*
My December
presents me with another song;
My December
extinguishes the small ember.
Insist not, you have done no wrong!
Oh, stealing summer all along,
My December.
*
I remember your touch last May
as we sit under an apple tree;
when you insist on holding me,
I resist from turning my eyes away.
You catch the tears with dismay,
but you are blinded to what I see.
I remember your touch last May
as we sit under an apple tree;
Listen to what I have to say:
this love can never be,
there is no possibility.
So when I sit alone today,
I remember your touch last May.
*
Please listen to my last lullaby.
The evening ends with a lonely sigh,
and autumn shies away from my kiss;
I dance through the evergreen in bliss,
hoping you will hear my gentle cry.
Forgive me, but I can't help but try
loving you again, I can't deny;
not your embrace alone, do I miss.
Please listen.
Pray, dwell not on a heavy good-bye,
I joke not when I apologize;
steal me back from this lonely abyss,
December storm, how I reminisce,
never blue, but forgotten gray sky.
Please listen.
*
Author notes
Requirement:
trilogy of 3 poems on the same page, with a continuation of theme throughout. 1 Rondelet, 1 Rondel and 1 Rondeau.
Rondelet:
The Rondelet is a French form consisting of a single septet with two rhymes and one refrain: AbAabbA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats. The refrain is written in tetra-syllabic or dimeter and the other lines are twice as long - octasyllabic or tetrameter.
Rondel:
A French form consisting of 13 lines: two quatrains and a quintet, rhyming as follows: ABba abAB abbaA. The capital letters are the refrains, or repeats.
Rondeau:
A French form, 15 lines long, consisting of three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a
sestet with a rhyme scheme as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain (R) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other lines are longer (but all of the same metrical length).
source: http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/types.html
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 10 - Top 7 by Laura Lamarca.
1200 points, ended November 16, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
Winter's Lullaby
First Impression: 8/10
Impact of title: 3/5
Originality: 8/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 9/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 9/10
Mechanics: 4/5
Quality of form/syllables: 9/10
Personality/emotion: 5/5
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 4/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 103/115
Such a pretty little Rondelet
and a lovely introduction to your piece.
The Rondel changes tense mid lines which trips a reader in voice an thought. Perhaps your stanzas might blend better like this:
I remember your touch last May
as we sat beneath an apple tree
you insisted on holding me
I resisted from turning my eyes away
You caught my tears with dismay
but were blind to what they would see.
I remember your touch last May
as we sat beneath an apple tree.
(Just a thought)
I think the use of stronger anchor lines would add more to your thought process here as well. These seems bit too soft for the moving in of the cold winter. However, they do work, I just think stronger lines would give this change more impact.
Perhaps:
I remember your touch last May
as time stopped beneath an apple tree
Gives impact to how volatile the seasons are and when we are wrapped in the beauty of spring, and filled with bliss, we just never think it is going to end and we barely notice as the seasons change.
The Rondeau, though written correctly to specs is a little weak and though I love the softness of your words, I think better blending of the lines would make for a harder impact on your reader.
Perhaps:
Please listen to this last lullaby
as evening ends with a waning sigh
and autumn runs away with my kiss;
dances silent in evergreen bliss
with ears yet, hearing spring's gentle cry.
(Just a thought - which could use a lot of polish yet)
but use of less common words than lonely sigh - even last lullaby
and gentle cry border on cliche - will strengthen the piece. Say it like no one else ever has. There have been a million poems written on the change of seasons with a metaphor to changing love - you can do it - but do it better. 
Better than anyone else ever has.
Loved your choice of topic for these three forms and I can see that you have worked very hard to make them cohesive. Vignettes work well for this and it is good that you have employed them. I enjoyed this very much. Thank you ~Pamela
-
Winter's Lullaby
First Impression: 8/10
Impact of title: 5/5
Originality: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 5/5
Flow of sound: 4/5
General use of all poetic devices: 9/10
Focus/precision, concision & cohesion: 9/10 -in your rondeau, L11 "I joke not when I apologize"-could be rephrased to make more sense.
Mechanics: 5/5
Quality of form/syllables: 9/10
Personality/emotion: 4/5
Rules followed: 5/5
Diction/verbiage: 4/5
Syntax: 5/5
Last Impression: 9/10
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 105/115
Overall, this carried some lovely sentiment. I do like the use of "I remember your touch last May" in your rondel.
In your rondeau, I felt the heavy weight of your refrain,"Please listen" which, in my personal preference, the rondeau,would have gone well at the beginning of the piece, rather than the closing end. That would open the avenue of thought process in the reader's mind, and the rest of the piece could have anchored what to 'listen to' while your rondel and rondelet, could have served to transition the piece and explain the message conveyed-just a thought.
~Hettie
-
Very well done, i like what you have here, a good continuation throughout the three forms with good flow and rhyming. Best of luck to you this round... Scott
-
I love your voice here and the theme of December and loss of or unrequited love. I think I enjoyed your rondel the most- sitting under an apple tree
Lovely, dear poet!
Best wishes,
Kris
-
i. Rondelet
L4...please check your end-rhyme there. That line should rhyme with L3.
L5 requires a comma after "not" in order for it to make proper sense.
ii. Rondel
Switching the tenses, for me, just doesn't work. I noticed it and was distracted by it, meaning that the transition between the 2 is too blatant. i think it's because there is too much movement going on throughout the whole rondel. Keeping the tense consistent would greatly improve this piece.
iii. Rondeau
L1 isn't correct english and would sound better if written similarly to this:
"Hear these soft strains of my last lullaby" - it'd also give you a much softer repeating line with "hear these soft strains..." as well as taking away the question mark.
Other than that, you've done well here.
I wish you luck in this round.
Laura.
-
Oh, stealing summer all along,
My December.
*
I remember your touch last May
as we sat under an apple tree;
when you insist on holding me
this poem is absolutely stunningly beautiful
i hope you continue to do well in this rounds contest because these are the best poems you've written
-
The thoughts progress nicely from one poem to the next and the feeling of loss is strong. The first poem set the pace and is very musical.
-
"as we sit under an apple tree;" - "as we sat under an apple tree;"
As Tyler said, melodic. I can feel this piece.
Excellency in your portrayal of these forms.
-
Wow!
I believe you did well poet. You kept the thoughts throughout the forms, or so it seems to me. But not only that, you tell a fine story with this write. Too, the read is very enjoyable even for a poem that seems back grounded in sadness.
-
This is truly wonderful. You managed to let such sad emotions come through in this trilogy, which isn't always easy to do with form poetry. Love the theme and metaphor of lost love with winter throughout this.
Love it Best wishes in this round
gaylene
-
You really put your heart into this and it shows...I kind of felt like this could have been made into a song, I don't know, it just had that feel to it as I was reading.
-
Form poetry in and of itself is challenging, and to combine more than one form in a single piece is a task indeed, but one which you tackled with grace and gusto. I was throughly impressed by the rhyme and wording in this, and even more so by the emotion you conveyed dispite the strict adherance to form. Bravo!
-
Very impressive! Lovely, romantic voice
-
You are very brave to be the first to enter this round. I loved the delicacy of your wording and the way your thoughts were united in all three poems. Peace, Liz
-
I love winter poems. Great job on the poem.
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
