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Envy II














it was a cold
morning, frozen joints
squeaking in tune with
the birds i thought i’d
never hear again

the jaundice walls
were tinted clover
my vision a sickly blue

and i awoke from the long
night that had promised
itself perfect and dreamless

oh, how i wish my eyes
hadn’t opened, that i could
see the bloody mess
i’d made of things

i reached for my antidote
to end this nightmaric reverie
and finally join that
great dead sea

and not just envy
its denizens















Author notes

Another take on a poem of mine titled Envy.

In a list

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8
  • thepartyscrashingus
    January 30
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    totally love the first stanza


  • xxAbHiShEkxx
    January 23
    Edit | Reply
    bravo
    u are such a gr8 poet


  • MelissaluvzSheila gold member
    December 26, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    This piece was full of strong emotions and feelings. I found this piece very enjoyable to read. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest!


  • Oh.My.Juliet
    November 9, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Very emotional, thanks for sharing.

    x

  • luvdrkchocolate
    November 7, 2009

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    Oh. This is quite some poem that you have going on in here. i really liked it. I haven't had a chance to read the other poem yet but I will after I'm finished commenting on this one. I know you don't care if you dont' get a comment but I think it's just rude not to say anything. I mean you put your feelings into it right? I liked the use of color in this and with the way you mentioned a dead sea you really reminded me of another writer on this site that looked at the sea and water as something dead. I thought that was pretty cool to see two people on here with similiar wave lengths. The poem has a sad feel but kind of wistful too. Oh I don't know, like you're remembering something. That's what I'm getting out of this anyway. I"m probably wrong.

  • coolstorybro
    November 7, 2009

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    I like how well this poem progresses... it just subtly flows into the next part and then to the next. Overall, no complaints whatsoever other than your use of the word jaundice... didn't fit in my opinion. Solid write but lacking any real impact or memorability.

  • Virulent Malice
    November 6, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I liked the use of the word "jaundice", the parts in italics were particularly good as well. Not a bad write over all.


  • XMysticalNightmareX
    November 6, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    thank you for entering this contest, this was an interesting poem good luck!

1 - 8 of 8