She boggles my mind
I think of her all the time
She comes in my dreams
Both while I am awake and asleep
These feelings I have
Steadily seems to grow
When I see here everyday
My heart jumps for joy
I want to tell her
Tell her how I feel
But I swear I do not know how
I am too scared of the outcome
This pressure is building within me
I have to tell her now
She must know how I feel
Before it is too late
But all these people step in
Where they do not belong
They tell me it will not happen
They tell me she feels for another
I do not know if this is true
I must find out on my own
So off I go to her now
To tell her "I love you"
Author notes
i was sitting in class the other day and my teacher gave the class a poem assignment.
well i just started writing and came out with this poem. i read it over and realized it was like a free rhyme revised version of the first and second parts of CoL. I hope you like it.
What did you think
Comments
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I want to help you, so don't get all pissy with me this time. I'll only go through the first verse so you're not overwhelmed.
The lines:
"I think of her all the time
She comes in my dreams
Both while I am awake and asleep"
have all been used so many times elsewhere that they don't really have any impact. They do express thought, but not as effectively as anyone caught writing them wants.
I'm not going to rewrite your poem for you but offer you ideas. Having a boggled mind could be shown by mixing up the words a little, but that could also confuse the reader. Obsessing over someone could be shown with an echoed phrase or repeated word, but that's hard to pull off in the few words you've allowed yourself in the verse. The persistence of your mind to return to your obsession could be shown in a different way. Dreams is a good metaphor, but about as used up as the word love, rose, and woe. Let's just try something. Take the ideas that you capture in this verse and write them down in as many different ways as you can think of. Pretend you're telling different people, a kid, a peer, a parent, a retiree, a teacher, jesus, a retard, the object of your affections, whatever. I know you have your own style, diction, and ways of phrasing things. I'll show you how I'd say something like this, and you can show me how you'd say something like this. I know you'd say this differently if you could see how ineffective it is on any adult. Watch.
In looping lines I pen the letters
Sleeping in circular thoughts where,
She's coming, leaving, loving,
Never gone and beautiful.
or
My twisted eyes turn inside to
See the way she dances there.
I place the day upon a pedestal
With my smiling dreams in spiral.
This is just garbage off the top of my head, but they're distinctively mine. People who torture themselves reading my babbling could pick my lines out of anonymous verse. I say the same things as everyone else, I'm not special and neither are you. I hope that you can understand what I'm talking about and not fall off into whining again. You're going to be good if you practice. -
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omg dude...
did you not read my author's note?
its not supposed to be real deep in thought or complex its just a simple poem i had to do for school.
omg
and how you say that my first stanza is used so many times...well as many poems ive read and heard ive never once ever have i heard or read those lines before
i mean jesus christ...i really didnt care how this one turned out i just did it to get me teacher to shut the hell up...i mean really...she bitches enough and i didnt feel like hearing her bitch cuz i didnt want to do this poem
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