~
I.
My baby cries
before falling asleep at night.
My baby cries
despite the moon-sung lullabies
Take the shingles off from this roof,
leave us here in your flooding proof -
my baby cries.
II.
This hurricane came a long time ago -
it came with a rush of bad luck and blame.
We had children that couldn’t write their names,
but were measured as mind’s not meant to grow.
So why do your eyes perceive things so slow,
observant spinner for this twister-game?
This hurricane came a long time ago -
it came with a rush of bad luck and blame.
If the arrow landed on white, hello.
If the arrow landed on black, goodbye.
We spin ‘round and ‘round the stereotype,
but what is life if hate is all we show?
This hurricane came a long time ago…
III.
My baby died, the debris flew.
Government lied and so did you.
Tornadoes touched down all around,
no safe place on the front was found
and in that moment, I saw truth.
Without warning, without a clue
your roof is gone; what do you do?
It flew too fast from off the ground -
my baby died…
Please understand my point of view.
For a minute, ignore my hue.
Hear that cry? That’s my baby’s sound,
spoken although she’s heaven-bound;
for us, she still weeps from the sky.
And when I heard her there, I knew…
my baby died…
~
Author notes
I decided to go out of my comfort zone...and write from a black woman's perspective on this tragic situation.
I. Rondelet
II. Rondel
III. Rondeau
[Incase it makes a difference, I added this after Hetha and Pamela graded, honestly. They didn't say anything about this, but I had just remembered that I forgot to do this earlier.]
i.
Rondelet
The Rondelet is a French form consisting of a single septet with two rhymes and one refrain: AbAabbA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats.
ii.
Rondel
A French form consisting of 13 lines: two quatrains and a quintet, rhyming as follows:
ABba abAB abbaA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats.
iii.
A Rondeau is a French form, 15 lines long, consisting of three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet with a rhyme scheme as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain (R) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other lines are longer (but all of the same metrical length).
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 10 - Top 7 by Laura Lamarca.
1200 points, ended November 16, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Cries From Heaven
First Impression: 9/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 5/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 10/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 8/10 -L2 "night"-your "b" rhyme doesn't rhyme with the other "b" rhymes in your rondelet. "roof"-L4 and "proof"-L5 are fine. --Also, in your rondeau, L14-"for us, she still weeps from the sky." I see as an added line, and doesn't fit into the rhyme scheme, but it closes and completes the thought from L13. L16 has your repeat refrain from L9-"my baby died…". L15-"And when I heard her there, I knew…" -matches the 'a' rhyme in the rondeau.
Personality/emotion: 5/5
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 10/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 112/115
Form wise it needs a touch of work, but overall it is still a great read, and a wonderful addition to the Challenge.
You still did a stellar job, and I like that you wrote it outside of your perspective, from someone else's point-of-view. That was a plus in my book.
You have such talent and skill writing outside of your own perspective, as I've seen you do before in this challenge. 
Your versatility is shining.
~Hettie
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Thanks Hettie. It took me a while to understand your explanation about the quality, but I didn't even realize I had the incorrect number of lines. I guess I just bomb when there's several different forms going on at once. lol I'm a one-step-at-a-time kind of guy, I guess. Anyway, thanks again.
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Cries From Heaven
First Impression: 10/10
Impact of title: 4/5
Originality: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 10/10
Mechanics: 3/5
Quality of form/syllables: 9/10
Personality/emotion: 5/5
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 10/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 110/115
"before falling asleep at night."
This line must rhyme with lines 5 and 6 OR 5 and 6 must rhyme with it to stay within form specs. AbAabbA
remove the shingles that held light
to leave us here in flooded fright -
(a thought)
But, I will say I loved the imagery in this Rondelet. You set the stage here and the mood for what is yet to come. Nice, especially moon-sung lullabies - I loved that as it casts such an emptiness - the epitome of being left so alone mid struggle.
I like the way you separated the forms into vignettes to help with the form transitions.
Your Rondel is quite well done with powerful anchor lines; key to good use of repetition in verse. Impressive.
"observant spinner for this twister-game" Loved that. Unique and fresh with wonderful sound.
The quintet is the marker though, where your message is straight in the face of facts and makes one stand and take notice. With all that we say we have accomplished in our growth toward equality, we still don't find unity and underlying judgment still finds a way to rear its ugly head. What we do to each other ...
... and the Rondeau - wonderfully transitioned from your first few lines, with deep sorrow and loss.
Last line of your first stanza sits awkward a bit with me and I think you could have pulled a better rhyme into it.
