i.
I feel the trace
of your breath fluttering the shade.
I feel the trace
of tears upon my pillowcase
and soft sounds of love’s serenade.
Though morning’s light seeks to dissuade,
I feel the trace.
ii.
I pray the coming years will not erase
the images you've painted in my mind
for fate could never treat me so unkind
or let me fall too far from saving grace.
Your smile curves in each rainbow that I chase,
your silhouette in clouds as I reclined.
I pray the coming years will not erase
the images you've painted in my mind.
Perhaps I glimpsed the gaps in time and space
and saw between the crevices to find
a remnant of the life you left behind.
Those precious moments time cannot replace,
I pray the coming years will not erase.
iii.
Since you have gone my life is in suspense.
I pause in daydream’s path, a consequence
of tender nights that are not meant to be,
my thoughts restoring love in reverie
unable to resist this false pretence.
I believe, in spite of strict evidence,
the universe provides this sweet defense
to shield my heart from lonesome misery
since you have gone.
My sorrow will abate, seem less intense,
and life will once again make certain sense.
I know the future holds no guarantee
and so I hunger for what used to be,
but I am forced to live in present tense
since you have gone...
Author notes
shade: (Noun) something that intercepts or shelters from light, sun, or heat; a flexible screen usually mounted on a roller for regulating the light or the view through a window.
i.
Rondelet
The Rondelet is a French form consisting of a single septet with two rhymes and one refrain: AbAabbA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats. The refrain is written in tetra-syllabic or dimeter and the other lines are twice as long - octasyllabic or tetrameter.
ii.
Rondel
A French form consisting of 13 lines: two quatrains and a quintet, rhyming as follows:
ABba abAB abbaA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats.
iii.
A Rondeau is a French form, 15 lines long, consisting of three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet with a rhyme scheme as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain (R) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other lines are longer (but all of the same metrical length).
In a list
- Seeking Perfect Rhyme And Rhythm group list • next in list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 10 - Top 7 by Laura Lamarca.
1200 points, ended November 16, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What are your thoughts on this poem?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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What a beautiful poem, so heartfelt. I loved it all the way through but the last two lines sum-up how lost love makes us feel ..perfectly.
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I have not tried these, and you so make me wish to. It's eloquent and effective in underlining key points of a message , you have strong key lines, and it all seems to flow together beautifully. well done!
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Lol... I feel very much an amateur still on here, at commenting/reading . But I thought this poem was absolutely beautiful.. The imagery used is so touching and just captivates. I loved it, and this form that you have so well written
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As If You Never Left
First Impression: 8/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 10/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 8/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 10/10
Personality/emotion: 5/5
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 4/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 107/115
I felt this very strongly on an emotional level, and you have some strong usage of good rhyme in all three poems. Your rhyme and the great transition with your rondel in the middle, helped to carry your piece along for me.
~Hettie
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As If You Never Left
First Impression: 8/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 9/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 8/10
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 9/10
Personality/emotion: 5/5
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 5/5
Syntax: 4/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 106/115
Such a tender, gentle opening with this caring Rondelet. I know these feelings all too well, I am afraid. *sigh*
L2 I felt a bump with "fluttering" but, it may just be me as I continuously work on not using gerunds in my poetry. (I have a tenancy to go overboard at times)
I may have tried this instead:
"I feel your trace
as breath flutters my window shade.
I feel your trace;
soft tears upon my pillowcase,
sound tender in heart's serenade
though morning light seeks to dissuade -
I feel your trace ..."
Just an idea but, my thought is that the use of the word "your" brings this right to the grit of that emotional level you are going for. The form can stand alone if need be and makes a statement that waits for nothing else, yet with almost a whisper, opens your verse for what is yet to come. I hope that makes some sense.
Your Rondel carries your theme beautifully and finds its place in vignette for a good transition.
Again "coming" stumbled me - perhaps "I pray the years to come will not erase" may have worked as well.
