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some kind of city

I speak in silent banter

I walk fluidly, unnoticed

a whisper draws cleanly toward my ear

two suns set in the distance.

I'm s  p  a  c  i  n  g out.

two birds confabulate romance and politics

                                       onastreetcorner.

They are fa

                 ll

                   i

                     ng     into and out of 

 

                                    love.

 

The degenerate man called ho.bo.

cries out for            change.

                                                       Anything will do, son.

 

The madman 

                                   preaches

                                                                   on.

Author notes

C a p t a i n O b v i o u s

A contest entry

What did you think? Would you change anything?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 27 of 27

  • Jasmine Aurora
    November 29
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    I like this alot! it really makes me think. a great write


  • Spectre of Serenity
    November 16

    Edit | Reply
    this is so beautiful, i loved reading it
    cummings was a genius,
    love the way u hv written the word 'fallin'
    though shouldnt it be 'fallin in and out of love'


    • CaptainObvious gold member
      November 16
      Edit | Reply
      if this was prose it would most likely come up "falling in and out of love", but this is poetry, and screw the rules! haha Right? Thanks for reading!


  • Angel-of-Chaos
    November 15

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed this piece, it is very deep and meaningful. I love the way you did the line "They are falling into and out of love" the way you made the words show the way they fall. Really creative and entertaining mentally and visually. Great write!


  • Nick Tashiro
    November 15

    Edit | Reply
    Very playful!

    As long as you're looking for crits here, I'd say that, personally, I'd like to see more of a gestalt in your imagery. To me, this feels like disparate poems pieced together. It seems to me you're cultivating these stream-of-consciousness attention shifts, and abrupt re-directions are often important in this style, however, I found it difficult to see the interrelation of the first 5 lines here with the city imagery of the rest of the poem, (though I suppose a lack of tonal/topical unity is present in much of modern/post-modern poetry). It may be that I'm misunderstanding this piece in some respect(s).

    That kvetched, I must say that I very much enjoyed this one. Wonderful emphasis on the word "change." E. E. is tha shizzle.


    • CaptainObvious gold member
      November 16
      Edit | Reply
      The first 5 lines are defining the setting in a somewhat abstract way. This poem was inspired by a walk through a local park in Philly. The sun was setting and reflecting off of one of the big buildings. Thanks for reading!


  • sinkfloridasink
    November 15

    Edit | Reply
    "Two birds confavbulate romance and politics on a street corner. They are falling in and out of love." Aha this line was genius!
    I liked this poem, I saw it on the shameless wall and I have no clue why I read it, but i am glad i did. Your form was pretty nice, your imagery was wonderful.

  • Brook-1 gold member
    November 10

    Edit | Reply
    I love this. The imagery is so nice and the flow is too. You did a great artwork of form on this poem. Thank you for letting me share in reading your lovely work. Have a nice day.
    Brook


  • Quin Sabe
    November 9

    Edit | Reply

    Awesome

    Wow, I really liked the way wrote this, the style and spacing adds a whole new element to the poem. I am amazed. The messages seems almost to straight forward grasp, and the style adds so much, I just can't hardly fathom it. The many images, the words paint, the images formatting draws, is almost too much, but it is a good thing. I might have try something like this for myself; I doubt I can do it as well.
    Thanks for recommending this, I truly enjoyed it.
    QS


  • sillysmile
    November 9

    Edit | Reply
    hahaha, im confused it sounds like the this is a hallucination
    what is the intent of this poem?
    and what style would you call it?
    thankyou for entering this contest and goodluck


    • CaptainObvious gold member
      November 9
      Edit | Reply
      The style would be some form of avant-garde I guess. It's very much inspired by the way e.e. cummings used typographical effects to convey messages visually in his poems. It's not really a hallucination, but using a wild imagination to view the city. The two suns are the sun and the sun's reflection on the skyscrapers, the birds are just my interpretation of their squawking at eachother. Everything has a meaning. Even if you look at the structure, you see chaos made of beautiful words, kind of like how the world is chaotic but made of beautiful pieces. My intent is that the reader will recognize these abnormal views and consider them next time they are walking through a city.


  • I.am.the.sun.
    November 8

    Edit | Reply
    this was pretty cool, i like the almost physical side of this with how you shaped it, it deffinatly stands out from most other poems. good job on being orriginal keep it up!


  • Justice Morton
    November 8

    Edit | Reply
    It was like a roller coaster, well done. Loved it

  • Topnotchsy
    November 8

    Edit | Reply
    Nice write here. While I'm not sure the poem needs the unusual spacing, I do think it is done in a way that does not make the poem too difficult to read, and it does allow for some visual. Nice write.


    • CaptainObvious gold member
      November 8
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! It's not so much that it needs the unusual spacing, but that the spacing accentuates certain aspects of the writing.

  • jackflashjess
    November 7

    Edit | Reply
    Great, really experimental piece, i like your style, good work!


  • WindUpEnigma gold member
    November 6

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant. I write about cities sometimes, but never this eloquently. I like that your words show, not just tell. Good layout, as well, adds to the piece instead of detracting or distracting.


  • Howl- gold member
    November 5

    Edit | Reply
    loving the layout on this one. gives it a great disjointed feel. the beauty inside the chaos of the city.

    good work man!


    • CaptainObvious gold member
      November 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks man. The structure is definitely meant to add to the poem, much in the way you noticed. Beauty inside chaos.


  • Parabol
    November 5

    Edit | Reply

    sweet dude

    i really liked this one as always though when'd you write this one


    • CaptainObvious gold member
      November 5
      Edit | Reply
      This afternoon before I went to work. It all came out at once. I got a bunch of new books today, so that's probably why. Hopefully more to come soon.


  • Treefingers
    November 5
    Edit | Reply
    Very nice


    • CaptainObvious gold member
      November 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much. I got a hold of a copy of Rimbaud's Illuminations today at the bookstore. Thanks for the recommendation. Great stuff.

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