Perhaps: "and at that moment - truth's debut" (a thought)
I think your anchor in this form is strong as well, and though you don't need to rhyme that line, it may have been a bit more potent as: "No baby grew" Would have really power-housed the end of this piece. But that is just my opinion. The line you used works well too.
All in all, you have really worked hard with your subject and did a nice job of grouping your forms and keeping them cohesive. Not an easy task to master.
A real hard hitter that speaks too many truths I am afraid. Quite well done. ~Pamela
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Thanks Pamela, I'm new to two of these forms, so this was quite a challenge...and I can't believe I messed up that line, I feel incredibly stupid! especially after how much time I spent on this - you'd think I would've noticed eventually.
Again, thanks!
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Oh very well done Tyler, Why do you dislike form so? You do it well. I like the way you wove the story into the three forms, an excellent job in my opinion. Best of luck... Scott
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Thanks Scott
And whoever said I dislike form? lol
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This is really interesting!! As a mother of course it plucks at those heartstrings. I really like how you have worked in race, very subtly, but enough to be very clear. Nice job on this one!
Kris
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I. Rondelet
L4...the end-rhyme is off.
II. Rondel
L4...i have an issue with the end-rhyme again. that line is too weak to have fallen from your quill...
"yet when babes lost their lives, hell's hairs did grow."
i dunno...i offered a bad example, so as not to compromise your editing.
L11...loved the originality there.
III. Rondeau
L2...no comma required before "and"
L5..."truth" - i'm nit-picking on a near-rhyme because for me, the rhyme doesn't work and yet, the message does - so it's a hard one to call. follow your instinct on that one...cos it surely is a gamble.
L8...i want to read it as
"it flew too fast from off the ground" - did you have that there originally?
L13..."ground" is a repeated end-rhyme, yet that line isnt a repeated line. It doesn't work...hmm..
"from heaven's arms, her cries abound"
Your repetitive line is good, yet maybe add an ellipse to it instead of the full-stop...so that the baby dying is the thing that lingers in your readers' minds.
For isn't that the outrage of Katrina? (hope i got the bitch's name right)
No one could stop her from hitting those homes...but there are children who could've been saved if people in authority hadn't have seen hue before they saw hunger.
I love the content of this, it is something i feel passionately about - all of it.
Those are merely my suggestions, you're not forced to implement them. What you have here is great already...i want stellar.
Laura.
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Edited now...ready for judging whenever you are.
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Thanks, Laura. I'll be making edits accordingly...
The only thing that I'm choosing to keep is the "truth" rhyme - the "ou" sound is consistent and so...it flowed for me. Even with that set aside, I felt "truth" was a vital word to the meaning...and I'm accepting the fact that I could be sacrificing a good score in word choice for a good score in cohesion of meaning.
Everything else though...those things will be fixed.
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Talking about Katrina from a personal point of view was interesting and the idea of randomness well done. I thought the first stanza of the third vignette was the strongest with its sense of defeat at the hands of the government.
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II. L8
'luck'
I loved "This hurricane came a long time ago…"
The feel of it was so moving, in it's own context and what other lines were affected with it.
III. Last stanza. I am in awe. This is the strong point, the high point and the ending point. Well done.
I am not a big fan on this. It is written well but it just didn't suck me in until the last minute. That's when the emotion, the mood and the everything slam into my face and I realize, wow, something isn't right. The rest seems to unpersonalized. This could have been your intent? But personally I don't think you pulled it off well enough.
I might like your comfort zones better. The theme and the feel, I just didn't connect enough, I think.
me = crackhead.
I am used to be slapped.
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Well, of course it's not going to personalized considering I'm jumping into a different person's perspective - perhaps it was hard to jump into the emotion, because the details at hand were clearly something that was irrelevant to my personal life -- and you know me enough to know this whole thing was imaginary, lol. I do agree though, my personal writes (contrary to this entry) definitely have more emotional intensity, so I understand your commentary on the feel. That's what I risked though by doing something different. I just thought it was time for me to step out of my comfort zone & show the judges that I can write out of my comfort zone - perhaps not as the best, but write something out of my zone while doing a decent job.
Thanks for the honest comments...sometimes I need to be slapped too.
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This is amazing. So beautifully done. Go outside of your comfort zone more often.
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Such a tragic piece but you flooded it with amazing emotion. So wonderfully penned. Each form blended effortlessly too. It certainly didn't feel like a trilogy, but one flowing poem.
Best wishes in this round
gaylene
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wow....that is so ...in depth! you took such a realistic..daunting..tragic view..and yet you made the perspective so much more...wonderful undertone in this..great emotion throughout this piece..
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Thanks
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