.
Maddie
Edited on May 20 because ''. -
Thank you, for being you, the you that can share words that bring tears of compassion. We have to be true to ourselves, but this world makes that almost impossible. I don't usually care for long writes...... but this one, I cared for. Wonderful write. Thank you.
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Wow...I'm...speechless. Amazing write. I love it. Thanks for sharing. Keep it up. I enjoyed reading this.
~Miranda
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Best line:
"When Gawd I look good!" is convenient for you.
This was from the heart, it was truthful and not fake in the least bit. It is nice to read something that isnt fake or from imagination.
It is scary to think of being like this. Good luck and great write! -
Hehehe, I guess that would be me!
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this is a good write and i really did enjoy raeding this piece, but i dont know why but i feel a bit confused. who is the man in the picture? anyway this is a great write and i wish you all the best for your future writes
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wow great poem. keep it up. EaRiNe!!!!
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I wish I could think of something to say... I'm in awe... Amazing.
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Greg, this is gut wrenching, not heart wrenching for I doubt you would allow false sympathy. It is real, vivid and painful and yet underlying it all there is wry humour, 'they're just not my colour' that makes the message even more poignant. I'm fast becoming a fan of your work.
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Richard: I have just read your message on my 'Gawd You Look Good' poem four times already. No, it's not the length or the ending a sentence with a preposition, it is the story of your brother. If I had something in me which I could do to help you find him, I would but 1985 is a long way back to start searching for someone. My heart goes out to you for this loss, for I know what losing a brother feels like, I lost mine in 1997 from the flesh-eating disease and did not get home in time to see him (that's another poem or short story from my novel 'Ropin With the Spirits), yet unlike you I have had closure. I am wondering if you have gone to Men's Health Crisis in New York City where they keep records, talk to someone there or even Long Island to see if he was seeking help with the community there. If you need closure like this I encourage you to investigate the HIV/AIDS community, your brother could not have just disappeared without someone helping him. I wish you luck and will think of other ways that could help you. Gregg
Edited on May 06, 8:01 p.m. because ''. -
I don't think I could convey to you what i felt when i read your poem, your vulnerabilty and honesty are breathtaking, you stand tall and you speak with a strength that not many people possess... I have complete admiration for you and although i don't know you at all, i feel by readin this poem I ahve had a glimpse at your soul. I do not think one word of this poem needs to be changed and feel quite insulted on your behalf that anyone has the cheek to say that it needs to be. Structure, flow, rhythm, what the hell, this write here is pure emotion, completley real and to me that si what poetry is about,
I applaud you for this work,
sending you love
lisa xxxx -
I guess i will have to pass on the style and form critique again, and learn from form the skill i find here. I have so much more understanding of the person behind the poet (or is it the pet behind the person? oh well) I see, through your words (or is it thru your words?) a part of life i wonder about. The struggles with the whole drug regimen and the toll those take. I appreciate the transparency of your writing…and the vulnerability. I went though 2 years of chemo after my surgeries for cancer. These took their toll and there was no guarantee that i would make it . In 1972, not many survived testicular tumors. So that part of the deterioration of body and how hard it plays on the body , i have a small grasp of. (yeah i know never end a sentence with a preposition.) Maybe i will write about it my cancer someday. But the other reason, the other part of the wondering i have is that my little brother, 4 years younger, was positive. I say was because i don’t know what happened to him. Whether it was embarrassment, shame or whatever, he and his roommate disappeared into the Long Beach underground. And i never saw him again. I did get word that his roommate passed away. But nothing about Alan. This was back in 1985 or so. So i don’t believe he is alive today. The stuff on TV, books i’ve read, long talks with the therapist, have never touched me the way your poem has. This poem of your own struggles has helped me with a pain i never thought i would be able to touch on a loss i never thought i could bear, richard
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What an awsome poem. I really love your work
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Transends Perfection
Wow, going through these reviews, and reading the poem, i feel i have a lot to say on this. I don't know the pain of having anything like this, nor do I know anyone who has gone through it. I hope i never have to experience going through it, but it seems you have to. This peice speaks of bravery that not many people have. You have a right to be angry, and you should use it! Reading this poem makes me feel bad about all the things i have gone through that i think depressing. My experiences compare nought to yours. It makes me feel ashamed that i should have squandered my emotions to such levels, and thought it terrible. This poem has made me think a lot. This write gives me the resolution to wake up each day, and be appreciative for what i have, not what i dont have, or feel that i should have. This is a truly inspiring peice, and i believe you have every right to get gold. This peice transends a gold medal though, it goes to the very heart of what you must go through. Thank you ever so much for sharing this with me, and all the other poets. It is a master peice. -Daniel -
... obviously, you are a brilliant writer (shakes head no...just write what is in my head before they take me to the Douglas
...brilliant. no just cautious)
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It takes me forever to be mobilized
My nurse does not give massages... delete "hom care" and "night" as you have already stated this and it is understood.
