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theoretical

I've noticed
that your white-hole eyes blink to mine
a little too often
to blame on gravity;

lines of text connect our orbits
when bared,
and I wonder if that isn't
your subconscious way
of trying to see past my skin
to the metal core God forged
inside


at midnight, mirages puncture my lungs
and air hisses into the night sky;
is that your doing?



and I know the stars
spin sideways,
but your constellations spiral
too far out of balance
when our pale sternums press each other;




somehow,
I'm not the only one
to trace nebulas
in wintered breaths,
not clouds
or dragonfire





could you tell me, please,
exactly what you mean
when you whisper
"I miss you"?
do you want to be
a binary system
or not?

Author notes

Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • stasis
    November 10

    Edit | Reply

    5

    I agree with the critique Tyler gave in his XF comment. The ending was a bit of a disappointment, but only because it was such a strong piece up until the last two stanzas.

    Best of luck in the contest.

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    November 8

    Edit | Reply
    theoretical

    Originality/creativity: 9/10
    Line breaking/format: 10/10
    Personality/emotion/voice: 9/10
    Challenge/rules are followed: 10/10
    Punctuation/syntax: 5/5
    Spelling/diction: 5/5
    main message/idea/theme conveyed: 10/10
    Transition/development/cohesion: 10/10
    Impact/reaction: 9/10
    Overall opinion: 9/10
    Score in the main challenge: 8.9

    X factor bonus points: 0/5

    Total: 94.9/100


  • sideways hourglass
    November 6

    Edit | Reply

    87.2


    Originality/creativity: 8/10
    Line breaking/format: 9/10
    Personality/emotion/voice: 8/10
    Challenge/rules are followed: 10/10
    Punctuation/syntax: 5/5
    Spelling/diction: 5/5
    main message/idea/theme conveyed: 9/10
    Transition/development/cohesion: 9/10
    Impact/reaction: 8/10
    Overall opinion: 8/10
    Score in the main challenge: 8.2/10

    X factor bonus points: 0/5

    Total: 87.2/100

    only critique i had was that the ending fell flat, in contrast to your opening, which i liked.

1 - 6 of 6