The sunlight paused to revere
Ivory skin through silken slits.
In soliloquy she hums a tune.
The chatter of a bird billows
Through illumined lily stalks.
Unfinished;
This is the way the world ends,
Without truculent storms
or the searing plunge of a Mayan star,
Just the pounding of an alarm clock.
Author notes
Do Birds Dream by mirabiliaimages.
A contest entry
- Brevity; image inspired. by Naridill.
600 points, ended November 13, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
"This is the way the world ends,"
Too familiar to
"This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but a whimper"
But
"Ivory skin through silken slits.
In soliloquy she hums a tune."
That was unbelievably enriching. The mood and the scenery it set was stunning.
-
The piece is short, but leaves the reader with a "robust" feeling if that makes sense.
There's nothing really to critique, other than minor, frivolous details:
I don't think it's necessary to capitalize every beginning letter in each line. I know that's how it's normally processed in older books, etc, but a capital letter signifies a new idea, or a new... sentence, instead of just a new line.
The punctuation was a bit off, as well.
IE:
"The chatter of a bird billows
Through illumined lily stalks.
Unfinished;"
instead maybe:
"The chatter of a bird billows,
through illumined lily stalks,
unfinished;"
Periods usually mark the end of an idea, or statement. And semicolons usually signify to give a longer break than a comma, and shorter break than a period.
But, other than that, and that's just being picky, I really like the idea and the way you expressed it. It's very innovative and was a pleasure to read.
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