Faces...a letter to kelsi

Dear Kelsi,
You ask me to tell you my hopes, fears, and dreams.
This could take a while...
a LONG while...
I mean i am talking hours, days, weeks.
Ok so maybe it isn't that extreme.
Let's see what shall i start with...?
Many people ask good news or bad news first...
I usually say bad...just to get it over with, you know?
I remember...I remember like it was yesterday
I remember it all
I wish i could forget
time passes by...each moment fading your life away
and you would think that the memories would fade...
but they don't...
God how i wish they would...
I'm afraid...scared...terrified
I look back and see the faces
Like a terrible shadow of my past
All demanding something
All reminding me...reminding me
Reminding me of my ghost
Each face is a different story i wish i didn't have to relive
But i do...every day
Those faces scare me...
I try to run from them but i see them in front of me
They surround me
You see my past isn't something i am proud of
I don't really have bragging rights
I mean sure i have accomplished alot...I seem okay
But if you really knew me
like really knew me.
You would know it is entirely different.
Faces...1,2,3,4,5
I start counting them...it like counting stars
It's impossible
But there are a few that stand out
The first face...has a name i speak often
Its a memorial...i remember him often
CJ...CJ...i loved him
i really loved him
When i see his face...
It's complicated
You see when i see his face i see him smiling
SMILE a word forever his
But his story isn't a happy one
It's dreadful
Full of abuse, neglect, and heart ache
The drugs and alcohol numbed his pain
But one day he felt again
you know he was always the one to make you smile
He let you know everything was okay
He used to pinch me cheek and say...SMILE
So gently, calm, soothing...beautiful
But inside he couldn't smile
He couldn't live...not even for me
one, gun, two bullets, his life vanished
but...i remember
SMILE, S-M-I-L-E, SMILE
That's his word
I guess my biggest fear is death
Not my own...
I'm not really concerned about my own life necessarily.
I lost my one chance at true love
I'm afraid to be alone...to lose another one.
My biggest goal in life is to stop...Just stop death
I mean unnecessary death
I want to show people there is hope
I want to give purpose to another person's life
I want them to know that it's okay...
I see their faces before me
In the future
Some crying, some laughing
All need love
So i give them all i got
I spread the word, his word...
SMILE
I never want to see another person hurt the way i did
I wanted to end my life too
I don't want anyone to feel that way
My biggest dreams involve impacting the youth of this generation
I want to make a stand
It doesn't matter where you come from
I have been through alot
Many faces haunt me
But i am strong now
One word gives me strength
SMILE
I live for him, I live for them, i live for a brighter future
I have many ghost i could share...but i won't right now
Just now that...life is short
You have to SMILE...you have to
Rather you face abuse, hurt, pain, rejection...the list goes on
Each person is precious
I want the whole world to know how precious they are
Smiles go a long way, they spread life
So smile...it won't hurt you
Plus you never know when a smile may save a life
I know this is a lot to take in.
I know i probably ranted
But this is my story
Take it or leave it
But if you take nothing else from it...
Remember the word SMILE
Love always,
Brittany