In vapor state, you don't know I exist.
You walk right through, I'm swirling 'round your head.
You breathe me in and lick the lips I mist.
For all you care, I may as well be dead.
I see the fog I cause within your mind.
You think of me. It's more and more each day.
I'm all around. Just love me and you'll find.
There is so little you must do or say.
You notice me. You smile and give a wink.
My heart aglow, you know I am alive.
I give myself, despite what others think.
My life's a car in which you sit and drive.
My heart is pure. I treasure it as gold,
a solid mass of love that you may hold.
A solid mass of love that you may hold,
and help meet in the times of your despair.
This "love" is not as bad as I was told.
I love you, dear. Your care's my only care.
You fill my cup completely to the brim.
I'll fill you up. Your needs are mine to meet.
You loved me when my thoughts for love were dim.
You're everything. My world is now complete.
I sense a void is growing in-between
our lives of one. How can we separate?
I promise dear, to never make a scene.
Repair this rift before it is too late.
The fire you lit is for your cattle brands.
I'm melting just like liquid through your hands.
I'm melting just like liquid through you hands.
You're holding some but most just flows on through.
My heart recoils not knowing where it stands
and wants to know what I'm supposed to do.
Can it be true, what I have heard of love?
You give your all, expecting no return.
You think you've found the one you're dreaming of.
The flames that warm are now the flames that burn.
I found a note. You told her the same stuff,
with promises that you have made to me.
I gave you all! I guess it's not enough!
Why try to love if we are not to be!?
My temper flares, I boil until I hissed...
"In vapor state, you don't know I exist!"
Author notes
These are the three states of matter; solid, liquid, and vapor. This sonnet is written from a womans perspective.
What are your first thoughts?
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I like this very much. There is an honesty about it that appeals to me. Your form is true to the form. It didn't address the philosophical subject insofar as Round Three goes, but I enjoyed reading it just the same.
Sincerely,
Camille
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Your meter is very strong...you have a great knack for feeling the beats and choosing your words to create them. The next to last line has a semantic problem...Should be uniformly past or present tense..your mix the two to create the rhyme. "lips I mist" from the first sonnet feels slightly forced, as well. Perhaps a personal point by me...but not a fan of the word "stuff" in poems, unless for the definition of cramming in. I am remiss to find the philosophy in this piece that could have certainly been drawn from the quote prompt. That prompt was just that...a prompt..something to be contemplated, mulled over, and given consideration for it's meaning in your write. I understand your poem in it's intended meaning and direction quite well and it is very good in that regard..just never addresses the tenets of the present destroying it's inherent self-importance or follows a logic as to the nature of this destruction, design or pure inadvertence. This has strong qualities and weak ones given the assignment.
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Pondering
Great angle with the different states of matter blending with different states of feeling, hmmmm................................ -
Wow, I really like this. It has a progression that worked very well for this form; 3 stanzas, one for each of the three states of matter for H20. It flowed with the emergence of his attention for her through his neglect complete with her reasons and emotions projecting through the wonderful water metaphor! And like annother said it "went full circle", not just with the poem's line but in the metaphor. I love how the last line is her enraged hissing after she reached her boiling point. The tone follows the metaphor. Mary
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Thanks much.
Yep, that how I pictured the form going in my mind. Each sonnet tells a small part of the story and each representing a different time and how she feels. I thoought the hissing was a nice touch, getting mad at his rejection in the end.
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I feel that this piece went full circle, from an innocent beginning to realization and anger at the ending. Very emotional, a write I feel everyone can identify with. Best of luck in IG.
Ann
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Thanks Ann.
You got it dead on!
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you must know a lot of women.. sweetheart to be able to read the lines this well.
perfect.
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I don't know THAT many...
I just listen to the ones that I do know! Thank you much
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Smooth-flowing alternate perspective
I liked how you wove the scientific with the emotional. Going through the three states of matter as analogies to the phases of love was intriguing and maintained a sense of suspense. The rhythm really flows throughout this crown of sonnet and the reasoning behind conclusions is sound. The first and last lines are really strong in expressing her feeling of being ignored, an original perspective.
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Thank you, Jane!
I always enjoy the insight you bring to my poems. I way really hoping I could pull this off. I have a few more ideas for the Crown Sonnet.
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This piece is lovely. Your tone so full of sorrow in this story of unrequited love. It would make a lovely song for sure. I could hear the guitar playing softly in my mind as I read it. Well done.
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Thank you for that.
I have been in a song writing mood as of late.
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A beautiful poem whatever the gender. Promises are easily made as as easily broken
There are too many lines I really like to single one out for comment
Thanks for a very enjoyable read.
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Thank you.
I'm glad you have that problem. Yes, promises are easily made and broken by some.
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I am very impressed. So elegantly and beautifully written. I would love to write like this. Very good.
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Who says you can't!
I just bet you can if you try! The form made it sound elegant. I was just tryin' ta gitt'r done! Thank you bunches!!
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o0o0o0o Beautifully done big guy. You nailed it from a woman's perspective to hehe. Awesome sonnets for sure..I've almost finished mine but now am reluctant to post it.
I wish you all the luck..it's a wonderful, wonderful piece of poetry!
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I try to think outside the box sometimes...
ok, most times! But it is no fun in the box!
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