When grapes are hanging heavy on the vine,
in valleys neath the blazing summer sun,
and senses yearn to savour fragrant wine
All thoughts are lost and memories resign,
as dreams recall a time of loving fun,
when grapes were hanging heavy on the vine
For love has flown beyond the mortal line,
but feelings say we are forever one,
and senses yearn to savour fragrant wine
Each night I sleep and find that love is mine,
until the dawn reveals the world I shun
when grapes are hanging heavy on the vine
As reflections fall like silver moonshine,
I whisper on the breeze. 'I love you, hun!'
and senses yearn to savour fragrant wine
Those precious dreams in which our souls combine,
exalt the day my life is truly done
when grapes are hanging heavy on the vine
and senses yearn to savour fragrant wine.
Comments
-
This is one of the most difficult forms to carry off, and you haven't done badly at all. You sustained it very well, and the repeated lines never sat oddly.
I would offer a couple of suggestions for lines you could revise:
Each night I sleep and find that love is mine - I am going to suggest dream rather than sleep.
As reflections fall like silver moonshine - this is the only line that isn't iambic, and that jars a little.
Not bad.
Adding your comment:
