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what my father says when he doesn't realize i'm listening

He says his skin's not yellow
so he can't be dying quite yet.

Told me he was sitting in traffic today,
"talking upstairs" as he calls it.
Says he likes to call it.

Suddenly there was a big ray of sunshine,
but god damn if it was God.
The sun blew it's top off, just for him,
but god damn if it was God.

Says he's gotta stop working overtime,
just focus on surviving.


oh oh oh oh this.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • redbird
    November 7
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    i like it

  • fanniesson
    November 7

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    stripping the old man down to the bone
    nice piece


  • Ryno
    November 6

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    Loved the characterization in this piece. It was so powerful. Through four simple, completely different images and concepts, you were able to create a full character for me, as the reader. I felt like I was sitting in the kitchen, listening to him go on about this stuff, as though he was talking to himself.

    I oddly related to the emotions in the last stanza. Not quite sure how, because I have never been in a situation similar to that... but you really made me feel this man's frustrations, and his bizarre hope.

    Excellent.


    • vaguelyfamiliar
      November 7
      Edit | Reply
      You always leave me the best comments. Always. I was smiling so big my teeth were starting to get cold.

1 - 5 of 5