S2 L2 (Rondel) may have been smoothed a bit like this:
your silhouette in clouds if I reclined (just that change from "as I" to "if I" keeps your tense from shifting)
S3 L2 (Rondel) may have used "and looked" instead of "and saw" (tense again)
I think your anchor lines in this form are strong which is crucial when repetition is used in verse. They must carry the verse without ever showing their sameness. You have handled this very well.
Your Rondeau continues your theme quite well again. I may have shifted line one and two because I would love to have used "a consequence" as your short line. It really packs a lot of power and brings realism to such loss, finds that grief takes a life of its own and really shows how different it is for everyone.
I pause in daydream's path, a consequence
since you have gone and life is in suspense
and "my thoughts restore our love in reverie"
All in all you have transitioned your theme well through use of vignettes. I do admire your use of complex rhyme in this piece. Quite well done. This one really hit my soft spot - will hit anyone who has lost a love - gently.
Beautiful work. It has been a pleasure to read this and enjoy its life. Thank you. ~Pamela
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wonderful
I felt that the work and verse that has gone into this poem is just wonderful, creating such beautiful imagery. It's very sad yes of course and I cant imagine that you could possibly have written something so touching had not this poem touched you, came from your heart which makes it the sadder to read.
I love how easily it reads, yet looks awkward. Very well written SD...Dan
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Very well written with some wonderful imagery and good flow. It seems we all know this feeling at one time or another in life. Best of luck to you... Scott
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I consider it beautiful. The way a persons presence lingers long after they have gone, "the trace of your breath fluttering the shade", "Your smile curves in each rainbow that I chase", "I pause in daydream's path, a consequence
of tender nights that are not meant to be". Each section follows through the same theme, seeking hope for a future when the presence will not be so strong, the emotion so raw. Beautifully done, and do have done it while maintaining the rules of such exacting forms, truly amazes me. Such sweet rhyme and rhythm, but it was the emotion that kept me reading on.
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You have worked these forms so nicely. Rereading them I find that your repeating lines work wonderfully within the pieces. Your rondelet is superb, I think you have caught the essence of the form and used it so well. I love the imagery in the Rondel
"Your smile curves in each rainbow that I chase," -- wonderful!
I like the ellipse at the end of the Rondeau- really adds that just right 'ending' - left in the air.
Excellent!
Best wishes,
Kris
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i. Rondelet
L2..."the shade." - the shade of what?
I believe that line needs something more, yet I'm not sure what. Maybe a whole new line there with a better end-rhyme...because although that is the first b rhyme...it feels like you stretched for it. Almost like the start was the last thing to be written.
ii. Rondel
Your first stanza is very good.
As is your second.
L12 typo "moments"
iii. Rondeau
an ellipse at the very end would allow the whole emotion of the piece to linger on.
You've listened well to the suggestions you were given last round and have implemented them here - this is the most of your inner self that you've given all challenge & the richness it adds to your forms is evident. Well done
i wish you luck when judging commences.
Laura.
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I guess "shade" must be a local expression. Thanks for pointing that out. I've added the Webster's definition to my AN to explain the meaning. It's funny because I actually wrote that part first and of course it made sense to me.
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I can see that you used a more sophisticated rhyme scheme in this round and it worked well. I enjoyed the ambiguity in these poems. At first I thought it was grief after death, but then realized it could also be grief after divorce or separation. Each reader can interpret it as she chooses. Peace, Liz
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The repeats worked extremely well. I think you pulled them off spot on.
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Wonderfully penned and so rich in imagery. Your rhymes are excellent, like you went out of your way to rhyme differently and it works beautifully!
Best wishes in this round
Gaylene
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I would argue that this is your best one so far. This had such strong intensity...I love this.
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i love it!!! i am sooooo horrible with form/rhyme/meter count...so this contest was like a triple hammer for me but you did such an excellent job with it! i love the last two form you did especially...beautifully worded in elegance..sophistication and style
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