A somber prose. It flows nicely, and includes so many of the things that we, who aren't living the nighmare, and are not close to anybody who is, tend to forget about... the gauging trying to swallow all the meds, the pain, the fear... the lonliness...
I find it hard to be critical of such a piece, but... beginning in about the third stanza, it is more tell than show. Could you show the nauseousness without coming out and stating it? Same with the headache, etc... obviously, you are a brilliant writer, and I realize that maybe that is not what you were going for in this piece, but I do think that it may pull the reader in more deeply if you show them what you are feeling more vividly. -
Your writing sometimes makes me hurt. Like there's a locked door. Something cramped inside the heart placed there a long time ago.
There IS hope.
Great write...well proportioned and phrased in Form.
Thank you. Warmly, CookieZeal/D -
Excellent
I am proud to have read your work, may god have you in his glory! You are an amazing writer. You definetly deserve the gold here. -
This is truly the best I ever read on AP. You deserve the win hands down! I'm Speechless...
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The best poetry is always written from the heart...at least I find, once you go in there the images and words just flow it's these mechanical trances I enter before I start a write because as I have mentioned before, I collect them in my head until they are ready to be written down...imagine what my head felt like with that epic I wrote, swollen and confused ready in angst so I am glad that one was finally released now I have room in my filing cabinet for more creations (hahah what a ramble that was)
Edited on Apr 30, 1:39 p.m. because ''. -
your work is amazing beautiful breathtaking...i dont have enough adjitives to describe it. i am in awe of the beauty of your words. i am a begining poet and try my best to write from my heart....iyou are a true insperation
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Ouch! The battle of mind over matter is certainly not easy. This was a hard read. . .painful.
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Aussie standing ovation, bare arse and all. This has to be one of those reads that everyone should have to read. Even if they don't really want to they should nonetheless. There is a thread of compassion that runs through this writing as with all good writing that somehow redeems the reader and urges them to be a better person. A more understanding soul. This bit of writing is a gift for all those who want to understand but it is an even greater gift for those who haven't a clue what your world is and why. But above everything else is a plea for humanity beyond all prejudice and beyond every wall that has been built since this plague cursed and threatened all of us.
This is one of the most pwerful and moving pieces one can read and I just hope everyone does.
