dogs bark in the parking lot
a hip-hop single
on the end of the world
and the neighbors
have long knocked silence out
with a do-it-yourself kit.
day
after
day
my neurons sit on a bench
in the cemetery; now and then
one lights a scentless candle
to peace
but i stand the rolling of train wheels
on orphan fields each week, anyway,
and i sacrifice hours of life
like abraham’s son, in diapers and
without hesitation, anyway
because this is home.
this is where a handful of people
will leave anything else
upon my entrance, and the world
makes more sense.
Author notes
Nov. 7, 2009
A contest entry
- flickers of home . by xmiasmatik.
1200 points, ended November 11, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any better title come to mind? Are there too many repeated filler words?
Comments
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Your home sounds more pleasant. It makes sense. I don't have that.
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thank you
that's really sad that you don't have that... it gets real annoying here sometimes, but I come here every chance I get and this is why. I hope you get it someday too.
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but i stand the rolling of train wheels
on orphan fields each week, anyway
and i sacrifice hours of life
like abraham’s son, in diapers and
without hesitation, anyway.
and i like the filler words, and the title. i would suggest changing up/adding a few more commas here and there
like here:
on orphan fields each week, anyway
and i sacrifice hours of life
i would put the comma after anyway. it helps the flow.
but i liked it. a lot.
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thank you!
actually, I had thought if I should put a comma there and kind of decided against it since it's the end of that line, but if a reader thinks so maybe I should.
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