I watch the sun rise in your eyes
(distance yawns between us)
its comfortless light reflects
the layer of ice behind your smile
(nothing thaws counterfeit confidence)
The rays extend into dark lashes
that shower shallow lips
with the rain of forgetfulness
(it trickles through my memory)
As bitter clouds rake
the hungry sky for weakening stars
I blow a kiss to morning's hollow radiance
and turn to find my solace in
remembrance of your chill intent
(whose lives have time to unembrace?)
Author notes
I am still trying to improve this piece. Any suggestions? I'd appreciate them!
What did this poem make you feel?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Personally I like the "as bitter clouds" lines. I hate false smiles! When I was little I remember that's all any photographer could coax from my mother: smiles of the lips only that don't involve either the face or the heart. She only laughs when making fun of someone, or bringing someone pain. As I have not worked in this form before I do not know its perils from the inside out, therefore I don't believe myself qualified to offer suggestions.
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No, I would take out, the
As bitter clouds rake
hungry skies for weakened stars
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Good one. I expected to read another line in parentheses in the fnal stanza.
I like the allteration and assonance that you have used: rise, eyes; shower shallow lips. Very nice word combinations: rain of forgetfullness. This poem definetly shows love turned cold.
I am not telling you to change this word, but I hate the word, orb.
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Also, do you think I should change the lines "Bitter clouds rake the hungry sky for weakened stars"? I realize it is adj. n. adj. n. adj. n. which can get kind of wordy. Maybe take out the word weakened?
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Yeah, I was thinking I would like to add another line in parenthesis as well. I'll work on that. And, thanks for all the feedback. That's the second suggestion I've gotten to change the word "orb", so I suppose I shall, hahaha!
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