David
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Everyone in the world should read this piece
I must say I do not think I possess the words to do this piece justice. It is beyond the perfection of poetry or the standards of those that deem themselves worthy to judge, it is beyond comprehension of the shallow minded of the world and a treasure to those that can. This piece is of a brilliance that can only shine through someone that has lived it and though treaded through the hardships of life, their soul still screams "I am alive and you will treat me as such"! The emotions this piece brings through me I cannot begin to express, I do not know your pain from personal experience, only from that of being empathic to those around me that have lived through this disease and/or are still living it. I have lain many night next to friends, male and female alike that are dying from AIDS, seen them cry at the thought that someone would still touch them, let alone hold them or drink from the cup of which they sip. Your talent is beyond measure dear, as is your spirit. Thank you for sharing a part of you with the rest of the world. I'd like to say we are all worthy of your grace, but unfortunately in this world there are many that never will be and for them I pray that their ignorance truly brings them bliss, else the horror of the realization of themselves would torment them in ways they could never fathom. But, I've gotten off track here and do apologize for such a lengthy comment, but your piece speaks not only to my heart but my very soul sir. Namaste' with Blessings Always, Gypsy
Edited on Apr 27, 6:17 p.m. because ''. -
I do not have the ailments you have, and now have found myself ashamed of my own vanity. I have often felt this way just going out, not feeling quite like myself. Being resentful that others see perfection in me, or just whether they are being polite and think they are being gracious by saying this to me when my own suspicious mind is thinking" I know they want to ask the questions of what happened" but , are not honest enough or brave enough to ask. On occasions when I have felt horrible about myself thinking of the episodes that have drawn my friends and myself apart. If you do not understand this response feel free to IM me. .
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This is so sad, I just want to cry....From the wonderful yet horrible imagery to the gut wrenching pain and bitterness. I don't know what to say...you've left me speechless. But, now the cliché..Great write (because it truly is).
Jenn -
Life's ways are strange. Through pain, desolation and destruction it continues. Against all odds often, as if it wants to teach us something before we reach the end of the road. It sends us, idiots, wise people or people who just care. It wants to tell us something even if it remains silent. This was an account as impressive as it was gruelling. It will keep me busy this day, wondering what it wants to tell. Thank you for sharing. Take care,
Rage -
I notice as I scroll through the comments that you won a gold trophy for this, congratulations, I couldn't imagine anything else topping this. This is so eloquent and sad and inspiring. I can't begin to pretend I know the struggle you go through, but I thanks to you sharing your life I can understand a little better. Best of luck to you.
take care
~whisper
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I've never read your poetry, Gregg, and I'm thorougly impressed with how emotional these words are...Congrats on the trophy, and I will be reading more of this amazing poetry
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congrats on the gold gregg
well deserved!
~liz -
Yet another masterpiece from you! *CLAPS* You`re my favourite poet in this forum! I admire your honesty and your brazen portrayal of bitterness. Thank you for opening my eyes through this poem.
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So great and true to life.
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Wow!
Great job on this very powerful and very realistic write!
Sorry I have not read it earlier, but (from one student to another) school takes priority for the most part. Unfortunately, I am not lucky enough to be studying in the same field as my hobby. (Like Poetry, English, or anything else that is fun!)
Congratulations!
Take care, and God Bless,
Anulka
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Thank you Queen for the thanks. I didn't hink I would walk away with Gold with it, that just a nice touch since I was after the Bronze. heehe but I thank you.
Edited on Apr 23, 5:12 p.m. because ''. -
Congratulations! Well deserved. Your poem was excellent. Queen
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From reading your author page, and now this poem, you seem like such an amazing person, to be able to look good despite all the pain you are in. I hope I am making sense.
I will read a few more of yours tonight, before I go to bed.
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Each time I read your poems~
I reflect~
I appreciate~
I want to hug the hell out of you
Keep on loving, keep on staying strong, keep on being my inspiration
and much love~Desire
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The language of this poem is vibrant and beautiful. I can feel the magic of your pen as it touches my heart. And I am filled with life and love.
Thank you,
Maria -
Sometimes pain is so crippling. I have strained my back and I am hurting so badly but I have rehearsal tonight so, I will put the mask on, dress up my pain and go forth, it has to be. I cannot say that I know the extent of your hurt, your illness, your pain, but I feel in every inch of my spirit for you. I know that the strength of your countenance will give way to the illness and make for a beautiful looking personage. Keep that head up and that spirit high. You have shed a bright light on the subject that really makes me suffer a cold chill. I keep you always in prayer my friend. Keep sharing with us.
