Here's a tear-jerking tale,
Of a couple one night,
Who thought love could face,
The worlds strength and might,
So crazed with their passion,
To hold each other tight.
This adoration, this feeling, this lust, none can fight,
This admiration, this desire, this care, is it right?
This pleasant emotion comes with each embrace,
Love is a foe, no liar can face.
That disastrious happening,
Will not ever shed light,
Unresponded calls echo,
In the dark of the night,
They soon couldn't tell,
Dreaded wrong from pure right.
The beloved, the adored, now huddle in fright,
The idolized, the dear, didn't bother to fight,
So their calls are as dry as wind through the grass,
And they now know - only true love can last.
Old and alone,
A neglected sight,
Dejected and mournful,
Lost all strength and might,
Thinking back to time spent,
With lover that night.
5/11/09
Author notes
Umm... this came randomly one night. I couldn't sleep so I turned the light on and wrote a poem.
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A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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And now they know - only true love can last.
Tough love, this one...
Good job, maybe future lyrics?
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Love is a foe, no liar can face.
I really love this line. It's so true. You did an excellent job penning this and I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest! -
This is well written
The first stanza, last line, may make more sense if it were 'other' instead of 'one', I think. The poem is well structured and flows nicely. The change in pace adds to the charm.
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Oh yeh, it would make more sense. Thank you for pointing it out!
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This is such a sweet poem!
The first stanza is a great introduction. It really connects to the title. Just adding little words, like "one night", make the poem so much stronger. You could have used "thinking" in line three, but by saying "who thought", you brought so much more life into this poem.
You had a really fun rhythm pattern in the first and fourth stanzas. It works in the second stanza really well; in the fourth stanza it needs work. The last line in the fourth stanza looks like it should be connected. I would suggest moving the dash over, so it is between "know - only" instead.
That last stanza, lines 21- 26, just hits home. You make it sound like you really have been through this sort of relationship, even though I seriously doubt it with your age.
It's great that you can communicate things you've never been through in such a true way
(What a minute. What am I saying? I've never been in any boy-girl relationship!)
Thanks for reading this, Izzy -
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Thank you so much for the comment. It was extremely useful and let me know exactly where was good and where it needed work. I took your advice and changed the place of the dash in the last line of the fouth stanza. I used it to just have a break and give suspension. Thanks again, you gave a really useful comment,
Izzy!
*Smiles*
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I love the poem Izzy (far above your tender years ha) but what destroyed the union, was it age or what...Uncle Dan... Good luck in the comp though...
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That is absolutely amazing, though I've come to expect no less from you.<3 You are an extremely talented poet; keep writing.<3
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