locked square in place, crushed solid into plasmic dust from within:
slow steady smooth incandescent streak
shooting silent molasses magma up the spine
molten golden splendid searing
(in total defiance of gravity) ...
so:
the appalling bellow of quietude
///rattles///
the foundations to their core, singing up from the woodwork
an unsurprising assortment of rough and robust conundrums,
hordes of screeching selfish shadows, kobolds of the mind,
longing to leap upon your shaky shoulders
to hook their repulsive dentition into
the shallow base of your skull-meat,
to savor the exquisite silky tongue-texture
of your confusion.
oh, and they scattered when you kicked at them, yes,
with shill resonant laughter to mock and pierce in lieu of teeth
sharp and shivering in the stale atmosphere, sore and ripe with
{loathing}
but most especially,
incomprehension of the harrying devils'
total and unblemished
[victory]
Author notes
I usually don't use symbols in my poetry the way I did here. I felt impulsively called to experiment with them as a technique. Don't know if I'll keep it. I may hate it later and edit it out, or I may continue experimenting with using symbols thus. We'll see, I guess. I hope the poem isn't too disjointed. It's somewhat free-written.
A contest entry
- Prewrites!!!! by Fallen-Thumper.
1200 points, ended November 13, 184 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - <3 Anything and Everything <3 by vampireblood.
575 points, ended November 20, 160 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Adjective word bank #3 by GotLilt.
900 points, ended November 9, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites. by Antebellum.
400 points, ended November 14, 208 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Well, if you decide to edit it, don't change a thing about the opening paragraph. Absolutely stunning and unique. The second paragraph I can see some refinement would be essential to its effectiveness, but experimenting the way you do is a tough thing to do and it will be rewarding down the line.
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Frankly, I do think it's too disjointed. The transition from image to image isn't clear enough to suck me in. I understand the meaning after reading carefully several times, but in some places it gets a bit vague or jumpy. I also think the loathing line is a bit dramatic compared to the rest- I think it's the odd incapsulation lines. I do really like your second line, which is delightful to say over and over- I wish you'd tweak the rest into such smooth sound sweetness if you're going to leave it vague. I could say "ooo, deep" but I think you are capable of a better and tuned up work, judging by several sweet lines sprinkled within.
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I must say it was like a roller-coaster ride reading this. You did well with the word bank.
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thank you for entering
I really loved this piece andi think you should keep the symbols in there, they make a difference, great job and "the foundations to their core, singing up from the woodwork
an unsurprising assortment of rough and robust conundrums" <-- i lov them lines.
Good luck and thanks for entering!
-penguin-
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