Renee
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Gregg, this is so damn wonderful. One of the things i love best about your writes is that...you can switch from scene to scene, emotion to emotion, with seeming ease and take me along as if i am right there with you. I felt like i could see your facial expression as he says..."Gawd, you look good!" (which admittedly, i thought was a reference to me when i saw the title...hahahahaha...cuz, you know, it is all about ME!hahaha).
Totally different scenarios, but i have felt this...i recall this man a number of years ago who had made a complete nightmare of my life...and then hung me out to dry. About a year and a half later, he returns and i remember him saying something similar to me...about looking good. And all i could think was...yeah, but where were you through all those days and nights when i felt crippled...when i needed someone...and only now, when it is "convenient" for you...do i matter. hmmppffff...geez, Gregg...i could have done without that memory this morning! (your fault!lol)
You bring out the introspective in me...
Excellent write, my friend!
UB
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Thank you, that is all that I ask, that one person learns from the poem, then I did the job as a writer first, a person second. ;f
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I hope that some of the little angst ridden 14 year olds that think their life is hell read this and discover what true daily pain and suffering is all about. You have given us quite a stark view of what living each day knowing what will kill you and waiting for the when is all about. the fact that you are making something of your life in spite of all this is not lost in the message. Keep penning Gregg. There are many here who could learn from you. Susan
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wow. This.. is such an amazingly unique and touching write. I have never read anything quite like it and it pulls at me. It's like through your words I can feel the pain and the emotions. Wow. Sorry I couldn't read it earlier. This is very very well written! Thanks for entering my contest! Good luck!
Edited on Apr 16, 1:15 p.m. because ''. -
Gregg, you have certainly pulled at my heart strings with this fantastic honest poem, I also hate to think of you in so much pain..Life can be cruel..but you have lived 20 years..but at what price..at least we can get to read your poems.Wonderful piece Gregg~Joan
Edited on Aug 23, 7:47 because ''. -
This is so well written... and the emotion grips the reader by the throat.. I carry away so many thoughts after reading this. I'm reminded of several relationships I've been in, and how they prefered their safe, pretty and normal world, obsolete of my illness... I'd love to give them all a good smacking... I'm rambling... lol. Anyways, you've pulled me in with this and I won't leave the same way I've come in....
Brilliantly done.
Edited on Apr 16, 8:33 because ''. -
Perfectly Expressed!
Wow! Very descriptive, my heart goes out to you, and I can relate to a few things here, and the other just seems I'm learning more and more...
This line stuck out to me the most...
The motions of living, the falsity of smiles
Wow! That hit hard, so many I feel try to just smile.
This is real sad, and I hope you're feeling better soon my friend...
Wish you well in the contest as well!
You try and take care, OK... Laters!
-Timothy
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I like the poem. It made me cry, though. I hate the fact that you are in so much pain. I am sending you some positive energy and some of my strength. And also a hug just for being you, my friend. I hope it helps.
~Tawnya~ -
ah, how well i know that mask
the one that takes hours to prepare and perfect
"you don't look sick at all"
love that line
i hear that one often...until someone stops by unexpectedly
hears my music and sees my car out in front...so i have to let them in. without the time to prepare the mask, they see the true me. at least i don't have to hear the "gawd, you look good". twenty years...a long time to wear that mask...have had it on for 25 myself. i know we have different reasons to wear the mask...but it is no less suffocating. therein lies the power of allpoetry...no need to wear one, as we are connected via words only.
i loved the brutal honesty of this one gregg...as painful as it was to read, i hope that writing it brought you some release. i've found, over the past year or so that i've been a member, there are many of us who face unbelievable challenges every day. we may be "alone" in the physical world...but through our writing, we are never without kinship.
bravo to you, my dear friend gregg
you know you are in my prayers always,
~liz -
ireally like your poem, to me it really shows how this world can be. i mean, you can make the analogy of someone being the person yuo write about, and the qworld being the person who says, "Gawd you look good!". i feel like this so much, that we just put on a mask for the world. anyways, good poem.
anna
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